So, it’s not REALLY a manic Monday, but it has been quite busy, thus my distracted blog post today. Over the weekend I put myself into a social situation that frankly scared the shit out of me and it all turned out fine. I didn’t do anything out of place, offend anyone, spend the entire night locked in the bathroom… it was all pleasant and fine. Perhaps one of these days my memories of crushing social anxiety will start to disappear.

You know something that wasn’t pleasant though? Getting back in heels after 1 year of not wearing any. They were low heels and are quite comfortable, but the beds of my feet hadn’t had pressure like that in so long that very large blisters formed almost immediately and I could barely stand or walk. Thankfully the event was a seated dinner, and I made it back to my car without having to go barefoot on the streets of downtown Lexington. During my painful walk back to my car though, I did get a whistle from a mildly attractive, mildly inebriated gentleman. Gotta take a complement where you can get it, right?!

Anyway, yesterday we had a belated Mother’s Day dinner for my mother in law, and I was in charge of the kebabs:

nom nom kebabs

They were yummy, and it was a great time being with family.

Today marked my 4832nd visit to physical therapy. Okay, so perhaps not that many, but A LOT. This is what I see at the end of each therapy session:

aah, ice is nice.

I wanted to give a heads up here that I’m getting rid of about 20 pieces of plus size clothing on my fashion blog, Emmie Loves. Check out the information here.

That’s all I’ve got for this Monday. Hope you had a great weekend!

I haven’t done many Q&A posts, so I thought I would try them out. You submit a question (it can be done anonymously if you want) and I’ll pick some questions to answer via video.

Have a burning question? Hit me! Just fill out the form below.

Hopefully I won’t have an empty inbox since I tend to share everything with everyone anyway, LOL!

This video has been all over Facebook recently, but I never took the time to watch it until today when Roni posted it on her blog and I stayed still long enough to watch it.

It’s been 5 minutes since I’ve watched it and I’m still crying. This video was less than 5 minutes and has stirred my soul in a way that nothing else has in a while. Please watch.

You know what happens when you get wrapped up in joy from recalling amazing experiences and intense happiness as I did yesterday? You forget about pain. Real, physical pain.

I was already unsteady on my bad ankle, which is actually healing, but isn’t used to being walked on for longer than 1 mile. Add in a dark Chinatown alley and some untied shoelaces and you end up with an Emmie down.

Whoopsies!

Thankfully, my clumsy spill took place on Sunday night and I was with a friend who provided door-to-door service (and I wondered why anyone would have a car in the city? I was super thankful!) and my hotel-mate Emily got some ice for me. The next morning I skipped my tour of the 9/11 Memorial (which means I must go back to NYC soon, right?) and instead sat in a cafe with my laptop halfway working and halfway watching the people bustle along the streets of New York City. It was actually quite peaceful.

My airplane gates were fortunately on the near sides of the terminals as I hobbled through security and then back through the Louisville airport to get my bag. Yesterday I could barely stand on it, so I had to pay a visit to my orthopedic surgeon today for some x-rays. Just a sprain, and the remedy is more physical therapy, which I’m already doing for my OTHER ankle.

One of these days I’ll be steady on my 2 feet again. In the meantime, I’m left to visualize what the next steps in my journey look like. Happy Hump Day!

When I woke up this morning, I was flooded with a memory. I’m not sure why it came to me all of a sudden – perhaps anxiety or fear or something deep in my subconscious. In any case, it has flipped my packing for NYC on its head.

I shared the photo from my last trip to NYC back in 2003 where I couldn’t even recognize my face. I honestly don’t remember a whole lot about that trip because it was quick and I didn’t do many touristy things. The one thing that flooded back to me today: my pain.

I remember walking around with my friends. We went to different shops and were just passing time. There wasn’t a set plan. I started panicking earlier in the day when we first set off on our rambling adventures in the city. Early on I got blisters and I was just silently hoping that the pain wouldn’t get worse than that. As the day wore on, however, my legs and feet started swelling. My shoes started cutting into my feet and the blisters popped. At that time in my life I was in complete denial about my size and health. I didn’t talk about it with anyone, so I tried to suffer in silence.

After a couple more hours, however, I couldn’t do it anymore. I asked that we go into a Puma store that we were walking past so I could look for some tennis shoes. They had some really awesome shoes, but I remember them all being over $125 which was out of the question for my college budget. I tried to act like I didn’t like the colors or style, so I bought a 2 pack of socks (they had blue glitter puma outlines on them) and we set back out.

We stumbled past a Sketchers store and I asked to go inside. There, I tried on tennis shoes that were my size and couldn’t get them on my feet. I remember looking at my friends and their boredom as I hunched over a bench trying to put these huge, heavy Sketchers on my feet over my newly-purchased Puma socks. The sales associate suggested I try mens shoes, so I asked him to bring me the most lady-like pair, which ended up being these massive white things. As soon as I got them on my feet, I never took them off and walked out poorer with the pair of shoes on my feet and my offending flats in the Sketchers bag. There wasn’t relief though – the pain was past just my feet being swollen. Legs hurt, my ankles hurt – it was just bad.

I have some trepidation about this trip because of my ankle injury, but I have to remember how far I’ve come and how I have gone 13.1 miles – surely I can pound some pavement in NYC. I saw this today and thought it was really appropriate:

So, my newly-improved self (in body) will forge ahead with this (hopefully) newly-improved mindset. Here’s to enjoying the city!

When I was in middle school, I took my first trip to New York City. It was a school trip, and I was so excited to go. NYC represented the land of grown-up, successful, fancy people living in a metropolis of awesome. In high school, our senior trip was to NYC and again I felt the wonder and awe of Broadway shows, public transportation, and shopping. I always wanted to get the hell out of Kentucky, and idealized NYC like a crazy person. When I ended up having to go to college in Kentucky, I was devastated. (Don’t hate me now Kentucky friends – I am so, so glad things worked out how they did!) My senior year of college, I went to an advertising conference in NYC and once again felt the lure of the high rise buildings and power suits. It was then, however, that I realized that I couldn’t fit in there, because I couldn’t really walk around. I even remember having major fear about fitting in a cab while wearing a too-tight suit with awful pantyhose. I saw this photo recently and I believe it is the only one I have of me from that trip. A friend grabbed my camera and took a photo:

in 2003

Later this week, I’ll be back in NYC for a conference and while I’m no longer dreaming of bright lights and late nights in the city, I am wondering if I’ll feel like as much as an outsider as I did last time I was there. Of course, I know people of all shapes and sizes live everywhere. When I was younger, I loved the thought of NYC because of cultural diversity, but now as a more cynical grown up, I worry about a jackass saying something about me in passing. My skin isn’t nearly as thick as I pretend it is.

Anyway, I’ll report back from my New York adventures next week.

Completely unrelated to New York:

I am starting up a twice monthly email newsletter and would love if you wanted to subscribe. No spam, no sharing your email addresses, etc. Sometimes, there are things I don’t know if I want to put up here on the blog since it’s so public, so these things will be covered in the newsletter. It will be unfiltered and unedited, and won’t always be about weight loss. Sometimes life just takes over

If you already get my posts via email (via Feedburner), you still need to sign up for the newsletter here. I am not going to assume anyone already signed up for my posts will want even more email from me, so you’ll have to sign up for this one as well.

Is there anything in particular you’d like to see in the newsletter? Let me know in the comments, or email me at emmie (at) skinnyemmie (dot) com.

This is just a silly post to display the shift in perception versus reality. My mental patience has been tested lately, and I’m working hard to overcome the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. I hope someone else can relate to this

A note from young grasshopper Emmie (my past):

Hi, my name is Emmie and I’m a weight-loss ninja. 

You see, I’m going to start this blog where I talk about my workouts. I’ll talk about food and struggles and show my weight to the entire interwebz. I’ll post awesome progress photos and it will hold me accountable. 

With this blog, I’ll make new friends and feel supported by people. I can use it like a journal, except it’s public. Maybe this way, I won’t forget to write things down.

Being a ninja means that I’m fast and swift and deadly. I will fight the fat with hard work and sheer determination. 

In two years, I’ll be at my goal weight. I will have become a black belt in weight loss and fitness. I’ll have crazy before and after photos and will be able to do all of the things that I never could before without major anxiety. Flying without a seatbelt extender, riding on roller coasters, climbing a mountain – I will conquer it all.

Huzzah!

A note from Emmie Miyagi (my present):

Hi, my name is Emmie and I’m a weight loss ninja.

Perhaps I’m not a black belt, and as you can tell, I might not look like a stereotypical ninja. I feel like one though. I’ve battled through depression, anxiety, distance, and injury. I have been tested in the ways of perseverance, overcoming laziness, and resisting cheese fries. My mental state has bent from deliriously happy to massively frustrated and ready to throw-in-the-towel. Yet I’ve bent without breaking. That’s pretty ninja-like.

The villan of self-doubt might never go away. The goal is to outsmart it and display superior tactics to fight it off. While the body must be sharp, the mind must be sharper as the real enemy lies within.

Fight on, warrior!

Today, I am still. The day is busy, but my mind eases from the strain of overanalyzing what is wrong with me and why I can’t look a certain way or lose weight as quickly as I want to. The nagging has taken a nap today, and for that I am grateful.

Struggle has it’s purpose in life, no matter how awful it may seem. Personally, I think struggle is what makes us stronger, more determined, and grateful for the result at the end. We fight the struggle and it turns into vocal complaints, discomfort, and even complacency.

What happens if we stop fighting the struggle and instead accept it and sit in it? Would we have more energy to fight harder for our dreams if we stopped being angry about the circumstances? Would we find a path to a quicker calm so we can rise against the current again?

base image credit: jdhancock on Flickr, text added by Skinny Emmie

Hi friends. Wow, it’s been a few days since I’ve posted! For some reason, I’ve overbooked myself like crazy this month. In the past 3 weeks I’ve been to Chicago and Nashville, and in a little over 1 week, I’ll be in New York City. Thankfully after May 1, I don’t have any other crazy out of town things for another few months, so hopefully I can write more – it’s so cathartic for me.

Here are some bullet points of things I wanted to share:

• I wanted to thank Skirt! Magazine Lexington for including me in their April issue. You can see the photo and interview here. 
• I’ve started going back and reading some old posts of mine to get some perspective on where I’m at now. Over 2 years of weight loss blogging is a lot of posts, and I seem to forget my own advice sometimes. Here’s one that helped me focus a little this week from March 2011: Non-Scale Victories. It’s crazy how quickly we forget how far we’ve come.
• Here are some recent posts I’ve written on the ENELL Sports Bra blog that you might like:

• Mental Fitness: Do you have a “comfort food” for your mind?
• Changing Fitness Goals: How often do you re-evaluate your fitness goals?
• The Undie Awards: ENELL is up for an Undie Award (yes, it’s a real thing!)

• H&M plus sizes review
• Outfit of the day: White stripes
• Moon and Lola accessories

I hope you had a great weekend!

Last Thursday was my 31st birthday. It’s been difficult to really celebrate my birthday since my mom passed as the anniversary of her death and my birthday are only 2 days apart. Since I didn’t do anything to celebrate the big 3-0 last year, I decided to do 2 things I love this year: go to the horse races and sing karaoke.

If you’re not familiar with Lexington, Keeneland is a race track here in town that runs in April and October. I might be biased, but I think it’s one of the most beautiful places to experience Thoroughbred racing. I am thankful for David and friends Holli, Tyler, Elizabeth and Amber for hanging out with me, and for Eric for stopping by to say hello.

I had to bet on this horse for the name. Unfortunately, it lost.

I had a lot of fun at Keeneland. I ended up winning on several races, which is always more exciting than losing!

After Keeneland, I had people over to my house to sing karaoke and eat, drink, and be merry. I always hate asking people over for a party because I feel like a sixth grader waiting and hoping that someone shows up. I was convinced I’d be left alone at my own party with platters full of food and a refrigerator full of alcohol. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case and I had so much fun!

The most depressing karaoke song ever. Name that tune!

Birthday’s are always such a time for reflection. I’m not sure where I thought I’d be at age 31, but I feel pretty darn good with where I’m at. Here’s to another great year!

image via It's a Crafty Life

I have to say thank you to everyone who wrote really kind words with response to yesterday’s post about the anniversary of my mom’s death. I was going to try to respond to all of them, but it was getting me emotional again (not in a bad way) and I already am worn out from yesterday. I’m one of those people who thinks about death being a part of life – it’s something we all experience. Whether it’s a family member or a dear friend or a pet, loss and grief are just two inherent parts of life. Does it suck? Hell yeah. Can we do something to change it? No.

After I wrote the letter to my mom yesterday, I got a little hysterical. I haven’t felt grief like that since the day she passed away. I don’t know where it came from or what triggered it (more so than being the anniversary of her death, which in years past never hit me this hard). It was a debilitating grief and my pup just let me hug on her while I tried to calm down and then sleep it off.

Things have been a little shaky with me lately, as I’m sure you’ve noticed with some of my posts. Perhaps yesterday’s meltdown was partially a result of that. I’m frustrated with my ankle. Seriously, I want to stop talking about it. I feel bad, but in physical therapy I have just wanted to go “what good is this doing?!” They sense my frustration without me having to say anything though, and it seems that my tendon injury that I’ve had OVER 1 year now without much relief at all might actually be due to nerve issues in my back. So I’ve gone from treating it with insoles to rest to cortisone shot to boot to dealing with pain to cast to another boot to physical therapy for strengthening my foot to now physical therapy for my back plus strengthening my hips and core. Working my back has helped provide temporary relief so far, so I’m hoping that I can continue to work on it and I might see some more permanent relief. I’ve been in this sedentary state for too long and it’s creeping into the old standby excuse of “well, I’m broken and it sucks so I’m going to just eat what I want.” Of course that’s not how things work.

We all want to be superstar success stories. We think if we hit some big goal or benchmark that it will make everything better and it will become easier. Going through this completely physically stagnant year since the half marathon is making me a little batty. I want to prove I can be successful and that my hard work is paying off.

The crazy thing is that looking at things in this perspective is so one-sided. Proving something to readers or to skeptics or to friends is all external validation. What I need to focus on is internal validation.

Perhaps I need a visit from Stuart Smalley:

I’m still working on being my best. I’m not writing this to tell you, I’m writing it to tell myself. Without sounding like a cosmetics commercial, I’m worth it. Thanks for hanging with me.

I have no idea how it is Wednesday already. I wanted to share a hodgepodge of things, so I guess humpday is a good day to do so!

1. I’m up for Best Weight Loss blog at Fitness Magazine! I wrote a while back about why I want more people in the traditional fitness arena to know about me and others like me who aren’t striving for a certain clothing size, but are focusing on living a healthy life. If you are so inclined, I would love if you would vote for me here. You do have to register to vote, but it’s painless and you don’t have to opt in to emails to do so. You can vote for multiple blogs, so check out the other great ones in the running.

2. A new obsession: Tazo Awake Black tea with a drop of milk and some stevia. It’s starting to replace my coffee habit. So good! And don’t you love my coffee mug? (Go Cats!)

3. Speaking of cats, my dog loves them. At least when she can lay on them.

4. Some posts you might like that I wrote on the ENELL blog:

• National Napping Day (yes, it really exists)
• Office Yoga
• A 5K that I think would be AMAZING
• Musical Motivation – some people’s favorite workout songs of the moment

5. Something else I love? Sushi. Something I love even more? Sushi on a conveyer belt.

6. Current favorite at-home meal: mixed greens with strawberries, shrimp, and balsamic vinegar glaze

That’s enough randomness for one day. What are you up to?

First, I am really, really thankful for all of the comments, tweets, and Facebook messages about my post about finding life. Sometimes there are things that I struggle with really voicing, and I am really glad that it has resonated in a way that 1) confirms I’m not crazy; 2) makes me realize I’m not alone. How many times have you felt like you were all alone in a struggle, only to find out others have either been there as well, are battling something harder than you, or are there to empathize? It’s an amazing comfort and it’s the reason I blog.

Second: This has nothing to do with my first point. Shiny things.

This is one of the most blatant asks I’ve ever done, and I’m blaming it on the sparkle. You see, I am easily distracted by shiny things. This phenomenon seems to have only started in the past year or so, and started with glittered ballet flats and is now working its way to glitter nail polish.

At Blissdom, the folks at Ritani (best known as making incredibly beautiful engagement rings) had a suite. They have these thin bands that you can combine to make your own look, called a Ritani Stack. There were lots of rings to choose from, and I designed one that is alternate bands of sapphires and diamonds. Diamonds are my birthstone (April) and sapphires are my second favorite stone because my favorite color is blue.

So here’s the “ask” – shameless, really. If you are on Pinterest, can you go “like” my ring creation? If I get the most “likes,” I not only win the stack, but 1 stack to give away to one of you! Talk about one incredible sparkly giveaway!!! EDITED TO ADD: Can you also go “like” the actual Pinboard this is on? It’s here, and you can just click “Like” at the top of the board.

Here’s some more detail of the styles in my Ritani Stack, as well as another photo I snagged with even more sparklies!

What colors would you put in your stack?

FTC Disclosure: I was not compensated in any way for this post. If I get the most “likes” on my Pinterest photo, I win a Ritani Stack plus one to give away here on my blog.

Not sure if it’s coincidence or if something really is going on with zombies, but I’ve had conversations with 2 groups of people this week about how long we’d survive if we were struck by a zombie apocalypse. Zombies take over, power goes out, and we have to fend for ourselves.

I don’t keep much shelf-stable food at my house, because I tend to only eat refrigerated, fresh items like veggies, meat, and seafood. When I was 455 pounds and at the height of my binge eating problem, I could have survived apocalypse for quite a while as I existed almost entirely on Doritos, cookies, potato chips, diet coke, and bean dip. Frozen pizzas were also quite plentiful, although I suppose that wouldn’t help me since I couldn’t keep the freezer cold or cook them by anything else but fire. I could open up my refrigerator and only have a bag of grapes, some half and half, Velveeta queso, and some orange juice staring back at me. These days, I have trouble finding room for food in there.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to make light of my former binging or get a laugh out of the stereotypical “fat person” foods – this is just fact.

Last week, my husband and I came to a realization: we had each individually been solicited to buy Girl Scout cookies from his nieces. This means in addition to my big order which I have no intention of eating anytime soon, he also placed a big order with his favorites and what he thought were my favorites.

At first I was all:

ZOMG. How am I going to be able to resist these damn cookies? I love cookies. Nom nom nom. I want some NOW! But wait: I don’t eat sugar! Or flour! Damn!

I want cookies! These are, like, so special. Only once a year. COOKIES!

Today I realized that I cannot eat the cookies. Not because they aren’t great for you, but because I need at least SOME food to tide me over during the zombie apocalypse. And I’m not sure about you, but when the end comes, at least I’m going with a belly full of Caramel DeLites.

Random post for the night.

I wanted to share 2 posts I wrote this week on the ENELL blog because I think you all will have insight into them:

- How do you introduce new activities into your routine?
- Many people are giving up things for Lent, even if not for religious reasons. How can we flip the negativity into a positive?

Also, I wanted to share my post about my home office renovation that I put up on Emmie Loves. Hope you like it!

Off to Blissdom in the morning. Catch you on the flip side!

Wow. This has been the longest break between blog posts I’ve had in the history of this blog. Should be an indication of how crazy life is right now. Just lots of things going on and no time to update. Things should calm down soon.

My last day in the office was Friday, and since then, I’ve thrown myself into overhauling my home office. It’s been a crazy amount of work, and I’m someone who can’t stop something and admit defeat. Throughout buckets of paint, sanding furniture, stenciling, and spray painting half of my office furniture, I’ve worn myself out. No rest or relaxation, just paint fumes and headaches.

Here is my perfectly imperfect new feature wall:

I’m ridiculously impatient sometimes, and this wall tested every ounce of patience I had. I’m happy with the end result though.

Thursday morning, my partner-in-crime (and half-marathon buddy and accountant) Holli and I are heading to Nashville for Blissdom, a blogging conference. I’m excited, but haven’t had two seconds to really think about it in the midst of wrapping up work and then nose-diving into a redecorating frenzy. Hoping I can wrap the project up tomorrow and get back to business!

Hope everyone is well. xoxo

This past week, I got an upgrade:

Hooray for no more purple cast! I’m now in another walking boot, and was fitted for custom insoles for shoes. I’ve got 12 weeks of physical therapy twice a week ahead of me. I’m still in pain, but hope that with my new custom insoles (which I will wear inside my boot) and therapy that it will start to feel like it’s healing. Not sure if I was more excited to put on socks (cold toes), shave my leg, or stop showering with a trash bag around one leg. It’s a tossup!

Also great news? I can now swim for physical activity! Y’all know I love swimming. Of course, I now have to get my schedule back to a place where a trip to the gym is a priority, but I’ve got big news on that front that I’ll share soon.

Hope you had a good weekend. Anything fun in store for the week?

The past couple of weeks, I’ve dealt with a black cloud following me around. I’ve questioned myself many times, and for some reason can’t pick myself up from the bootstraps as I normally do. I don’t say this to cause any alarm – I say it to show that this is normal.

Things with the cast have gotten me down. I’m tired of hobbling and showering with a trash bag and clunking around. I’ve also done a really poor job with stress management and sleep these past few weeks, so I’m in re-evaluation mode to see how I can better manage.

I’m meeting with my doctor regularly to monitor progress with sleep, energy, and motivation. I know I have everything I need to succeed, and that one day I’ll look back at this dark spot and laugh.

The cast comes off Wednesday, so I’m looking forward to whatever comes next with my ankle. Unfortunately, I’m still in pain, so there are going to be more steps in the process. But at this point, a cast-less leg coupled with some shaving gel and a razor will make me a pretty happy girl.

Thanks for being my flashlight. xoxo

Blah. Another weekend down the drain and I feel even more behind than I did when the weekend started! I’m one of those people who has a lot of ideas that come up through the week, and then on the weekend rush to try to figure out how do to them. This week, I had all sorts of things I wanted to write, and ended up with very little of it done. So is life!

There is one thing in particular that I wrote on the ENELL blog that I wanted to share here, because it’s a question I’ve thought about often, and think it’s a great self-reflection exercise: What would you do if you dared to dream bigger? 

This week, I also got a copy of Spry Magazine in the mail – it’s an insert in the paper in the vain of Parade, but I don’t get it here in my local paper. They put my mug in their January issue:

The great people at local Ace Weekly Magazine published the story I wrote about my feelings towards Georgia’s anti-childhood obesity campaign. It’s slightly edited for print, but more or less what I blogged about a couple of weeks ago. You can check it out online here.

Last but not least, my favorite pin of the week from Pinterest:

What is going on in your neck of the woods?

This week has just been a little rough. My cast is really starting to bug the heck out of me. Waking up early and trying to tightly secure a trash bag around my leg so I can get in the shower is just NOT my idea of fun. I bought some fancy-dancy thing that is supposed to cover your cast and then vacuum seal to your leg so no water gets in. It seriously is like a blue, leg-sized condom (yes, I said it) and the worst part is that it doesn’t fit around my thigh. So, trash bags it is.

In addition to the cast annoying me, my lower back muscles have been locked up all week. I move a centimeter and they start spazzing and I can’t move. I’m sure it’s from my uneven clunking around in my boot. I have no idea how to make it stop beyond painkillers and muscle relaxers. Seeing as I’m trying to get OFF medication, popping these down doesn’t make me feel good.

I got home from work today and felt awful. I didn’t want to cook dinner, my toes were cold from being exposed in the winter temps, my back was seizing up.

I popped open the laptop while my chicken meatballs were cooking (after having to hunch over the counter while chopping up the onions) and saw my belly on Shape Magazine’s website:

Obviously I knew I gave them a quote, but didn’t know when it would go up. I read my own words and stared at my photo as if it was an out-of-body experience. I thought:

“That girl is doing awesome. She’s already a success. She’s in it to win it.”

I snapped back to reality and let it sink in… I’m alright. I’m okay. I will come back stronger than ever, and it will be epic.

Tonight, I’m being thankful for my purple cast that’s propped up on pillows and the comfort of a heating pad relieving some pain in my back. I’m alright. I’m okay.

I’ve spent Christmas alone with the pup while hubs works a double shift. We did his family Christmas yesterday, which was lots of fun. This is the first year my family (dad and sister – there aren’t many of us) didn’t come in for Christmas, so it’s been a little odd. So quiet! I spent the day watching TV and reading magazines – something I hadn’t done in over 1 month. It’s been quite relaxing!

I hope that no matter where you are and who you’re with, you have a fantastic day! xoxo

gratuitous picture of my dog Lilly

Many of you have asked on Twitter, Facebook, or via email if I had an update on my health issues and CPAP progress. I appreciate people following up about it – I don’t want this whole blog to turn into a “woe-I’m-sick” thing, because that’s SO not what I’m about. That being said, I know personally I didn’t know about half of this stuff before I sought out answers, so maybe sharing will be helpful to some.

I’m happy to report that I’m up to about 7 hours with the CPAP machine. There have been times where I’ve woken up without it on, meaning sometime in the middle of the night I’ve unclipped it and thrown it on the floor. The worst part is taking it off to go to the restroom, and then putting it back on to go back to sleep.

A couple of days ago I got a different CPAP mask to try. I use a full face mask right now because I’m a mouth breather when I sleep. If I were to only use a nasal mask but still continue to try to breathe through my mouth at night, I wouldn’t get nearly the same benefit. I wanted to try out a mask that didn’t have the plastic bar against the forehead and that was smaller. Here is a comparison of the old versus new mask:

I’m going to give it a couple more days, but I think the new mask is almost too small – it comes unsealed easily and that means I have my own personal leaf blower fan blowing in my face all night.

As far as telling a difference in fatigue – I have noticed a slight one. This could be a combination of the CPAP and my supplements and shots. Whatever the reason, I just hope it continues to get better.

On another note, I went back to the orthopedic surgeon last week to check on my still-irritated ankle. It’s just as swollen and even more painful than before I went into the boot. He wrote me a prescription for orthotic shoes, however given I’m only in my work shoes going less than .2 miles/day and on my rear, I want to make sure I’m being as proactive as possible. Thus a second opinion is scheduled with a foot and ankle orthopedic specialist this week. There is no way I can stand to go through 3 months in orthotic shoes only to have no improvement and still not be able to workout how I want to. Walking is even painful at this point.

I have been pretty frustrated as of late, however I have to remember that at least I have the help I need and some solid plans to getting better. It can only go up from here.

On a happy note, I went to Indianapolis last night to see Million Dollar Quartet. I was able to spend time with one of my besties as well as one of my oldest friends who works on the show (and has lost an incredible amount of weight – she looked FANTASTIC). It was really an incredible show. I highly recommend you go see it if it comes near you. If the show had been 3 weeks ago, I without a doubt wouldn’t have had the energy to travel there and enjoy the company. For that, I’m really thankful.

About Celebrate 2011: This year has been full of ups and downs for me. In January, I certainly didn’t think I’d have health issues and then end up losing less than 20 pounds in the year. It seriously, seriously had me down in the dumps the past few months. Instead of focusing on the pounds lost, I’ve decided to write a few posts celebrating all the great things I did in 2011. 

In May, I got a Groupon and tried Bikram Yoga. I honestly have no idea the differences between types of yoga (my sister practices kundalini yoga), but I knew Bikram was hot yoga, and in my mind, it seemed like something really fit people would do. This ironically made me want to try it.

Here is my recap. I think I ended up doing about 8 sessions total. The awesome folks at Bikram Yoga Lexington offered me sessions even beyond my Groupon, but I was just not in the right mindset at the time to continue. If I’m going to spend 90 minutes exercising, I want to enjoy it. I think it’s definitely something I’ll do more of as I get further into my journey.

The one myth I want to debunk about Bikram is that there are only really tiny, flexible people who practice it. I seriously saw bodies of all shapes and sizes in the sessions. Some people were very advanced in their practice, and some that “looked” conventionally the fittest had trouble doing some of the postures. It’s definitely all about the individual and not about anyone else around you.

Just for fun, this is my sister doing one of her yoga poses. How 2 siblings can be so different physically is beyond me! And if you’ve done Bikram Yoga before, you have to read this Best of Craigslist ad for a yoga mat – hilarious.

Did you try something new in 2011?

About Celebrate 2011: This year has been full of ups and downs for me. In January, I certainly didn’t think I’d have health issues and then end up losing less than 20 pounds in the year. It seriously, seriously had me down in the dumps the past few months. Instead of focusing on the pounds lost, I’ve decided to write a few posts celebrating all the great things I did in 2011. 

2011 brought the accomplishment of a bucket list item: doing a half-marathon. I never thought I’d be a half-marathoner at 350 pounds, but I was excited to train with friends and do a race in my home city.

Mary Ann, Amber, Me, Holli

I will never forget the feeling of achievement, the grossness of a post-race donut (seriously, go for fruit or bread), or the amazing bottle of champagne consumed afterwards. It was a great experience, but I’m most proud of the money raised.

It was serendipitous that the half marathon was on the 4th anniversary of my mom’s passing from complications of young-onset Parkinson’s disease; and 2 days before my 30th birthday. With your help, I raised over $2,600 for the Kentucky Neuroscience Institute at the University of Kentucky that went towards Parkinson’s research.

The only downside to the half marathon is the injury to my ankle that I’ve been dealing with since then (7 months in). I just learned I need more treatment on it, and think I probably spent over $2,600 on medical treatment for it. Oh well, live and learn! I’m still glad I did it

Another weekend down the drain!

Friday consisted of me watching about 2 hours of TV, which was incredible because I just completely vegged out, which I don’t do often at all. It felt wonderful.

Saturday we had hubs’ family over to watch UK beat UNC in basketball, when we put the tree up. I was then visited by the Respiratory Therapist (who uses a CPAP and was not fat) to get me all set up with my fancy new CPAP. I consider myself a bit of a technophile, but I just couldn’t get excited with this, no matter how techy it is:

It honestly feels like I’m wearing a Darth Vader mask and someone is blowing a leaf blower into it. Crazy.

I tried to sleep with it. It went on at 10:30pm and came off at 3am. I would consider that a first night success if I had actually fallen asleep. Unfortunately I didn’t. I then slept until noon today sans-mask and woke up with the worst migraine ever. Took some ibuprofen and then slept sans CPAP from 2-4:30pm. I then gathered myself together long enough to decorate the Christmas tree, which always reminds me of my mom.

Here are some recent posts I wrote over at the ENELL blog that I think you might enjoy. As always, feel free to jump into the discussion at the ENELL Facebook page or the Skinny Emmie Facebook page.

• Working out while at work
• Travel Tips
• Germy Gym
• The Freshman 15 (hint: it’s a lie!)

Also this week, my first post went up at ShePosts, where I’m a new contributor. Check it out. 

Thanks always for being a source of strength and a great outlet. Here’s to a great week!

I’m digging out of my hole today after 4 days of being really sick. I feel like my body just shut down and was refusing to go anymore. In one stretch, I slept 17 of 24 hours and still thought I could sleep another 48. Thankfully, I now have antibiotics in my system and am halfway functioning again.

The bad news is that when I feel like crap, I eat like crap. I didn’t have an appetite for about 48 hours, so what did I eat instead of proper meals? Pieces of pecan pie.

Instead of going to the grocery store to load up on nice paleo foods, I decided that pizza would make everything better (when in fact, it did not).

So now, I’m not only under the weather, but I’m also bloated and kicking myself at the poor food choices I’ve made the past few days. The traditional Thanksgiving grub didn’t help matters either.

Here’s to hoping I have energy tomorrow to drag myself out of bed and get to the grocery store, and then to prepare all the food I’ll need for the week. Blah.

Anyone else find they eat junk when they’re sick? I gravitate towards it like it’s medicine. Blech.

You know when you see something that really tickles you and you laugh like crazy even though it’s not really that funny? That’s what happened when I saw this:

Quick story: When I was in grad school, I had a birthday party for a friend. We went out, had an awesome time, then everyone came back to my house for some more drinks. At that time, I was doing Atkins, which meant I was drinking hard alcohol (as opposed to wine or beer), and I wasn’t eating sugar or flour.

In my drunken stupor around 2am, I was sitting at my dining room table with my friend’s half eaten cake in front of me while my friend Jake and I bantered about something stupid. You know how alcohol impaires judgement? Well, I decided that cake was TOTALLY Atkins-friendly IF I removed the icing. No idea where that came from, but it made perfect sense to me. Jake and I peeled back the layers of frosting with our fingers while I ate the white cake underneath. It was really funny at the time…. until I puked. Lesson learned: Don’t drink and eat cake.

Anyway, here’s recap of some things from this week I’d love if you’d check out:

• I’m giving away a pair of eloquii by The Limited jeans for the low cost of a tweet! Enter by Tuesday at 5pm EST for your chance to win.
• There is a new plus size activewear line called AdoraOm. You all know how much I long for great fitting activewear.
• On the ENELL blog, I covered Running and Yoga
• Also on the ENELL blog, I share a story of regret from missing a 5k this week.
• I shared my recipe for sauteed cabbage – very yummy.
• I was reminded that I need to experience life more.

Feel free to share one of your posts in the comments below!

This whole getting healthy thing can wear on you. The eating and exercise is fine, but my complete lack of energy combined with high stress and anxiety means that my whole being feels out of whack. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel 100 times better than I did at 455 pounds, but to go week after week, month after month of the scale sticking its tongue out at you is at times, infuriating.

This weight loss journey is much more than the scale. It’s about health. So far in my efforts, I’ve tried to get as much professional help as possible. Sometimes it helps, others it doesn’t.

• Trainer Rob helped from the personal training aspect- he made sure I didn’t get hurt and helped me back to fitness
• Trainers Jim and Molly now help me and make sure I’m exercising effectively and don’t get hurt
• Nutritionist Tina got me hooked up to a calorimeter and asking myself questions about why I was eating food
• My primary care physician gave me the normal battery of blood tests and declared me “normal”
• My therapist talks to me about how to manage my anxiety and put the past behind me
• My psychiatrist makes sure that my medications for anxiety, insomnia, and depression are doing what they are supposed to
• My specialist doc recently did a lot of blood tests and pulled me off beef and eggs.
• She also ordered a one day hormone test, which I did yesterday. I got to spit into 6 tubes throughout the day. Do you know how hard it is to produce 3ml of saliva at a time? Hard. #drymouth
• Tonight, as we delve deeper into what is going on with my body, I get to have this stranger in my bed:

You wish you were this cool.

An at-home sleep study for 2 nights. Aye. Whatever it takes though, in the name of breaking this damn stall and getting some energy back. I go back in for results of blood + saliva + sleep the week after Thanksgiving. Can’t get here soon enough. Can I tell you how badly I hope something IS wrong, and that it’s treatable? Otherwise, I’ve got nothing.

In the past, this kind of stall would have derailed me almost instantaneously. The whole question of “why am I even putting myself through this?” question would tell me to sit my ass back down on the recliner and open up a bag of chips. The fact of the matter is, that would be putting myself through much more stress, exhaustion, and anxiety than a healthy lifestyle causes.

So bring on the docs and experts. I’m here to be poked and prodded (not in a nasty way, y’all!) so I can figure this out and get back to my weight loss ninja ways.

Have you consulted different physicians during your weight loss efforts?

I don’t know about anyone else, but the days go by too fast for my liking! Especially the weekends.

Anyway, one of the big questions I get quite frequently is “what is your advice for people who are trying to lose weight?” I found something on Pinterest (of course) that totally summarizes my answer:

All too often, we wait for the perfect situation before making a big change. If you want to change to living a healthier life, nothing is ever going to be perfect for it. The grocery gods won’t rain down organic greens on your head. The gym won’t have a free membership with a chauffeured car to take you to and fro. Your kids won’t magically be able to watch themselves and not need you morning, noon, and night.

Take the life that you have NOW and make the changes you need to meet your next goal. Stop waiting. Start doing.

Can you identify with this?

How in the world is it Friday night already?! This week FLEW by. I’m tired, so here we go with incomplete sentences:

• Thank you SO SO SO much for your comments on my Biggest Loser vlog. Really got much more reaction than I thought it would.
• Are you following my ramblings over on the ENELL blog? It’s not all about sports bras, promise! Here are some of my favorite recent posts:Looks don’t make you a runner; Were you ever a “before?”; Music for the (Shoe) Sole
• This week, I met with a new (to me) doctor. We’re playing hardball investigators trying to figure out why I can’t lose a single pound. Lots of tests. LOTS. Will post more about this later when I have some more answers.
• This weekend is the Walk from Obesity in Indianapolis. Yay! If for some reason you missed this memo and are near Indy and want to meet up with some of us for dinner Saturday night, email me at emmie (at) skinnyemmie (dot) com ASAP and include your cell phone number. I don’t really pre-prepare speeches word-for-word, but my yammering will have something to do with this:

I hope everyone has a great weekend! Would love to hear what you’re up to.