Skinny Emmie Weight Loss Blog » Serious

Balance

Skinny Emmie — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 01:12:13 +0000

photo by D Sharon Pruitt via Flickr

One of the questions I asked Shay during the 5K was “How do you manage it all? Your job, your family, your other committments?” It was kind of funny, beacuse she flipped it back on me and said “well, how are you doing it?” I explained that I just had to make the choice that fitness was one of my top priorities. Even if that means getting up at 5am for a pre-work workout, or going at 9pm because that’s the only time in the day I could make. And she said “Exactly.”

Exactly.

There is no science on how to make more time. Time is a limited resource. Each second that ticks by is another second that we’ll never, ever get back. Kind of scary (and a little morbid) when you think about it.

How do you choose to use your time?

Last night, as I was laying in the dark while my husband dozed beside me, my mind was racing. I knew the workload I had coming up this week and next week was very, very demanding. A lot of projects coming together at one time. Traveling next week for work. The house needs a good vacuuming/mopping/dusting. Hubs’ schedule isn’t any better. Pup needs to go to the vet and get groomed. I have a goal of blogging once per day. I made plans for two nights this week with friends. I’m two episodes behind on True Blood (crazy!). I NEED TO WORK OUT.

So the next couple of weeks are going to be a lesson in balance. How can I offset my work stress when I’m not there? Fat Emmie would have vegged, watched lots of TV, gotten take-out every night, and then snacked until it was time to go to bed. This Emmie got up and did her workout at 5:30am, went to work and was super-productive (albeit stressed), got home a little late, made cajun salmon and kale with garlic, watched “Losing It with Jillian” from my DVR, threw the clothes in the dryer, fed the pup, and am now blogging. As soon as I hit “publish” on this post, I will promptly get in bed with full intentions of doing the same thing tomorrow.

Balance isn’t easy. If it were, our lives would be much more easy-breezy. We are in control of our own choices. We have the power to say “no.” I might have to reschedule 1 of my nights out with friends. Does it kind of suck? Yes. Would losing my sanity or losing my rhythm of productivity and getting up early suck more? Heck yes.

So right now, make your choice. Tomorrow I choose to be balanced.

What do you need in your life to balance? How do you fit it all in? What are your tips?

5K Thank You’s

Skinny Emmie — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 19:36:25 +0000

Wanted to get this up really quick- thank you’s to those who completed the 5K with me. The video also should be titled “Skinny Emmie cries like a baby” but whatever. I’ll put a total race recap, pictures and video up later!

Reader Question: Binging

Skinny Emmie — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 23:41:43 +0000

This question came through annoynmously from my “Ask me Anything” box on the right of the blog.

“How do we fix binging? Am I just permanently broken? My boyfriend’s been away on a week’s guy vacation and I have been chowing through bags of chips, pints of ice cream, seconds and thirds of everything. I think the only way I usually keep this in chec”

As you probably noticed, the question got cut off. So, if you asked this and want to talk more, please feel free to email me.

First, you are NOT permanently broken. None of us are. No matter what our demons, there is nothing we can’t overcome. Like everything else in weight loss and journeying to fitness, there is no easy “fix.” The good thing is that you realize you are binging. Here are a few things you might want to think about that have worked for me.

Why are you binging? Is it out of boredom, fear, loneliness, etc? All of the above? Try to remember all the recent times you’ve binged and what the circumstances around the binge were. You should be able to notice and identify a pattern.
What kind of behavior could you do INSTEAD of binging when this next trigger strikes? If you’re eating out of boredom, think about other things you could do. Go to the mall. Chat with friends. Go get a cup of coffee. Read a book. Basically, you want to think about what in the world, OTHER than eating, you can do when you feel a binge coming on. If you have to, make a list of things that you’ll have at the ready. I know I personally would temporarily ”forget” that I had options OTHER than binging on food. Keep the list close by.
You know that feeling after a binge? When you feel miserable and sick because you’ve just consumed so much bad stuff that your body just hates you? Try to remind yourself of that feeling BEFORE reaching for something in a binge. If you are like me and would go get fast food, put a note on your steering wheel reminding yourself to think before you go. And while your’e at it, keep that list handy of other alternatives to binging. If you have the food at your house, put a note on the refrigerator and on the pantry door. Seeing that note as a physical reminder could be the difference between binging and coping.
Ask for help. If you really do feel that out of control and don’t feel like the steps above will help, I urge you to seek professional attention. There are tons of psychologists that can help you identify the triggers and build coping strategies. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone about a problem. I’ve done it many times before, and am sure I’ll do it again in the future.

Also, please remember my disclaimer:

All the information presented on this blog is for educational, entertainment, and resource purposes only. This blog is NOT a substitute for any advice given to you by your physician. Always consult your physician or health care provider before beginning any weightloss, nutrition or exercise program. Use of the programs, advice, and information contained in this website is at the sole choice and risk of the reader.

I want to ask others here- have you ever binged? How did you cope with it? Any tips?

Reader Question: Motivation

Skinny Emmie — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 23:59:48 +0000

Someone recently sent this question from my “Ask Me Anything” box on the right side of the blog:

Emmie, where do you get your motivation?? I get motivated but it doesn’t seem to be long lasting.. I want to know how to keep the motivation going?? I am about the same size as you I know I can do it but have become really unmotivated.. Help!!

This question is what spurred my video with Trainer Rob yesterday. I asked him about motivation, and as you could see, he shared his story of what first got him movitaved.

This is such a complex question. Motivation is different for everyone. I can’t tell you what should motivate you to try to lose weight, nor can I tell you what you can do to stay motivated. As you go through a fitness or weight loss journey, what motivates you often changes.

For me, my original motivation was to FIT. I have written about this before- just wanting to live my life and be able to FIT wherever I need to. Fit socially with friends, fit physically in spaces like airplane seats, bathroom stalls, restaurant booths… The ultimate motivation is LIFE. My sedentary lifestyle at 455 pounds was a pathway to an early grave. I had to make the choice. Inaction meant death. Action meant life. So I chose to act.

When I was at the gym on Saturday with Trainer Rob putting me through a high intensity workout that included me jogging sprints, my only motivation was to get finished so I could say that I did it. I wasn’t thinking about “life” or anything like that. Getting through that workout and knowing the sense of accomplishment afterwards was enough to get me through it.

Today, my goal is to get in enough water today and to do my low intensity workout. My motivation is to put a little check mark on my calendar that I did my activity for today. I know that I must make that little check mark in order to keep on the right path. Nothing more complex than that.

Here are just a few ideas I have to help you manage your motivation (WASTED):

Write it down: When motivation strikes- write it down. What was the trigger to make you feel motivated? Embarrassing situation? Medical issue? What? By writing it down, and writing down how the situation felt and what you want to do about it, you have a physical reminder of the motivation. When you feel like making a bad choice that would throw you off track, refer back to what you wrote down. Even if it doesn’t stop you, hopefully it will make you pause a little.
Ask “why”: When you lose your motivation, ask yourself “why.” Something has to have triggered that feeling that “it’s not worth it.” I am a master at finding reasons why I should quit. I can make excuses “life shouldn’t be this hard” or “people should just accept me as I am.” These coping statements are what we’re used to saying to ourselves- we’re giving permission to give up. This is unacceptable. Maybe you ran into an old high school friend who looked great, and it triggers you to get upset and turn to food to cope. Why did you do this? Why do you think food will make you feel better? Look at it like chess- think several moves ahead. What is this decision you’re making going to do in the long run. Where will it put you in the game?
Surround yourself with motivators: This is the main reason I started the blog- to feel surrounded by people who I could share what I was going through. In my personal life, I talk about my eating style and workouts with co-workers, so they know when it’s donut Friday, to not push me to grab one. My husband is a fantastic motivator- just in life. He has one of the hardest jobs on earth and works his heart and body out at it. Trainer Rob is a great motivator. My girlfriends are great motivators. All of you are great motivators. Don’t use the excuse that you don’t have any motivators around you. If you need a motivator, just email me!
Time out: Sometimes we get in this routine where we forget why we’re doing what we are. Why am I going to the gym 5 times a week? Why am I getting my ass up at 5:30am to fit it in my busy schedule. Why am I eating this way? I know for me, the more cognizant I am of the reason for which I do things helps me make better choices. Reflect back to your written down motivation. Think about what else can motivate you moving forward. Do this regularly.
Evaluate: If you really are burned out and seem to have lost your way- take a step back and evaluate. Evaluate what you’ve been doing, and evaluate why you feel burned out or “over it.” Is your exercise routine so boring that you dread it? Have you been eating the same 3 foods for breakfast, lunch and dinner and you just CRAVE a change? What are things you can do to make the journey easier. Don’t be afraid to switch it up! Try new things, new foods, new experiences. Find the joy again.
Dive in: When all else fails and you really feel you can’t identify that motivation right now, you can always dive in. What do I mean? Every day, do 1 thing to change. Take a walk. Skip dessert. It’s amazing how you’ll find motivation after you accomplish a few small things in a week. You know the saying, “fake it till you make it?” One of my favorites.

I hope these help. I would love everyone else’s thoughts about these, and your own tips and tricks for finding, and keeping, motivation.

Mind versus Body

Skinny Emmie — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 19:40:21 +0000

This morning, Trainer Rob tried to kill me. He tried to make me cry.

Okay, so I’m being melodramatic. He wasn’t trying to kill me, or make me cry. But I felt like I was on the verge of both. He was pushing me. He sees that picture I posted yesterday every time I work out. He says things like “awesome recovery” and “great progress” with regards to my heart rate. Today, during our 5th session, he pushed me harder than ever, and I really, really had a hard time.

Was he being mean? No. Did I (temporarily) hate him? Yes.

You see, he would jack up the treadmill to some insane incline at some insane speed and I would have to keep up. My body, still hovering around 400 pounds, really doesn’t like this. My mind, knowing that I’m around 400 pounds, is scared shitless.

With the treadmill, you HAVE to keep up. You either keep up, jump off, or fall off. My body hasn’t ever been pushed like that before- even when I was thinner. Even though the sprints were only 1 minute each, my body and mind just weren’t in sync. My mind was SCREAMING for my body to stop, then Trainer Rob is telling me NOT to stop, that I can do it. There were a few times today when I gasped for air and said “please, no!” when he would up the speed or incline. I just KNEW I was going to fall off- my legs buckling under my weight and out of pure exhaustion, and my ass on the gym floor.

To add insult to injury (or non-injury, as it was), he had me get on the stair climber. WTF? The stair climber? My mind was terrified of getting on that thing. My body was tired from the treadmill. He put it on the slowest rate possible, and I got on. I hated it. Even at the slowest speed, my heart rate was in the upper end of my “medium” zone. Again, just like the treadmill, you HAVE to keep up on the stair climber. You either keep up or fall off. Again, my mind was so scared of falling off because a 400 pound person surely CAN’T do this. He sped the machine up for my minute sprint. I fought my mind the entire time. My mind was telling my body that I couldn’t do it. The fear was palpable. The fatigue in my legs was indescribable.

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting back up every time we do.
-Confucius

I did it.

I did not fall off.

I did not die.

I did not cry.

When it was all said and done, the cramp in my side faded, and that puking feeling went away. I did it.

It’s been about 5 hours since that workout ended, and my body is already sore all over (we also did a couple of weight training circuits). My legs feel like jello. I’m waddling around like a penguin. But I feel great.

What is the lesson in this? Sometimes, our brains need an off switch. We build up these walls of “I can’ts” and “That will hurt” and “that’s impossible” and all of this nonsense for why we don’t do certain things. 400 pound people can’t jog sprints. 400 pound people can’t do stair climbs. 400 pound people can’t hold plank position. 400 pound people can’t be fit.

Today, my body (and Rob) proved me wrong. This 400 pound person CAN do all of those things, and CAN be fit. Instead of crying tears of utter fear and pain as I wanted to earlier, I now want to cry tears of joy that progress is being made. This is just the beginning.

____________________________

On another note, I went to the doctor yesterday for some follow up blood work. He tested my thyroid again, and ordered several other tests to check out hormones and insulin and such. Hoping the results will come back quickly, but it could be a couple of weeks before I find out anything. Doc thinks there might be something else that might be holding my body back from releasing the weight. We’re also still monitoring the pitting edema. I’ll keep you posted.

Happy 4th of July to my US readers. I’m off to a cookout with hubs and the in-laws.

Picture of Progress

Skinny Emmie — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 01:13:10 +0000

Thank you guys for putting up with me and my whining lately about scale frustrations, Biggest Loser delusions and pitting edema frustrations. I watched the video from last night with me ranting about The Biggest Loser and felt foolish doing so. In the end, sometimes I need to hear myself say things out loud in order to get over them. Saying affirmations or repeating quotes I’ve found soothing often helps me. These are the ones I was repeating today:

The scale does not have power over me. I choose to power my body and fuel it with powerful things.
I am running my own race. Everyone else’s race is irrelevant.
“It does not matter how slow you go as long as you don’t stop” – Confucious

When I was at the gym this morning, I had my phone with me inside. I normally don’t take it in, but out of habit of taking it everywhere, I lugged it inside with me. It was a low intensity day, which means about 60 minutes of me going at a fairly slow pace, keeping my heart rate low. When I first started with Trainer Rob, I lamented that it was SO.BORING. because it was so slow. My heart wasn’t conditioned, so it couldn’t handle going faster than a turtle crawl at zero incline. Today, I noticed something different with my body. I snapped a picture with my phone, and compared it with this picture that I posted a few weeks back.

Left: June 10, 2010 | Right: July 1, 2010

Do you see that?! This is my picture of progress. Not feet on my scale, but my heart and body being more fit. Proof is in the picture! To keep my heart rate at 134 before, I had to go at 2.0 speed with 0 incline. Now? 2.7 speed with 2.5 incline! This progress happened in a matter of exactly 3 weeks. Nuts.

This picture is going in my purse, in my car, and on my refrigerator. I am making progress. True, identifiable progress. I am proud.

How are you keeping your head “in the game” when things at first glance don’t seem to be going perfectly? Do you tell yourself affirmations? Have you looked for other proof that you are achieving success?

Weight Loss and Verifiable Outcomes

Skinny Emmie — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 23:01:16 +0000

I don’t talk about work stuff here because, well, this is a weight loss blog. But as I was leaving the gym this morning, I thought of something that might be kind of relevant.

I’m a corporate marketer. I have my MBA in marketing. I judge the success of marketing initiatives by pre-defined metrics. You see, when you set out any marketing program, you have to come up with your goal. Who is your target? What are you trying to accomplish? How will this work out better than other methods? How will you measure success? What metrics will you use?

via fragmented on Flickr

I have a confession. Despite my scale boycott, I have weighed. My feet can’t stay away from my trusty Tanita high-capacity scale. This scale is the only metric I’ve ever lived by when measuring my fitness and weight loss goals. I mean, I am a weight loss blogger after all- seems pretty common that I would check my weight- right?

If bodies were just true machines- steel, nuts and bolts- and you could easily predict the outcome based on the inputs, then I’d be golden. My food has been good, my exercise is better than ever, my sleep is slowly but surely getting better. My body though? Not giving me the output (weight loss) I want. I put in the right ingredients, processed it in this crazy body of mine, but it’s not producing widgets (weight loss) like it’s supposed to!

I’m chalking it up to faulty equipment. This body, poor thing, doesn’t know what to do. My brain, poor thing, doesn’t know what to think. How do I know if I’m fixing the equipment? The only logical answer is to get on the scale to see how I’m doing. Trainer Rob says I’m doing great with my workouts. Random lady at the gym says she can tell a difference. My BodyMedia FIT tells me that I have at least a 1000 calorie a day deficit between my eating and my working out.

But this brain? It just wants the facts. When my feet hit the scale, I hold my breath and scream in my head “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” and wait for that magic confirmation that my hard work is paying off.

Instead? I see the same number as I saw before. The same. And I feel defeated.

So, how to break out of this? I’m having my hubs hide the damn scale. Seriously. When he gets home tonight, that thing is going somewhere that I won’t be able to find it. If I ever get the urge to check my weight, I’ll have to remind myself that a) that is stupid; b) I don’t know where the hell it is

I also need to learn to read my body’s signs better. There are verifiable outcomes there, I’m just not used to reading them, and they’re harder to recognize.

For example:

Just 1 week ago I couldn’t do 3 sets of stair runs without feeling like I was going to absolutley puke (me + stairs = FAIL). Yesterday I did all 3 stair runs and my puke meter was only at a 3 instead of a 9.
The first 2 weeks of training, my body was SCREAMING at me. Sore all over. This week? Despite raising the intensity and adding in a 5th day of work, no pain.
When I started working out with Trainer Rob, I was going sooooooo slow to keep my heart rate under 140. Now? If I go at the same speed I was going 3 weeks ago, my heart rate is around 125.

So for now, I’ll have to “listen to my body” (sounds so “new-agey” right?) to see how I’m doing. I’ll still do my planned weigh ins on Mondays, and have hubs hide it during the week.

How do you measure your success?

Weight Perception v. Reality

Skinny Emmie — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 19:18:47 +0000

I’m writing this sitting in the auto shop just getting routine maintenance done on my car. As I’m sitting here in my little desk cubby they have with free wi-fi, my legs are squished together like crazy. The arms of this chair are dug deep into the side of my thighs. They are the kind that quite possibly will leave a bruise, one on each thigh. Oh the joys of being super obese.

via D Sharon Pruitt on Flickr

The other day, I posted a video of me on a recumbent bike. When I went to edit the video and put it on YouTube, I was really taken aback. I’ve always been kind of photogenic, and the picture taken of me in the blue dress the other day made me feel really good about myself. Unfortunately, the (video)camera doesn’t lie. I watched that video, in shock, as my stomach bobbed up and down with every movement of my legs. I had also filmed myself doing my warm up routine, where I went on to see my stomach pop out of my shirt as I was on the floor doing those exercises. Everyone at the gym has probably seen my curdly-fat-stomach.

This is going to sound really strange, but I have always felt that I LOOKED smaller than I really am. It’s not necessarily body dysmorphic disorder, just a really, really bad perception of my size. I also am able to talk myself into thinking that I look nice or well put together, and then see pictures of me after-the-fact that make me severely question my sanity. How can my own perception be THAT FAR OFF?

I know there are smaller people who always think they’re bigger than they are. I’m the complete opposite. I wonder, is this a coping mechanism? I mean, am I this way because I’ve spent years obese, conditioning my mind to cope with the stares and with the super-low-self-esteem? Do I make myself feel better about my appearance and my size so that I can just make it through each day without feeling completely defeated and ashamed of myself?

Perhaps part of it is that I don’t FEEL like some massive, sedentary beast. I feel like a girl who can move more than she used to, go to the gym without complete shame and work out regularly. I feel kind of pretty. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like a young, thin sprite who can prance around and do whatever I feel like. But I feel like someone who isn’t sedentary. But when I look at myself on that video, I see someone who people would probably think sit on the sofa all day and all night, chugging 2 liter sodas and crunching on super size bags of Doritos.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Either way- feeling smaller than you are or feeling bigger than you are?

Body Rebellion

Skinny Emmie — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 12:49:40 +0000

My body hates me. Seriously.

I’m on week 3 of at least 4 days a week exercise. I haven’t eaten dinner out in at least a month (from a 3-4 day a week habit). I cut back my coffee. I’m drinking at least a gallon of water a day. I am monitoring all of my foods very strictly.

Today? Got on the scale. 6 pounds. Not 6 pounds lost – 6 pounds gained.

I felt defeated. I got off the scale and back on again. The story was the same.

I replayed all my actions from the prior week in my head. Did I overeat? Did I drink all my water? Any slip ups? I couldn’t think of ANYTHING.

So, we’re chalking this up to my body hating me.

I know what you guys are going to say: “You’re building muscle” “You’re retaining water”

Does it make me feel better? No.

So, I’m working really hard to think of some non-scale victories this week:

I FEEL a little smaller
My squishy fat is out of control
My body is sore, in a good way
I KNOW I’m becoming more fit because I’m doing things I wouldn’t have been able to do 3 weeks ago

So, I took this picture this morning. It makes me feel a little better. I’m getting a shape.

My body hates me. Blah.

Fattie Gets Fit

Skinny Emmie — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 22:36:45 +0000

Note: I originally wrote this post to be a guest post on someone elses blog. After thinking about it, I decided that MY blog is the right place to post it. I haven’t ever flat out said my weight on the blog. I can’t believe I’m about to post it, but you guys have taught me to be much more brave than I ever thought I could be, so here it goes.

455 pounds.

That’s “Biggest Loser” big. Heck, it’s even OVER “Biggest Loser” big for some seasons.
Millions of people watch this television show where the morbidly obese contestants work their way through long journeys of becoming fit. Throw in crazy amounts of sweat, crying, some occasional vomiting and falling off treadmills, and it makes for fantastic television.

What if this was more than a reality show? What if it was YOUR reality?

One year ago, this was MY reality. 455 pounds of a scared 28 year old wondering if this is what her life was destined to be – over before it’s begun. When you’re 455 pounds, the flicker of hope that you have for a healthy, active lifestyle is so dim you could barely recognize it in a pitch black room. Faced with the warnings from others about the health risks of being so large, the snide comments said behind your back but in a voice loud enough for you to hear, you really learn how much (or how little) faith in yourself, and in other people, that you really have.

Fast forward to present day, where I’ve gone through struggles of trying to find out what my motivations are for losing weight, where I try to do everything right and get slapped in the face by the scale. I’ve also had triumphs. First 10 pounds lost. Next 10 pounds lost. The first time someone actually said “wow, you’re losing weight!” The time when I got to throw out all clothes with a size “3” in front of the second digit. When my scale no longer had a “4” as its first number.

One year later, and while the scale only shows 61 pounds gone, the bumpy journey it took me to get here has put me on the straight and narrow road ahead. This road to being skinny, to more weight loss, to smaller clothes, to a head held higher.

In the end, it’s all about being FIT. This past week I joined a gym. I have a trainer. I did Zumba and swam 700 meters in the pool and posted videos about it (in my swimsuit no less!). At 394 pounds, this morbidly obese girl is on her way to becoming fit. There are still haters out there who question my motivation or strength to make it to the finish line. There are people who will do a double take when seeing me walk into an aerobics class. But there are also ones who are encouraging- sharing a kind word or a warm smile that lets me know they’re supporting this fattie getting fit. All it takes is one moment of compassion from a friend or a stranger to let me know that this 255 pound weight loss journey I’m on is much shorter than the marathon I had planned on it being.

So while many of you are on your own super fitness journeys – 5k’s, half marathons, full marathons, triathlons – realize that some of us are waiting in the wings warming up to get ready to join you.

Open your arms and brace for impact. I can’t wait for the day when I too, can be fit.

…Just Workin’ on My Fitness

Skinny Emmie — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 01:58:12 +0000

Now that you have Fergalicious in your head…

Say hello to Rob!

Lots of things to blog about today! First, I have to announce a new Get Emmie Skinny sponsor. I am so geeked about this, it’s not even funny. Let’s give a big interwebz clap for Rob Silver of Heartfit Lexington – my new personal trainer! *applause* He’s now listed on the Get Emmie Skinny Sponsor page, and you can read more about him there.

Rob is putting me through one of his 12 week training programs which are heart-rate based. This means that instead of me following a prescribed workout routine designed for “anyone,” my training will be based entirely on MY heart rate. I know my fitness level is pretty rock bottom right now, so with Rob focusing on helping me increase my fitness, I am actually more excited than if the primary goal was only to lose weight. I will be able to feel and physically see (via my heart rate monitor) how much I’m progressing. Talk about motivation! Our first session is Saturday morning. Again, I’m geeked.

As 5:30pm approached, I was dreading going to the gym tonight. I knew that I was going to start training with Rob Saturday, so why did I need to go now? Thankfully, some Twitter friends kicked me in the butt and said I should go. I am a sucker for peer pressure. I wriggled into my Aquatard (laugh at the name, if you must) and 10 minutes later (because that’s how long it takes me to get IN the damn thing) I was ready to go:

I can't believe I'm posting this.

Someone tweeted about a 0 to 1 mile swimming program, and I was curious. Similar to Couch-to-5K, it’s a swimming endurance program. I was skeptical that I could finish the routine set out for week 1, which was as follows:

4 X 100 meters, rest 12 breaths between 100s
4 x 50 meters, rest 8 breaths between 50s
4x 25 meters, rest 4 breaths between 25s
Total: 700 meters, or 0.43 of a mile

You know what? I did it!!! Did I take more than 12, 8 or 4 breaths between some of the sets? Heck yeah. Did I do about 100 meters of kickboarding only? Yep. But I did it. *happy dance* Know what else? I did an EXTRA 50 to cool down. So really, I did 0.466 of a mile! One of my 101 in 1001 days goals is to swim a 1/2 mile. It will be checked off my list before you know it!

When I was done, I had pruny fingers to show for it:

Someone said recently that you never regret going to the gym, you only regret NOT going. So. true.

And THEN, as I was driving home, I was surprised at a rainbow that looked like it was over my house. Great way to end the night! (Disclaimer: I am not always this damn happy-go-lucky. I’ll come back to earth sooner or later.)

Weigh In: 5.31.10

Skinny Emmie — Mon, 31 May 2010 14:43:23 +0000

Happy Memorial Day. Today we honor those whose lives were lost defending our freedoms.

After last week’s big fat ZERO on the scale, I was optimistic for a good number. I also will have to say that since I went to the gym the past 2 days, I had a little glimmer of hope that the scale would move, despite having a little too much alcohol on Friday night.

This week’s loss: -2 pounds

Total loss: -60 pounds

Exactly 1 year ago today I was at my highest weight ever. While I know that if I didn’t take my 5+ month hiatus from the weight loss that I’d have lost a lot more, I’m not going to hang my head in shame over losing 60 pounds in 1 year.

I also took measurements today. In the past year, I’ve lost 30.75 inches, including 8 in the waist, 6 in the hips, 6 in the bust, 5 in the band (bust band) and 3.5 in the upper arm.

Today hubs is taking me to lunch and then we’re going to a cookout later tonight at his brother’s house. Hope you guys have a great day!

So why now?

Skinny Emmie — Thu, 27 May 2010 01:04:46 +0000

I got asked this question today and I know many people must think it, but are too shy to ask.

Why weight loss now? What’s different this time?

If you’re going through a weight loss journey right now, have you asked yourself this? Can you answer it concisely? If not, there may be a problem.

I’ve tried to lose weight my whole life. I literally can’t remember back to a time where I wasn’t trying to lose weight. Grow up fat, and it’s ingrained in your head that you’re trying to lose weight- even if you aren’t really trying. When I had my week of shame a while back, in my head, I was telling myself I was still on a weight loss journey.

I really had to think about how to explain to people why this time is different. Why, out of all the hundreds of other times I’ve attempted to lose weight, this time will work. I’ll be honest. Thinking about this make me a freakin’ mess. Am I setting myself up to fail? Am I going to disappoint people if I don’t end up making my goal this time? Am I doomed to live like this forever?

To hell with it. If I disappoint people, I can guarantee them that I’ve disappointed myself even more. Their shame will have nothing on mine. Not that I think I will fail.

So here’s my why:

My mom died at age 50 from Parksinson’s Disease. She spent the last years of her life unable to walk. At my heaviest weight, I never felt like walking. How can someone in their mid-twenties feel so much like someone who should be confined to a nursing home? I sincerely felt that way most days. As I approach my 30th year in this life, I have to own up to myself that only I can make the change. Only I can do this for myself. No one can save me from myself.

In short, this is my life to lose and I’m willing to fight like hell for it.

I’m doing it. I’m doing it now. This time will work, because my life is WORTH living. The life I have now is void of experiences I’ve put off my entire life. Check out my 101 in 1001 list I posted yesterday. The list is FULL of experiences that are dependent upon my weight loss and increased confidence. I refuse to hold my husband back from doing fun things because of my size. I refuse to feel like an outcast in society. I refuse to throw in the towel.

There you go. My reasons.

What are yours? Why is this time different?

Goals: 101 Things

Skinny Emmie — Wed, 26 May 2010 02:27:14 +0000

The desire to put together a list of things has been stirring in me for some time. I love lists. I love crossing things off lists. Talk about SATISFACTION.

via Globetoppers on Flickr

Local photographer Shaun Ring posted something on his blog that made me take action. Here is his description:

The mother of all lists is the 101 in 1001 list. It’s a way to get in writing 101 things you want to accomplish in the next 1001 days. The thinking is this—Instead of having one or two big goals to accomplish in a year (New Year’s anyone?), why not put down everything big and small you can possibly think of, and give yourself almost 3 years to get there?

This 100 in 1001 list is definitely something I could get behind. I have SO.MANY goals. SO.MANY things I want to need to do.

Then I read this post from 146 pounds which asked why we wait to make our Bucket Lists. I ask myself the same thing often, but haven’t acted from that thought.

So, I wanted to share my 101 in 1001 list with you. It’s amazing how 53 of the items of my 101 list are related to my weight. Either directly or indirectly (lacking confidence, lacking the ability to FIT places, etc.) My full list is on DayZeroProject, but my weight loss items are all here on my blog for you to see me cross them off.

Would you ever make a list like this? What would some key items be on it?

Tips for a Goose Egg

Skinny Emmie — Tue, 25 May 2010 00:02:29 +0000

This week, the scale handed me a big goose egg. A big zero. Zilch, nada, no movement on the scale. 0000
Previously, I would have gotten ticked off at the scale, cursed my body for it’s sucky-ness (yes, that’s a word) and gone and ate a donut.Or 4. Ooh, or some cupcakes. Or french fries…

Not today though. This Emmie is determined to hit 60 pounds lost so I can move on to the next 60 pounds (and then the next 60, but I’ll stop now because this is getting depressing.) I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and tried to face the facts.

Has this happened to you before? Here are my tips on how to get over it already.

Evaluate what you did last week: Ask yourself what was different from last week than the previous week when you lost weight? Were you under stress? Get enough sleep?

via TheTruthAbout... on Flickr

Change something in your routine? Change something in your eating habits? Don’t be defensive about it, just own up to it.
My reasoning this morning: “Damnit. My monthly girl visitor is here. I did everything else perfect. I ate good foods, I drank my water, I took my vitamins. I wasn’t stressed out, I got enough sleep and I should have lost weight.”
Re-evaluate and be honest. Really now. Let’s just call down a minute and think about this again. Did you own up to EVERYTHING when you completed step one? For reals? You’re lying. Think hard. Go meal by meal if you must. If you honestly did think of EVERYTHING in step one, good for you, you’re an honest unicorn- proceed to number 3.
My re-evaluation this afternoon: “Ok, so yes, my monthly girl visitor is here. Yes, I feel bloated. Let’s think, what else happened this past week. Oh right, I went to eat Mexican food for a friends birthday. I ate steak fajitas, but only that in the skillet, so that was good. But dang, I did split a pitcher of beer with a friend. Not the best choice. Saturday night I had a beer with dinner. Sunday, I also drank about 3 pots of coffee. Probably not the best choice. Also throughout the week, I ate some cheesy flax crackers with dip. Typically low-carb, but not when you eat an entire pan in 1 sitting. Bad choice.”
Plan: This can be easy once you are really honest with yourself in step 2. Figure out what worked before and do it again. What do you need to make you successful? Need to get more exercise in? Stock your fridge with good foods? Throw out your husband’s ice cream? Then do it. Remove obstacles, and create a plan for moving forward. Don’t let a bump like a goose egg stop your momentum.
My plan: “Well, didn’t have plans of going out this week, so any alcohol temptation should be gone. My fridge is stocked with yummy safe foods. I will not make any yummy cheesy flax crackers since I cannot control my portions. That goes for the dip also. I will moderate my coffee intake, and by next week my lady friend will be gone, so hopefully a woosh will come my way.”
Execute and check yourself: Sounds simple enough. Write down your plan for the week. Either at the beginning or end of the day, verify you met your objectives and that you didn’t stray from the plan. If you have a slip up, don’t beat yourself up, just start over.
My checking mechanisms: I have stored on my phone and in my Google Docs. I’ll check in every day to make sure I ate the right foods, drank my water, took my vitamins, avoided temptation and planned ahead. If unexpected social events arise, I will check my list before I go out, to remind myself of the parameters in which I can operate. It’s not rocket science, it’s just practicing a little discipline!

I really believe that the true measure of success is not how much the scale shows you did, but how hard you work to make yourself better. This week, I vow to be better.

What do you do when you encounter an unfriendly number on the scale?

Little Steps, Big Triumphs in Weight Loss

Skinny Emmie — Wed, 19 May 2010 02:46:21 +0000

Just finished watching The Biggest Loser for tonight, second to last episode in this, the 9th season of the show. My cheeks are tear stained and my eyes are pink from the moisture. If you read this blog, you know I went through the season 10 casting process, but ultimately didn’t get selected. I was consumed with the process because I wanted it SO BAD. I mean, to leave life for a while and be on this amazing show and show people that they, too, can do it? Awesome.

But I realized I can do it here too. Using this simple blog to air my thoughts, struggles and triumphs is how I choose to continue hoping someone will hear- will SEE that they aren’t alone in a struggle of trying to lose weight.

The more I write this blog and see other weight loss bloggers, there are days that I go “still, no one understands what’s it like to be my size.” As Michael said on The Biggest Loser tonight, when he started the journey, he was “twice the weight of an overweight person.” Last week he had a tantrum in the gym over being humiliated about having lost SO MUCH weight and then having to shop at a big and tall shop for his makeover outfit. I cried with him and wanted to reach through the screen and tell him I knew EXACTLY how he felt.

Don’t get me wrong- I will be the first cheerleader in ANYONE’S journey to lose 2 pounds or 200 pounds. There are just few people like me out there who have such a big mountain to climb as me (and Michael, or Shay from season 8) have to go.

Tonight, we saw the final 4 contestants run a MARATHON. Seriously. So think of Michael, at 300 or so pounds, run a marathon. And he did it in like 6 hours, 22 minutes (or thereabouts). Not rapid fast, I know, but he did it. Suddenly, instead of looking at the distance I have to go in this journey, I can see that in about 6 months of his training, he could get to a point to do that. So for me, realistically in a year-16 months I could get to a place to complete a marathon? Bonkers.

So this is the part where I start being honest. I’ve been posting my weight losses, but haven’t really ever defined my weight, my goals, how far I am in this long marathon of a journey (bad pun). I don’t want to splash my weight all over the place, but if you really want to know, feel free to ask in private. For now, I’ll give you these numbers and if you’re even slightly mathematically-inclined, you can figure it out. I just want to be honest about where I’m at and how far I need to go. No more vague references to my big hurdles to jump. This is what they are:

Starting weight loss goal: Lose 255 pounds
Loss so far: 58 pounds
Pounds left to go until my mind’s “ideal” weight (which will put me at about a misses 14): 197
This means I’m 22.7% to goal

So, there are my stats. I haven’t posted this much detail on here before, but moving forward, this is changing. Until I calculated it out just now, I didn’t even realize I was so far into my journey because I was too busy looking at the number left to lose. Such a simple thing can shift perspective so much.

I’m energized, pumped up, and super motivated. I’m hoping to make even more major progress with my Get Emmie Skinny Challenge. I hope you enjoy following the journey.

Life On Hold

Skinny Emmie — Mon, 17 May 2010 23:13:12 +0000

You know what’s really funny? I just about wrote a post titled the same thing as a post I wrote a while back. And the content would have been kind of similar. I guess that means it’s something I think about often, which is certainly true.

I submitted my index card over at Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit. He’s collecting them from anyone who wants to send them. You just say why you are trying to lose weight or why you’re doing your fitness routine. This was my submission:

Really, doesn’t it seem so cliche? I mean, everyone wants to live, but what does it mean to live without limits?

Sometimes, it’s like my life has been on indefinite hold. Don’t get me wrong- I don’t have problems with my life. I have a great husband, great job, great friends, great house, etc. I can check a lot of boxes off in the “on paper” part of life. It’s the living part that is on hold.

I want to experience things that I haven’t before (or haven’t in a long time). They can be little things such as fitting in a little sports car, or big things like going bungee jumping. Or parasailing. Or rock climbing.

I always have considered myself a cautious person. I don’t put myself in dangerous situations, physically. I’m risk averse in business. But what if that’s just because of my size? Because of my fear that trying things in THIS body is just too risky. I fear this may be the actual problem.

I feel like I’m putting my life on hold. *cue muzak* Today I was talking to a co-worker about her vacation, then I got really excited about wanting to plan a beach vacation of my own when the nag voice in my head lifted the needle off of the record player and went “oh-no-you-don’t!” Excuse city, here they come:

I’m too big to enjoy a walk on the beach
I don’t want to be seen in a bathing suit
I won’t have fun because I can’t drink fruity drinks at the beach (too many carbs)
I don’t want to embarrass my husband (which would NEVER happen)

Honestly? These are totally asinine reasons for not planning a vacation, yet I can’t get them out of my head. I’m sure as the weight continues to come off, some of these doubts will go away, but I’m not the most patient person

Anyone else ever feel this way? What do you do to say “eff it” and just do things? Is this protection mechanism something that will ease with time and weight loss?

Why So Emotional?

Skinny Emmie — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 20:57:04 +0000

I really don’t know what prompted the post on my mom the other night. I’ve written about her before, though not in great detail.

Mom when she was 18.

I’m a passionate person, but not typically a super emotional person when it comes to my family. My family is what it is, not so great, but not awful. We’re not close like other families. Again, it really, honestly doesn’t bother me- it’s just the way it is.

Today was the 3rd anniversary of my mom’s passing. I have no idea why I’ve been so emotional about it. It’s worse than the first anniversary, and by far much worse than the 2nd. As I was driving home from the cemetery today, I thought that maybe my emotion is over losing her memories. Losing the sound of her voice.

When my mom got sick with young onset Parkinson’s Disease, I was in high school. She got sick pretty quickly, and began compulsively shopping and spending tons of money. I want to think it was the disease that did it to her- or even the medications (which have been linked to gambling behaviors). It tore some things apart between our relationship, and our family was ripped apart. My parents divorced and she moved back to GA when I was in college. I wish I had realized back then that I had “lost her” at that point, because she was never the same since.

Instead of focusing on the bad things that happened afterwards, I’ll focus here on some happy things. She threw the best birthday parties. I had a Strawberry Shortcake one, my sister had a clown at one where we all got our faces painted and they had a magic show. One was at Putt-Putt, which was super fun. She fought someone to get the last Cabbage Patch kid in the store for me for Christmas. She let me drive her Volvo when I was 14 to go half a mile to the store and back. We never fought. She let me have slumber parties and stay up all night with my girlfriends. She made pretty Christmas trees. She helped convince my dad to buy me the Mustang I wanted when I turned 16 (and the consequently wrecked within the week). She was nicer and more fun than any of my friends mom’s (sorry friends- it’s all perspective). And my friends really liked her.

I'm the chubster on the left.

I don’t know if this is good or bad, but she always tried to help me lose weight. I tried all kinds of diets with her. She got me into her doctor who had then got me on fen-phen when I was 14. She sent me to weight loss camp. She struggled with weight as my sister and I were growing up, and I was her little tag-a-long buddy with that.

Anyway, my post from a couple nights ago was a panic over me not remembering her pre-Parkinson’s voice. The last hope that I have is to get the 4 Super8 tapes from our family camcorder and have them put on DVD’s. The camcorder doesn’t work anymore, so I don’t know what’s on them. I know there’s footage of our family trip to Hong Kong, so I’m hoping that will have her voice- and I can remember those times. Sending the tapes off this week, so I’m hopeful these feelings will resolve themselves when I get the DVD’s back.

Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble. Hope everyone has a great weekend

Wise Words of Johnny Depp

Skinny Emmie — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 00:57:08 +0000

via -Line on Flickr

I don’t know who tweeted this today, so apologies to that person for not getting any credit. It was early in the morning, and I copied and pasted it in and email and sent it to myself:

“We’re all damaged in our own way. Nobody’s perfect. I think we are all somewhat screwy, every single 1 of us. – Johnny Depp”

And while I’m on the subject of Johnny Depp, I met him at Fayette Mall several years ago (his mom lives nearby) and his damage is thinking that he has to dress like a slob. But I digress, as he gave me an autograph on the back of a Dakota Watch Company watch club card. Totally random, but whatever.

Back to my post…

I know I have my own screwy-ness. Or, if you’d prefer to call them, idiosyncrasies. But the one I’m thinking about right now is one that I have written about before in a previous post. I was watching Ruby (as you guys know, one of my fave shows after The Biggest Loser and now, Parenthood). She was challenged by her therapist to change 5 things in her life/environment/habit that would help her break out of her weight loss funk. She ended up taking the stairs, trying different workouts, cut out diet soda, got rid of her huge reclining chair she used at her highest weight of 700+ pounds, etc. She also had the same problem I do. When she looked in the mirror, she didn’t see her size. She would focus on the positives of her weight loss while ignoring the fact that she was still very large.

What is it about people like Ruby and I to be able to adjust in our minds that when we look in the mirror we’re not huge beasts? Really. Is it some secret fat coping mechanism that is built in to us so we can just survive? Think about people with traumatic events whose memories are repressed forever because it’s just too hard to deal with. I feel like my brain has been playing tricks on me when I look in the mirror. It’s like a carnival mirror in your head- you are unable to noticed the width of your hips, the rolls under your shirt, the chins under your chin… and it’s nuts!

In the episode of Ruby, she ended up getting several smaller, round mirrors and placing them around her house where she could ONLY see the bad parts. For example, if she was sitting down to eat dinner in her normal spot at the table, the wall next to her had a mirror that only showed her stomach. What a terrifying thing to do! But it makes total sense.

I’m not quite ready to start slapping mirrors all over my house in weird positions to try to come to grips with my false body image. And don’t get me wrong- I KNOW I’m big. Really. I know. But when I look at the mirror and then see pictures of myself later- it’s like I’m 2 completely different people.

Do any of you share this same problem? If so, what do you do about it? Anything?

Mind Games

Skinny Emmie — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 01:15:20 +0000

I suffer from a highly overactive mind.

The more I think about it, it’s gotten worse as I’ve gained more weight. It seems like the heavier I get, the more I (subconsciously) feel that I need to completely overcompensate by being perfect in all other aspects of my life. It’s kind of insane when I go back to examine the things I’ve done at different points in my life and how my reaction has changed throughout the years.

Right now, I’m kind of a mess. I can’t stand the thought of someone being even slightly disappointed in me. Therefore, I try to work extra hard to keep everyone happy. To do the absolute best job ever with whatever I’m doing. If I can keep everyone happy and excited about me and the work that I do, then it doesn’t matter so much that I’m (super) fat. I had to work extra hard to get a great GPA, great job, great husband, great house, great everything. Yes, some of it is internally motivated. I feel good about myself when I know I’ve tried my best. But the past few years I’ve noticed that there’s extra pressure in my mind somewhere. I have virtually no pressure from my family or my husband to be perfect at work or anything like that. Yet, my anxiety over doing everything perfect has become an issue. During my MBA program, I campaigned to be class president. Thought it would awesome on my resume and would make me stand out. Because honestly, who would look at someone 300 pounds plus and think they were smart and super-sharp? I thought classmates liked me if they voted for me. And they voted. And I won. They might have already liked me, or could have liked me even if I didn’t get the stupid title. But why would they like a 300 + pound person? That’s crazy.

And today, I realized I might have made a small mistake at something, and right now am completely panicky over it. Like way overboard panicked. As in “dear-lord-I-won’t-be-able-to-sleep” panicked. Over seriously something that is soooooooo small it isn’t worth it. AT. ALL.

Now, when my mom was uber-sick, I noticed myself getting more and more this way- hyperfocused on the little things- trying to control them, to do the best I could. All because I was trying to grab hold of anything during a situation where I had zero control. But this has just not gone away. I can’t let any of the balls that are still in the air drop or else my balance will be off. And right now, off it is.

I’m not afraid of failure. I can handle an epic fail. I’ll be the first to admit my weaknesses. But slight disappointment from someone when I tried to avoid that is really devastating and anxiety-inducing. And when I realize I made a small mistake? Sleepless night and mega stress.

Anyone else have these sorts of issues? Or am I just a loony who needs some chill pills?