The past couple of weeks, I’ve dealt with a black cloud following me around. I’ve questioned myself many times, and for some reason can’t pick myself up from the bootstraps as I normally do. I don’t say this to cause any alarm – I say it to show that this is normal.

Things with the cast have gotten me down. I’m tired of hobbling and showering with a trash bag and clunking around. I’ve also done a really poor job with stress management and sleep these past few weeks, so I’m in re-evaluation mode to see how I can better manage.

I’m meeting with my doctor regularly to monitor progress with sleep, energy, and motivation. I know I have everything I need to succeed, and that one day I’ll look back at this dark spot and laugh.

The cast comes off Wednesday, so I’m looking forward to whatever comes next with my ankle. Unfortunately, I’m still in pain, so there are going to be more steps in the process. But at this point, a cast-less leg coupled with some shaving gel and a razor will make me a pretty happy girl.

Thanks for being my flashlight. xoxo

Blah. Another weekend down the drain and I feel even more behind than I did when the weekend started! I’m one of those people who has a lot of ideas that come up through the week, and then on the weekend rush to try to figure out how do to them. This week, I had all sorts of things I wanted to write, and ended up with very little of it done. So is life!

There is one thing in particular that I wrote on the ENELL blog that I wanted to share here, because it’s a question I’ve thought about often, and think it’s a great self-reflection exercise: What would you do if you dared to dream bigger? 

This week, I also got a copy of Spry Magazine in the mail – it’s an insert in the paper in the vain of Parade, but I don’t get it here in my local paper. They put my mug in their January issue:

The great people at local Ace Weekly Magazine published the story I wrote about my feelings towards Georgia’s anti-childhood obesity campaign. It’s slightly edited for print, but more or less what I blogged about a couple of weeks ago. You can check it out online here.

Last but not least, my favorite pin of the week from Pinterest:

What is going on in your neck of the woods?

This week has just been a little rough. My cast is really starting to bug the heck out of me. Waking up early and trying to tightly secure a trash bag around my leg so I can get in the shower is just NOT my idea of fun. I bought some fancy-dancy thing that is supposed to cover your cast and then vacuum seal to your leg so no water gets in. It seriously is like a blue, leg-sized condom (yes, I said it) and the worst part is that it doesn’t fit around my thigh. So, trash bags it is.

In addition to the cast annoying me, my lower back muscles have been locked up all week. I move a centimeter and they start spazzing and I can’t move. I’m sure it’s from my uneven clunking around in my boot. I have no idea how to make it stop beyond painkillers and muscle relaxers. Seeing as I’m trying to get OFF medication, popping these down doesn’t make me feel good.

I got home from work today and felt awful. I didn’t want to cook dinner, my toes were cold from being exposed in the winter temps, my back was seizing up.

I popped open the laptop while my chicken meatballs were cooking (after having to hunch over the counter while chopping up the onions) and saw my belly on Shape Magazine’s website:

Obviously I knew I gave them a quote, but didn’t know when it would go up. I read my own words and stared at my photo as if it was an out-of-body experience. I thought:

“That girl is doing awesome. She’s already a success. She’s in it to win it.”

I snapped back to reality and let it sink in… I’m alright. I’m okay. I will come back stronger than ever, and it will be epic.

Tonight, I’m being thankful for my purple cast that’s propped up on pillows and the comfort of a heating pad relieving some pain in my back. I’m alright. I’m okay.

I’ve spent Christmas alone with the pup while hubs works a double shift. We did his family Christmas yesterday, which was lots of fun. This is the first year my family (dad and sister – there aren’t many of us) didn’t come in for Christmas, so it’s been a little odd. So quiet! I spent the day watching TV and reading magazines – something I hadn’t done in over 1 month. It’s been quite relaxing!

I hope that no matter where you are and who you’re with, you have a fantastic day! xoxo

gratuitous picture of my dog Lilly

Many of you have asked on Twitter, Facebook, or via email if I had an update on my health issues and CPAP progress. I appreciate people following up about it – I don’t want this whole blog to turn into a “woe-I’m-sick” thing, because that’s SO not what I’m about. That being said, I know personally I didn’t know about half of this stuff before I sought out answers, so maybe sharing will be helpful to some.

I’m happy to report that I’m up to about 7 hours with the CPAP machine. There have been times where I’ve woken up without it on, meaning sometime in the middle of the night I’ve unclipped it and thrown it on the floor. The worst part is taking it off to go to the restroom, and then putting it back on to go back to sleep.

A couple of days ago I got a different CPAP mask to try. I use a full face mask right now because I’m a mouth breather when I sleep. If I were to only use a nasal mask but still continue to try to breathe through my mouth at night, I wouldn’t get nearly the same benefit. I wanted to try out a mask that didn’t have the plastic bar against the forehead and that was smaller. Here is a comparison of the old versus new mask:

I’m going to give it a couple more days, but I think the new mask is almost too small – it comes unsealed easily and that means I have my own personal leaf blower fan blowing in my face all night.

As far as telling a difference in fatigue – I have noticed a slight one. This could be a combination of the CPAP and my supplements and shots. Whatever the reason, I just hope it continues to get better.

On another note, I went back to the orthopedic surgeon last week to check on my still-irritated ankle. It’s just as swollen and even more painful than before I went into the boot. He wrote me a prescription for orthotic shoes, however given I’m only in my work shoes going less than .2 miles/day and on my rear, I want to make sure I’m being as proactive as possible. Thus a second opinion is scheduled with a foot and ankle orthopedic specialist this week. There is no way I can stand to go through 3 months in orthotic shoes only to have no improvement and still not be able to workout how I want to. Walking is even painful at this point.

I have been pretty frustrated as of late, however I have to remember that at least I have the help I need and some solid plans to getting better. It can only go up from here.

On a happy note, I went to Indianapolis last night to see Million Dollar Quartet. I was able to spend time with one of my besties as well as one of my oldest friends who works on the show (and has lost an incredible amount of weight – she looked FANTASTIC). It was really an incredible show. I highly recommend you go see it if it comes near you. If the show had been 3 weeks ago, I without a doubt wouldn’t have had the energy to travel there and enjoy the company. For that, I’m really thankful.

About Celebrate 2011: This year has been full of ups and downs for me. In January, I certainly didn’t think I’d have health issues and then end up losing less than 20 pounds in the year. It seriously, seriously had me down in the dumps the past few months. Instead of focusing on the pounds lost, I’ve decided to write a few posts celebrating all the great things I did in 2011. 

In May, I got a Groupon and tried Bikram Yoga. I honestly have no idea the differences between types of yoga (my sister practices kundalini yoga), but I knew Bikram was hot yoga, and in my mind, it seemed like something really fit people would do. This ironically made me want to try it.

Here is my recap. I think I ended up doing about 8 sessions total. The awesome folks at Bikram Yoga Lexington offered me sessions even beyond my Groupon, but I was just not in the right mindset at the time to continue. If I’m going to spend 90 minutes exercising, I want to enjoy it. I think it’s definitely something I’ll do more of as I get further into my journey.

The one myth I want to debunk about Bikram is that there are only really tiny, flexible people who practice it. I seriously saw bodies of all shapes and sizes in the sessions. Some people were very advanced in their practice, and some that “looked” conventionally the fittest had trouble doing some of the postures. It’s definitely all about the individual and not about anyone else around you.

Just for fun, this is my sister doing one of her yoga poses. How 2 siblings can be so different physically is beyond me! And if you’ve done Bikram Yoga before, you have to read this Best of Craigslist ad for a yoga mat – hilarious.

Did you try something new in 2011?

About Celebrate 2011: This year has been full of ups and downs for me. In January, I certainly didn’t think I’d have health issues and then end up losing less than 20 pounds in the year. It seriously, seriously had me down in the dumps the past few months. Instead of focusing on the pounds lost, I’ve decided to write a few posts celebrating all the great things I did in 2011. 

2011 brought the accomplishment of a bucket list item: doing a half-marathon. I never thought I’d be a half-marathoner at 350 pounds, but I was excited to train with friends and do a race in my home city.

Mary Ann, Amber, Me, Holli

I will never forget the feeling of achievement, the grossness of a post-race donut (seriously, go for fruit or bread), or the amazing bottle of champagne consumed afterwards. It was a great experience, but I’m most proud of the money raised.

It was serendipitous that the half marathon was on the 4th anniversary of my mom’s passing from complications of young-onset Parkinson’s disease; and 2 days before my 30th birthday. With your help, I raised over $2,600 for the Kentucky Neuroscience Institute at the University of Kentucky that went towards Parkinson’s research.

The only downside to the half marathon is the injury to my ankle that I’ve been dealing with since then (7 months in). I just learned I need more treatment on it, and think I probably spent over $2,600 on medical treatment for it. Oh well, live and learn! I’m still glad I did it

Another weekend down the drain!

Friday consisted of me watching about 2 hours of TV, which was incredible because I just completely vegged out, which I don’t do often at all. It felt wonderful.

Saturday we had hubs’ family over to watch UK beat UNC in basketball, when we put the tree up. I was then visited by the Respiratory Therapist (who uses a CPAP and was not fat) to get me all set up with my fancy new CPAP. I consider myself a bit of a technophile, but I just couldn’t get excited with this, no matter how techy it is:

It honestly feels like I’m wearing a Darth Vader mask and someone is blowing a leaf blower into it. Crazy.

I tried to sleep with it. It went on at 10:30pm and came off at 3am. I would consider that a first night success if I had actually fallen asleep. Unfortunately I didn’t. I then slept until noon today sans-mask and woke up with the worst migraine ever. Took some ibuprofen and then slept sans CPAP from 2-4:30pm. I then gathered myself together long enough to decorate the Christmas tree, which always reminds me of my mom.

Here are some recent posts I wrote over at the ENELL blog that I think you might enjoy. As always, feel free to jump into the discussion at the ENELL Facebook page or the Skinny Emmie Facebook page.

• Working out while at work
• Travel Tips
• Germy Gym
• The Freshman 15 (hint: it’s a lie!)

Also this week, my first post went up at ShePosts, where I’m a new contributor. Check it out. 

Thanks always for being a source of strength and a great outlet. Here’s to a great week!

I’m digging out of my hole today after 4 days of being really sick. I feel like my body just shut down and was refusing to go anymore. In one stretch, I slept 17 of 24 hours and still thought I could sleep another 48. Thankfully, I now have antibiotics in my system and am halfway functioning again.

The bad news is that when I feel like crap, I eat like crap. I didn’t have an appetite for about 48 hours, so what did I eat instead of proper meals? Pieces of pecan pie.

Instead of going to the grocery store to load up on nice paleo foods, I decided that pizza would make everything better (when in fact, it did not).

So now, I’m not only under the weather, but I’m also bloated and kicking myself at the poor food choices I’ve made the past few days. The traditional Thanksgiving grub didn’t help matters either.

Here’s to hoping I have energy tomorrow to drag myself out of bed and get to the grocery store, and then to prepare all the food I’ll need for the week. Blah.

Anyone else find they eat junk when they’re sick? I gravitate towards it like it’s medicine. Blech.

You know when you see something that really tickles you and you laugh like crazy even though it’s not really that funny? That’s what happened when I saw this:

Quick story: When I was in grad school, I had a birthday party for a friend. We went out, had an awesome time, then everyone came back to my house for some more drinks. At that time, I was doing Atkins, which meant I was drinking hard alcohol (as opposed to wine or beer), and I wasn’t eating sugar or flour.

In my drunken stupor around 2am, I was sitting at my dining room table with my friend’s half eaten cake in front of me while my friend Jake and I bantered about something stupid. You know how alcohol impaires judgement? Well, I decided that cake was TOTALLY Atkins-friendly IF I removed the icing. No idea where that came from, but it made perfect sense to me. Jake and I peeled back the layers of frosting with our fingers while I ate the white cake underneath. It was really funny at the time…. until I puked. Lesson learned: Don’t drink and eat cake.

Anyway, here’s recap of some things from this week I’d love if you’d check out:

• I’m giving away a pair of eloquii by The Limited jeans for the low cost of a tweet! Enter by Tuesday at 5pm EST for your chance to win.
• There is a new plus size activewear line called AdoraOm. You all know how much I long for great fitting activewear.
• On the ENELL blog, I covered Running and Yoga
• Also on the ENELL blog, I share a story of regret from missing a 5k this week.
• I shared my recipe for sauteed cabbage – very yummy.
• I was reminded that I need to experience life more.

Feel free to share one of your posts in the comments below!

This whole getting healthy thing can wear on you. The eating and exercise is fine, but my complete lack of energy combined with high stress and anxiety means that my whole being feels out of whack. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel 100 times better than I did at 455 pounds, but to go week after week, month after month of the scale sticking its tongue out at you is at times, infuriating.

This weight loss journey is much more than the scale. It’s about health. So far in my efforts, I’ve tried to get as much professional help as possible. Sometimes it helps, others it doesn’t.

• Trainer Rob helped from the personal training aspect- he made sure I didn’t get hurt and helped me back to fitness
• Trainers Jim and Molly now help me and make sure I’m exercising effectively and don’t get hurt
• Nutritionist Tina got me hooked up to a calorimeter and asking myself questions about why I was eating food
• My primary care physician gave me the normal battery of blood tests and declared me “normal”
• My therapist talks to me about how to manage my anxiety and put the past behind me
• My psychiatrist makes sure that my medications for anxiety, insomnia, and depression are doing what they are supposed to
• My specialist doc recently did a lot of blood tests and pulled me off beef and eggs.
• She also ordered a one day hormone test, which I did yesterday. I got to spit into 6 tubes throughout the day. Do you know how hard it is to produce 3ml of saliva at a time? Hard. #drymouth
• Tonight, as we delve deeper into what is going on with my body, I get to have this stranger in my bed:

You wish you were this cool.

An at-home sleep study for 2 nights. Aye. Whatever it takes though, in the name of breaking this damn stall and getting some energy back. I go back in for results of blood + saliva + sleep the week after Thanksgiving. Can’t get here soon enough. Can I tell you how badly I hope something IS wrong, and that it’s treatable? Otherwise, I’ve got nothing.

In the past, this kind of stall would have derailed me almost instantaneously. The whole question of “why am I even putting myself through this?” question would tell me to sit my ass back down on the recliner and open up a bag of chips. The fact of the matter is, that would be putting myself through much more stress, exhaustion, and anxiety than a healthy lifestyle causes.

So bring on the docs and experts. I’m here to be poked and prodded (not in a nasty way, y’all!) so I can figure this out and get back to my weight loss ninja ways.

Have you consulted different physicians during your weight loss efforts?

I don’t know about anyone else, but the days go by too fast for my liking! Especially the weekends.

Anyway, one of the big questions I get quite frequently is “what is your advice for people who are trying to lose weight?” I found something on Pinterest (of course) that totally summarizes my answer:

All too often, we wait for the perfect situation before making a big change. If you want to change to living a healthier life, nothing is ever going to be perfect for it. The grocery gods won’t rain down organic greens on your head. The gym won’t have a free membership with a chauffeured car to take you to and fro. Your kids won’t magically be able to watch themselves and not need you morning, noon, and night.

Take the life that you have NOW and make the changes you need to meet your next goal. Stop waiting. Start doing.

Can you identify with this?

How in the world is it Friday night already?! This week FLEW by. I’m tired, so here we go with incomplete sentences:

• Thank you SO SO SO much for your comments on my Biggest Loser vlog. Really got much more reaction than I thought it would.
• Are you following my ramblings over on the ENELL blog? It’s not all about sports bras, promise! Here are some of my favorite recent posts:Looks don’t make you a runner; Were you ever a “before?”; Music for the (Shoe) Sole
• This week, I met with a new (to me) doctor. We’re playing hardball investigators trying to figure out why I can’t lose a single pound. Lots of tests. LOTS. Will post more about this later when I have some more answers.
• This weekend is the Walk from Obesity in Indianapolis. Yay! If for some reason you missed this memo and are near Indy and want to meet up with some of us for dinner Saturday night, email me at emmie (at) skinnyemmie (dot) com ASAP and include your cell phone number. I don’t really pre-prepare speeches word-for-word, but my yammering will have something to do with this:

I hope everyone has a great weekend! Would love to hear what you’re up to.

Hi friends.

Based on emails I got over the weekend, I think I worried some people with my last post. I definitely didn’t mean to do that – I was just trying to write out what was in my head at the time. Identifying feelings and working my way through them is crucial to me figuring out how to have a healthy body, mind, and spirit. I’m an oversharing blogger, and my transparency sometimes appears on the blog. Perhaps I need to control that, but I think what people like (and what I certainly like about reading other blogs) is honesty. I’ve tried for too long to hide what I felt like, so the time for embracing it is now!

image via Pinterest

Want more transparency? Here it goes!

When the past couple of Monday’s have come around, I’ve been a little insecure. My mind says: “You’re a weight loss blogger, you must show you lost weight this week.” My body doesn’t show the loss. Then it goes to “no one is going to read your blog anymore if you don’t lose weight.”

Snap to today. Monday. No weight loss to report.

I know my body better than anyone else. I know the work that I have been putting in with workouts and with Paleo eating. I also know that I’m fighting the insomnia demon and have had issues with controlling my stress (as you read this weekend). Some of it is valid stress and some of it is self imposed. The whole “OMG I have to do what everyone expects of me all the time and I can’t take a break or breathe for two seconds sheesh” syndrome. Technical term of course.

Thankfully today I was calm. I got a lot of work done and things checked off my to-do list. I efficiently used my time and my brain was firing on all cylinders. So just a reminder for all who suffer from these same perfectionist, ridiculous tendencies:

• Be yourself
• Treat yourself well
• Breathe
• Learn to say no
• Be thankful

So, the scale isn’t moving, but my mind is slowly moving towards healthy. The weight loss will be an after-effect of all of the other work I’m doing. Have a great week. xoxo

The more I share, the more I find people who seem to find some value in what I am saying. While that’s great, what you all help me most with is realizing that I’m not the only one out there that feels this way.

This week, I’ve struggled with peace. If you’ve read my blog before, you might have read about my anxiety and depression. This week, it wasn’t so much that either were out of hand, it was just that my mind was misfiring. My stress responses were up – everything seemed like such a big deal, yet some weeks these same things would have not caused any stress. My sleep was poor (which isn’t anything new, but this week I felt it more). This resulted in just feeling overwhelmed.

My mind likes to work non-stop, and just goes on and on and on until I’ve got a headache at all of the ideas or yelling that my brain is doing. This week, it was shouting at me for some reason.

Some of you read my guest post over at MizFit’s blog, and it sounded so clear and focused. It was written in a moment of clarity a few weeks ago, and even though I wrote it, I read it today with very different lenses on – the lenses of someone unsure, unconfident, tired and emotionally drained. I didn’t make poor eating or exercise decisions this week, so no worries there, but my restless mind created discourse in my brain.

image via pinterest

I am rambling because I realize that you can’t have it one way or the other all the time. There are peaks and valleys. While the stress I write of here on this particular day isn’t directly tied to weight loss, it is so similar. No 2 days or even 2 hours might be perfect. The struggle to make everything perfect is something that is a losing battle.

So tonight, I’m going to sleep hoping to wake up tomorrow with a little less noise in my head, and the feeling of peace, not the struggle for perfection.

I don’t like to think of myself as materialistic, but there are things I want. As a plus size fashion blogger, I want clothes (or accessories or makeup…) I also want my house to look nice, my yard to be mowed, to have friends, to have a strong marriage.

You may be thinking, “duh.”

For all of these “wants” I have to do something in order to get them. If I want clothes, I have to work to make the money to buy them. If I want my house to look nice, I must work to keep it tidy and decorated. If I want my yard mowed, I have to work at making my husband go outside (totally kidding… sortof). If I want to have friends, I have to work at keeping them and staying in touch. If I want to have a strong marriage, I have to work at being a good communicator.

For everything I want, I have to work. It’s not like being a child and saying “I want a Cabbage Patch doll” and just getting it without working for it. Sidenote: I think my mom fought for my Cabbage Patch doll and won. Score.

I’ve said this before and I’ll continue to say it: if I want to live a healthy lifestyle, I have to work for it.

image via pinterest

There have been plenty of times in my past where I fantasized about being thin or being an athlete. I think I WANT it so badly, but when I don’t GET it, it’s awful. In every one of those instances, I haven’t worked for it. Or, if I worked for it, it was only for a short period of time.

For you to get what you want, you have to work: you must be committed and consistent.

Are you too caught up in wanting something that you are ignoring the fact that you have to work for it? I know I’m not the only one!

Once again it is Sunday night and I’m wondering where the heck my weekend went. Dang.

Anyway, just a quick note tonight.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terror attacks. I am not going to write a long post about it because no matter what I wrote, it wouldn’t be eloquent or reverent enough to convey the deep pain the attacks had on me as an American, us as a country, and even the world. I would also not be able to describe the gratitude for the first responders and those who have fought for our country since then. I could never imagine the grief of the families who lost loved ones, nor can I say enough about my admiration for their resilience as they allow the nation to grieve with them. I wish for unity, peace, and community for the world every day. Hate destroys, love builds.

No graceful way to jump out of that topic, so insert awkward pause here for me to go on to totally less important things…

Tonight, I made a paleo peach cobbler. I was craving something dessert-like for a couple of days, so I tried to cook (laugh all you want) to find a suitable solution. I found a recipe from Everyday Paleo for blackberry cobbler, and subbed peaches because I had a lot on hand from the Farmer’s Market.

My lazy instructions: peel and cut up fresh peaches. I did maybe 6? I mixed them with 1 egg, 1/4 cup of unsweetened apple sauce, lots of cinnamon and a splash of coconut milk. Poured it into a casserole dish. Drizzled a little raw honey on it, but tried to limit it (hence the reason I added the unsweetened apple sauce). For the crust, I mixed 1 cup almond flour (it’s all I had left), cinnamon, 2 tbs. coconut oil and 1 egg. It was clumpy, and I just spread with my fingers over the peach mix. Baked on 350 degrees for 35 minutes. Serve warm – pour coconut milk over it if desired.

This photo is titled: why Emmie is not a food blogger

Nom nom!

Yummo! I didn’t burn the house down and I made something yummy. Victory.

Last, but not least, I wanted to share some links for this week. I’m a blogging fool all over the internet!

• ENELL blog: Fall fitness
• ENELL blog: The buddy system
• ENELL blog: Motivation
• Emmie Loves blog: ideeli alert: plus size perfection
• Emmie Loves blog: Geeking Out: Macy’s HER Catalog

It’s really late and I’m headed to bed, but wanted to write this little note as a reminder to myself.

Today, I had on my calendar that I needed to go to workout at 10am at J&M Strength and Conditioning. I knew I should go at 10am. Technically, I could go at the 2nd session at noon.

I hit snooze on my alarm 3 times today. I laid in bed staring at the ceiling while my brain worked out all the justifications not to get up.

I have a headache. Working out won’t make it better. (I really didn’t have a bad headache)

I should just lay here some more. I can just go at noon. (I knew I wasn’t going back to sleep, and knew that I would kick myself for not just going earlier.)

Oh look, I’ve laid here so long that I might be late if traffic is bad. (If it took me 40 minutes to get there… it normally takes 15-20.)

You get the point, right?

I had a millisecond of spark, so I rolled out of bed, threw on my clothes, grabbed my water and a Larabar to eat on the way.

Then I sat.

I sat in my car.

I didn’t turn the car on, I just sat there in zombie mode going through the same conversation I had while I was laying in bed.

I think I sat there for about 5 minutes. It’s like my psyche was trying to delay me enough to decide I would be late and to just go back inside and watch tv.

Another millisecond of spark happened and I finally left the garage… in my car, on the way to the gym.

word

As soon as I got there, I was like: “damn, I could have just slept through this – how dumb would that have been!?”

Woo, workout done, feeling great!

September 10, 2011 10:00 am via TweetCaster for AndroidReplyRetweetFavorite

@skinnyemmie

Emily Sandford

Afterwards, I felt great. I rolled the windows down in my car and drove home, soaking in the fresh fall air. I got home, got showered, and got on with my day. Done and done.

The good mood and healthy planning led to more good decisions for the day:

Off to a dinner with the in laws. Taking my own meal to avoid temptation.

September 10, 2011 4:11 pm via TweetCaster for AndroidReplyRetweetFavorite

@skinnyemmie

Emily Sandford

So I’m patting myself on the back tonight and feel great for finding the little spark I needed to do what I knew needed to be done.

Anyone else experience this lately? Any tricks on getting yourself to the gym when you don’t want to go?

(Ok, so I was never really gone.)

Over the past few weeks I’ve been bummed. Major bummed. Between having to wear the boot to my crazy inner ear infections and vertigo on top of a more hectic schedule, I was plumb worn out. The couple of weeks or so I really noticed lazy habits coming back to surface. I grabbed convenience foods, ate out more, didn’t prepare nearly the number of meals I had been, wasn’t getting enough protein, starting to gravitate towards sweets, etc. My spark was fading fast.

I unplugged for most of the weekend to see the sun and figure out where to go from here. Those of you on my Facebook page gave me a major self-confidence boost when I posted this picture from Friday:

Friday after lunch with my friend Amber. Kiyonna top, Calvin Klein Jeans, Alesya bag

Friday evening, I sent in an order for some local meat for me to pick up at the Sunday farmers market. Small, but proactive step!

Saturday, my lovely friend Amber took me out on her boat at a local lake. I desperately needed the sun and a smile on my face. Thankfully, this little jaunt accomplished both:

Not the most flattering of photos, but I was so darn happy, I don't care.

Hubs and I went to sleep at the cracking hour of 9:30pm on Saturday! Today (Sunday) we headed out to grab breakfast and hit up the farmers market so I could pick up the meat I ordered, as well as lots of peaches, okra, tomatoes and onions.

I mapped out my plan for the week, made a grocery list of everything else I needed, and went to the grocery (a task I’m known to HATE). Then, I tried to plan ahead by preparing some foods in advance of the week as my friend Alan does.

chicken with EVOO, and under the skin is onions, garlic, rosemary, salt and pepper (I don't eat the skin)

egg cups: eggs, tomatoes, onions, basil, salt, pepper

sweet potato hash: grated sweet potato, grated apple, chopped sweet onion, sea salt, cinnamon

I also chopped up a watermelon and cantaloupe for grab-and-go snacking if I needed. I had a few more things I wanted to prepare, but a) I’m the laziest cook ever and was cooked-out; b) I was too busy eating a crap-ton of watermelon to remember what I was supposed to be doing.

Tomorrow morning I head to the orthopedist to get the all-clear to be officially boot-free. I have zero pain whatsoever, and am ready to get it crack-a-lackin with my workouts. The inner ears are still giving me a little bit of vertigo, but I feel 100 times better than I did a week ago.

I’ve got 3 workouts on the calendar this week with Jim and Molly of J&M Strength and Conditioning and will make sure to walk or swim at least 2 other days during the week. I really want my ears to clear up so I feel better about getting back in the water (with earplugs, of course). Last week, I did 1 of Jim and Molly’s sessions, and my legs hurt for 2 days afterwards! I think a combo of it being a different type of workout than I’m used to plus having been on my rear for 6 weeks made it worse. Aye, it hurt!

So, meals and workouts planned for the week. Hooray!

Do you pre-plan for the week ahead? Any tips on how I can keep myself this organized?

Here’s a quick and dirty post from me tonight in bullet point form, because that’s all my brain is capable of handling right now.

• Literally EVERY TIME I turned the car on today, Lady Gaga’s “You & I” was on the radio. Creepy. Good thing I love that song.
• The boot has come off. Well, not officially. You see, one of the 3 straps broke and it’s not comfortable to wear it without it. I haven’t had pain in my foot for over 2 weeks. So I took the boot off. I go to the doctor Monday to give me the final OK.
• I am making my way back to the living with slightly eased vertigo. Yippee!
• Trainer Rob is no more *sad face.* Darn awesome career opportunities (but hooray for him)! So, I’m trying something new. Read about it over on the ENELL blog. My legs feel like jello. More details to come at a later date.
• I’m retaining a good bit of water in my legs lately. Between that and my scale frustrations, I might not weigh in for a couple of weeks for fear of going bonkers.
• I am incredibly honored to be on the list of Top 50 Most Inspiring Healthy Tweeps. Seriously, the names on there are of some of my favorite bloggers on the planet. I’ve shared my discomfort with the word “inspirational” to describe me, but this still makes me uber-happy. You can currently vote on most inspirational here through August 31. Thankfully, you can vote for up to 10 people, because goodness knows I can’t pick just one!

I hope you’re having a great week! xoxo

I just took another few minutes to re-read the comments I got from the post where I questioned what I would think if the scale never moved from this number. Everyone was so insightful, and that is why I am incredibly thankful for this place where I can just lay everything out in the open and have someone give a damn. Powerful.

A combination of comments made me realize what I’ve been struggling with: I want to accept myself now, but still work towards continuing the weight loss. If I feel like I’m working hard to change my weight, then how is that being accepting of myself?

Oftentimes, we tend to be our harshest critics. I tend to be very black and white about myself. Did I do the best? It’s yes or no… not “you did well enough.” Did I lose weight this week? Yes or no… not “nope, but you still kick ass.”

To get what I want out of life, I must learn to both accept and challenge myself. I want to reiterate to those who might have been afraid of me quitting this journey – it has never crossed my mind.

I could aim for a 200, 225 or 250 pound loss goal. Each healthy decision I make with this body, which is strong just as it is, will help me get there. It might take more months or years than I would like, but hopefully a few of you will continue to hang out with me as I continue this adventure!

Onward and downward!

Pinterest

Happy birthday mom. I wish you were still here so I could wish it to you in person and give you a big hug.

Remember that time I put together a bad homemade “surprise party” when you turned 36? I put streamers and balloons on the door and made a big sign that said “36″ on it and invited your friend from next door over. You were so embarassed. Could you imagine what I would do to you now with 19 more years of experience? You always gave us the best birthday parties – I wish I could give you one just as awesome.

I wish I could have done more for you. I am so thankful for you. I miss you. I love you.

This frustrated mind of mine has been very loud this weekend, when not being distracted by my awful ear infections and vertigo that have me feeling drunk on top of a hangover with a headache that won’t stop. Between my boot (still in for 1 more week), my ear infections and vertigo, I am a non-exercising, overanalyzing mess of thoughts.

On Friday, I went to the doctor for the 2nd time in 2 weeks. Last time I went, I asked for blood tests just to get a quick read on how things are performing within my body. My pulse and blood pressure have been excellent in my past 5 months of doctor visits, but I was curious about other things as well. The doctor had the results but hadn’t reviewed them yet, however he pulled them up and sorted through them and declared “you’re perfectly healthy!”

Me: “Well, what about my cholesterol?”
Him: “Why are you worried about your cholesterol? Did your parents have high cholesterol?
Me: “No, I just wanted to make sure it was okay since I’m over 300 pounds.”
Him: “Of course it’s okay – everything is completely normal with you – very good results.”
Me: “You say ‘normal’ like it’s nothing. How can somoene over 300 pounds be normal?”
Him: “Why not? You are taking care of yourself – why can’t you be normal?”
Me: “Huh.”

image via Tobo on Flickr

So hooray for normal. But this had me thinking.

Between the past few months of stalls, eating frustrations, workout frustrations, and the scale being a complete bitch (pardon me), I wonder: “What if this is it? I stay this weight forever?”

How would I feel if I still exercised regularly and ate well, yet didn’t lose a single more pound. Would I be okay with this?

Part of me that is trying to remain positive says “you’re healthy, girl! That’s all that matters. Accept your health at any size, because you really are healthy!”

The other part goes “Hell no, screw that! You can’t stay this weight and be a success. You need to figure out what is wrong and fix it, now.”

So, that is where my brain is at. It’s a literal dizzy (vertigo) mess of yelling at itself. Throw in this past weekend’s eating incidents and the yelling inside my head is deafening.

I’m going to keep pushing on, but would be curious of your thoughts on this.

Note: This is a guest post from my friend Catherine. She and a group of wonderful people are participating in The Bourbon Chase – a 200 mile relay race across Kentucky bourbon country. They are raising $5,000 for the National Hospice Foundation. As some of you know, I lost my mom too soon in life, and did my half marathon to raise money for Parkinson’s Disease research. As I heard the team’s personal stories of their experiences with Hospice, I had to share their message here with my generous friends.

Ahem. Well, um hello there. To those of you expecting to read about the many adventures of Skinny Emmie, I apologize for the interruption. To Emily, I send my heartfelt thanks for letting me guest blog about something so very near and dear to me.

First, an introduction. My name is Catherine Hayden and as my Twitter description says, I am a font nerd (graphic designer), wannabe runner (cheaper than therapy, it’s true) and mom of 10-year old twin boys (why I need therapy). I am also an only child still grieving the death of my mother last summer.

My mom spent her final days in the gentle hands of Hospice of the Bluegrass here in Lexington. The care and compassion they showed to her, all of us really, are beyond compare. From the beginning to the end she was treated with respect, dignity and kindness even though she knew nothing of it. No one came into her room without first asking if I needed anything. No request went unanswered.

The family across the hall from Mom brought in the cutest bulldog pup to visit their family member. How cool is that? If Mom had been aware at the time, I know she would have loved to see her cat. I could have brought a cat into the hospital. For real. That’s just unbelievable. My mom loved that cat. And the cat loved her. Only her. So I wouldn’t have brought the cat because I enjoy having skin on my arms, but in theory I COULD have brought the cat to visit.

Hospice’s care and outreach didn’t end when my mom died either. I’m still struggling with knowing she won’t be there when my boys graduate high school or get married. I struggle daily knowing I can’t call her on my way home from work like I used to. I can’t share the small moments of my day with her. I can’t tell her about the things my boys, her only grandchildren, have done – good (getting the most Reading Counts points in the entire school while in the fourth grade) or bad (sticking Legos up his nose, also in the fourth grade). But thanks to the counseling services offered to me, free of charge, by Hospice, I did make it through this year of firsts – first Christmas, first birthday, first Mother’s Day without my mom, better than I ever imagined I could in those dark days last summer.

That is why when some friends told me they had formed a charity team for the Bourbon Chase, which will raise $5000 for the National Hospice Foundation I was all in. Run right along some country roads, rather than the bike lanes and sidewalks I’m used to? Sure! Alone? Ok! At night? Sign me up!

If you see me, I’ll be the one wearing my “in memory of” shirt and most likely crying when I cross the finish – partly from exhaustion and partly from joy and pride in knowing I am helping give back to those who gave so much to me.

But enough about me. This is a team effort all the way. Here are the rest of the team members and their thoughts about Hospice.

Prim Wathen

I’m running in memory of my grandmother – Noonie. The care she received through Hospice of the Bluegrass was wonderful. They made her feel at ease and with little pain. Knowing that she died in peace gave us peace. Thank you Hospice of the Bluegrass!

Erin Holaday

While my family and I have been fortunate in not having to use the National Hospice Foundation’s bereavement or end-of-life services, I felt a special pull towards the NHF effort and joining the Bourbon Chase team, because my husband’s grandparents, who I see as my own, use the in-home respite care of the Hospice of the Bluegrass regularly for grandma. The trust that my family has in their work, as well as the organization’s personal and community support, is unmatched.

I have never participated in a relay like the Bourbon Chase before, but a great fundraising goal and an enthusiastic team is all that I need to see this 24-hour race through!

Amy Jones 

I felt like I knew a lot about Hospice because a friend of mine (team member Amy Brin) works for Hospice and a coworker (team member Catherine Hayden) shared about her mom being in Hospice care last year. However, I had never been in the physical presence of Hospice until one of my best friend’s (team member Stephen Barnett) grandmother was moved to the inpatient unit at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Lexington.  I remember going in, preparing myself for what I was about to see.  I mentally prepared myself for sadness and discomfort.  What I experienced was the most peaceful, comforting feeling as I saw his grandma, who was kind of like a second grandma to me, resting comfortably in her last days surrounded by family and friends who celebrated her life by being with her as she was dying.

While it was sad saying good-bye, the experience made me think of death in a completely different light. Every person should have that opportunity as they leave this world for the next; no matter what kind of insurance they have or how much money they can spend.  It makes me feel good that by running this relay with teammates and friends who have been personally touched by this amazing organization, I can play a small part in helping Hospice provide this dignified, compassionate, and comforting service for everyone’s loved ones in the future.

Tony Jackson

I’m running the Bourbon Chase Relay on behalf of the National Hospice Foundation for my great grandmother Lillie.  She was in a hospice care facility most of 2010 and passed away last November.  We couldn’t have asked for a better situation for her.  The folks at the facility treated her with the utmost respect and listened to our wants and needs.  I’m very thankful she was able to spend her last days in such a caring environment.

Amy Brin

Hospice brought me back to life. I was so shut down and immune to life after my dad died. A laugh felt foreign. I worried myself when I couldn’t get excited about a trip to Hawaii.

My journey with hospice started when I spotted a flyer advertising a bereavement group for young adults who have lost parents. I joined the group the following week, and began to rejoin the living. I began to laugh again.

When I got on the other side of my grief, I felt invincible. I had survived and would continue to survive my greatest fear; being without my father. My invincibility – while insatiable - caused me to think what, if anything, could I fear now. The answer came to me swiftly and immediately – as all truths do – the death of a child. And in that moment, was when I discovered my life’s calling – to serve those that know my greatest fear as their own.

Now, as a hospice nurse practitioner, I walk daily with children facing the end of their lives. I get to work alongside families who are faced with the knowledge that they will know life without their child. I am privileged to be flanked with nurses, social workers, nursing assistants and chaplains armed with skill and passion to serve these children and families during the most tender of times. I am now on the hospice side of giving.

My hospice experience has come full circle; for with what I received I am now fortunate to give. It is through this experience that I have learned so many truths; so many about people and life; but even about hospice itself. Hospice – the actual service of hospice – does for everyone what it did for me. It guides one through what one fears; whether the fear is death, disfigurement, loneliness, or the unknown.

Fear, like death, will always be. Hospice, like life, hopes to always be more.

Molly Dabney

I am running for my aunt Kathy who passed away from lung cancer 2 years ago.  By the time we found out she was sick her cancer had spread to her brain and her goal was to make it to her 60th birthday, which was almost a year away at that point.  She fought hard to make it to that day and ended up passing away just days after celebrating her birthday.  I know without the help of hospice and the exceptional care that she received she wouldn’t have been able to see her birthday.  I will always be grateful to the hospice team who helped out our family in such a difficult time in our lives.

Our other team members (you’ll hear from them later on) are Patrick Barker, Stephen Barnett, Shelley Duncklee, John Dixon, Holly Eubel.

If you would like more information about the Bourbon Chase, please check out their website at http://bourbonchase.com/. There is a great video on there that gives me chills each time I watch it. It’s good stuff for sure.

And now, the main reason for this post- the ask. As a charity team, we don’t have to pay an entry fee for the race because we agreed to raise $5000 for the National Hospice Foundation.  We’re off to a good start, but we aren’t to our goal just yet. We would be delighted if you would visit our fundraising page at http://www.active.com/donate/runtoremember2011/lwathen1 and make a donation. We promise to do you proud!

If you would like to keep up with us, our training, our many adventures, and even what is happening during the actual race, please check out our blog at http://nickryansridgerunners.wordpress.com/

So, to Emily, thanks again for offering up your space here. To my fellow teammates, run like the wind. To my mom, I’ll see you at the finish line.

A week (or two?) ago, the lovely Beth from Beth’s Journey tagged me in her Seven Links post. I normally don’t do these sort of tag-along posts just because of time restrictions, but I really have enjoyed these posts as they’ve been floating around the blogosphere.

THE GOAL: To unite bloggers in a joint endeavor to share lessons learned and create a bank of long, but not forgotten, blog posts that deserve to see the light of day again.

THE RULES

1. Blogger is nominated to take part
2. Blogger publishes his/her 7 links on his/her blog – 1 link for each category
3. Blogger nominates up to 5 more bloggers to take part
4. These bloggers publish their 7 links and nominate 5 more bloggers
5. And so it goes on!

Link 1: Most Beautiful
I’m not sure what really constitutes “most beautiful,” but for me, I’m thinking of this as a post where I had some sort of breakthrough or aha moment. That would be Fativersary, where I realized it was the anniversary of being at my highest weight ever.

Link 2: Most Popular
My post popular post, traffic wise, is my review of Just Dance 2. I still get comments today about this post from October 2010. Apparently I’m ranking in some Google searches for this, so I attribute the traffic to that – it surely isn’t due to my stellar dance moves I filmed! My most popular personal post (non product or giveaway related), is Fattie Gets Fit, which kills me because I really think it’s spelled “Fatty.” Not that it matters – it’s one of my favorite posts as well, so I’m glad people like it. I threw down the exercise gauntlet!

Link 3: Most Controversial
I am not one to rock the boat, and thankfully I can’t think of any controversial posts. I will say that I expected my Skinny Emmie: Exposed post to garner some controversy. Some really large girl showing off her belly and proclaiming how awesome it is? Yeah, never thought that would fly by without negative attention!

Link 4: Most Helpful
This isn’t super helpful as far as giving steps to do something, but the personal emails I got as a response to this really made me feel like I was helping. Mental Matters is where I shared more of my experiences with anxiety and depression.

Link 5: Surprise Success
This would have to be my post on Spaghetti Squash. I had no idea it would be so popular because I felt like I was the last person on the planet to know how to prepare spaghetti squash. I seriously ate spaghetti squash for about 2 months straight (every other day) after this post!

Link 6: Not Enough Attention
I have major self-love for my Fat Camp Follies posts. These are some of the first posts I wrote, and I just personally love re-living the memories and giving a perspective into what it was really like there. It’s a series, and there are quite a few, so I know it’s a lot to get through.

• Fat Camp Follies: A Primer
• Why Fat Camp?
• Arrival and Setting the Scenery
• 100 Shades of Red
• Pop Star
• Sneakin’ Around Part 1
• Sneakin’ Around Part 2
• Like a Moth to a Flame
• A blog is like fat camp
• Fat Camp Follies: Bathing Beauty

Link 7: Most Proud
Right now, I’m most proud of my 100 Pounds of Lessons post. Hitting the 100 pound mark was incredible, and I loved the reflection that this post provided. It was like a party to write, just without the confetti.

Apparently I’m a rule-breaker because I’m not going to tag other bloggers to continue this chain. I know many have already done it, and I don’t want to pressure others into doing so. If you do one, I would love if you’d post the link in the comments so I can check it out!

Any of these posts new to you? Did I leave something out? Did you write one of these posts? Leave a link in the comments!

Stalled. People are watching. Standing on the stage as a source of light when all of a sudden the electricity fails. Darkness comes yet the audience can still see. Unable to move. I want to close the curtain.

Days, weeks and months pass by – walking, running, stumbling – yet getting no closer to the light. Memories of failed attempts and deep seeded doubt brings a flood to my eyes. The burning of the tears is much more painful than the burn of muscles in the gym or feet during a half marathon.

Whites of eyes red, cheeks stained with years of pain. A mind riding the roller coaster within, hanging on until the wheels stop.

Inhale.

A moment of clarity. The fog begins to lift and reminders of joy start to invade the empty space. The tears of the past have made way for reminders of success. I remember that I am strong. I remember that I am brave. I remember that I am proud. I remember that I’m healthy.

Alive.

Today is one of many. My life is not measured in pounds, but in living. Laughing. Loving. Experiencing. Embracing. With all that I’ve done, I can see how much farther I can go. Limitless. Weightless.

I now go with intent.

Pinterest

The boot is frustrating the heck out of me, and I’m not even through 5 days of wearing it! You know how you always want what you can’t have? Well, since the boot has gone on, I now want to run and leap, in spite of the fact that I have never been super fond of running or leaping. It’s like in the 80′s where all the cool girls had perms and as soon as you got one, you wanted your straight hair back. Hindsight now tells me that a half Chinese girl with a spiral perm and bangs isn’t a great look.

But I digress. 

I’ve tried to think of things I can do so I can continue this fitness momentum. The thing it seems that everyone has suggested is swimming.

I used to be a swimmer back from the ages of 6-17. When I first started my Skinny Emmie fitness journey, I posted a video of me swimming laps at the pool as a way to ease back into exercise. A few months ago, I crossed off something from my wish list and swam 1 mile. Yesterday, I made it back to the pool and did a workout despite my boot. Hurrah.

So, swimming it is. And hopefully some Bikram yoga (although I won’t be able to do several of the poses). And core and arm strengthening.

Over the weekend, while in my super reflective mood, I re-watched some home videos I recently had converted to DVD (I can’t recommend Southtree enough). I was searching for my mom’s voice. For those who don’t know, when my mom died, she couldn’t really speak and her speech was blurred and mumbled for years before her passing due to Parkinson’s Disease. As a result, I haven’t been able to remember her voice. I can hear her frustration in her tone as she tried to get her words out, but not the voice that I wanted to remember. While searching for her voice on the DVDs, I found some video of me from a swim meet back in the late 80s or early 90s. I was probably about 10 here.

Not only was this video just fun to watch because it started making me excited for swimming again, but also because I found my mom’s voice on it – and on another short clip of video on the same DVD. You won’t be able to hear it, but her syrupy sweet Georgian drawl quietly says “Go Emily” underneath the screams of other swim team pals.

So swimming – you’re going to help me get my mojo back. I now have my mom’s voice to cheer me on.

Do you swim for exercise? Any swimming sets you would recommend for me to do to push myself? Or if you’re not a swimmer, I’d love to hear about an activity you did as a kid that you’d like to take up again!

Welcome to edition #33252 of Emmie’s ramblings.

1. I did a little interview over at Brooklyn Fit Chick’s blog – go check it out here. I’ll wait until you get back…
2. While exploring some more through my past photos and journals, I found the complete opposite of my 15 year old selfI blogged about yesterday. I found a photo of me that I honestly don’t remember, from 2003, and I must have been over 450 pounds at this point. I’m thankful for this reminder of how far I’ve come.
   

   no idea why the red-eye reduction fogged up my eyes in the right hand photo

3. I’ve tracked all of my food for over 7 days now. Again, my goal isn’t to restrict foods right now, it’s just to account and recognize exactly what I’m eating throughout the day.
4. I haven’t talked about this lately because there hasn’t been much to say. In April when I did the half-marathon (and even during training), I had major arch pain and inside ankle pain. Podiatrist said it was just overuse, and to wear my spiffy insoles and it would get better. Fast forward 3 months and the pain is still just as bad as it was then. Went to my orthopedist last week, who did xrays and determined nothing was broken, but thought something was wrong with the tendon – I couldn’t do the movements he asked me to do on it. I had MRIs done on Friday, and let me tell you – I CANNOT stay still! That was torture! Went back to orthopedist today who confirmed it is a torn and inflammed tendon on the inside of my left ankle. I’m no wuss around shots, but the nasty one I had to get in the tendon today was a mother! Aye. I also now have a lovely new accessory:
   
   Me and my new (and very styling) immobilizing boot will be besties for the next 6 weeks. I know you’re super jealous. So what does this mean for my workouts? No cardio machines (the bike with the push/pull and point/flex of the foot isn’t even good), no strength training in the lower part of my body. Major suckage. I can swim, and it’s possible I can continue my Bikram as long as I eliminate things like awkward pose and any weight bearing poses that balance on the left leg. I have to play that one by how it feels. I can also do weight training on my upper body and core, as long as no movement of the foot is necessary. The shot should provide pain relief for the entire period while in the boot, so hopefully that will help. If it’s still not better after the 6 weeks, surgery may be required. Now THAT would be suckage.

   I’m trying to look on the bright side: “How did you get your injury” one may ask…

   “Doing a half marathon” (said with a bad ass smirk)

   At least it makes me feel a tiny bit hardcore.  :)

Just a few random notes tonight, after a long day. Getting to bed as soon as I hit “publish” so I can get a good nights sleep.

Here’s a great reminder:

image via Pinterest

FitBloggin’ Local Meetup Nashville this Saturday! We’ve got a full day of informal fitness, networking and content. Full agenda here. Please RSVP ASAP so we can get a solid number of attendees!

Last, I love hearing all your goals for the rest of the year! Please continue to post them here. We can all do it! (this is where I wish I could shake some virtual pom-poms)

xoxo,

Emmie

The numbers of progress aren’t always on the scale.

This week, I’ve been sick. Fever, shaky, dizzy, lightheaded. By the time I made it to the doctor yesterday, I had missed 2 days of work this week.

One thing that REALLY perked me up?

Pulse, 60. Blood pressure,112/72. Fat and fit blowing up stereotypes at the doctor's office!

June 23, 2011 10:48 am via TweetCaster for AndroidReplyRetweetFavorite

@skinnyemmie

Emily Sandford

Normal pulse is between 60-100. Normal blood pressure is less than 120/80. Look at me! This 300+ pound fit and fat girl really IS fit! Hot-cha-cha!

Turns out I have an inner ear infection which is causing vertigo. I apparently had some kind of bug that turned into an infection thus the fever and shaking. Antibiotics and taking it easy a few days will help.

So anyway, my quick reminder for Friday: there are other numbers besides the scale that can help you measure your progress. Because in the end, isn’t it all about health?