I tend to not be a controversial person. I stay pretty neutral on a lot of topics because I like to be well-versed in both sides before forming an opinion. That being said, the controversy this week regarding the Strong4Life campaign running in Georgia has really affected me. Billed as an anti-obesity campaign for children, the message of the ads is to “stop sugarcoating it, Georgia.” Here’s one that literally made my heart hurt.

I WAS that girl.

I was born in Augusta, Georgia, and lived there until I was about 12. I was always big. ALWAYS. Always taller, always plumper (seriously, look at the bottom left photo- my friend and I were the same age!). My round face, cheeks, and belly rarely escaped a photo. I think I had cellulite when I was 12. Appearances aside, however, I was as active as a child could be. Nearly every day after school I had jazz class, tennis practice, swim practice (was on an all-year league), and Brownies (the Girl Scout, not the food). My mom cooked everything at home, and it was pretty standard fare: baked chicken, broccoli, rice. Sometimes my dad would cook stir fry. We didn’t have junk in the house, and didn’t drink soda. I took my lunch to school most days, with a Thermos full of soup and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If I was lucky, I’d get a pudding snack pack.

I WAS that girl, but I didn’t know it.

This girl in the video will always know that something was so “wrong” with her that she was in an ad for it. A poster child for childhood obesity? What parent would sign up for their child to be that?

The one thing you can never get back in life is your innocence. Children are born unaware of hate, societal pressures, social norms, and unrealistic expectations. They only know love for their caregiver. As soon as people start pointing out differences, the innocence is lost. I distinctly remember when I realized that my dad was Chinese and my mom was white – they were different. I was about 8 years old and another Asian child at school said something about me having an Asian last name and Asian parent, but not looking like it. I was gobsmacked. Really? I’m half Chinese?

By no means am I saying that childhood obesity should remain unaddressed. I wish I had a solution for it, because I’d run around shouting it from the rooftops. As a formerly obese child, however, I have no idea what my parents could have done differently to instill different habits that would have made me smaller. I was extremely active, wasn’t eating junk, and had home cooked meals. My sister did the same things as I did and was always tiny. It’s just how it is. Don’t make me the poster child for poor health and poor food choices made by parents – that is 100% not the case.

This girl, and the others in the campaign, will have an entire life of knowing how different they are, and how wrong “society” thinks it is. It wasn’t until I was 14 that I started contemplating suicide over my appearance. I am so thankful that I was old enough at that time to reach out to someone for help. Thinking about a child any younger than that and the pressure, scrutiny, and shaming they might endure makes my heart ache.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Last year, I didn’t make a new years resolution. Due to having years of failed resolutions behind me, I don’t like making them because they are generally too specific, or too easy to throw out the window when something goes awry. The part that I do like about the new year is the renewed sense of energy and feeling of a clean slate that is inherent with the flip of the calendar year. That being said, I’m a firm believer that every day is a new day to make fresh changes. The anytime reset button is such a powerful, and underutilized tool.

That being said, I did want to make a conscious effort to think long and hard about what it is that I want – not just for this upcoming year, but for my life. Thinking beyond weight or size or athletic ability. Beyond career goals or accolades. Beyond wealth or material possessions.

The past year has been bumpy for me mentally, mostly because of the things happening to me physically. When looking back at it now (even though I’m still in the midst of it), I can see that there are a lot of lessons that are going to stick with me forever. I realized that I not only need to continue making changes physically so I can be healthier, I also need to change things mentally so the physical changes can occur. I can’t continue to operate my mind and body on overdrive all the time and live a balanced, healthy, happy life. It’s like I’ve been working to construct a concrete wall and then working like hell to bust it down.

Every year, blogger Chris Brogan challenges people to come up with their three words for the new year. These words should go beyond one-sided resolutions, and become the driver of actions over the entire year. I wanted to share with you my 3 words:

• Simplify. This was the first thing to come to mind when thinking about what I really need to do moving forward to help calm my Type A, overachieving personality. I overthink, and in the process, can make things 100 times harder on myself. In business school, I became a master of making grand plans with lots of detail and infinite ways to execute the plans to achieve the results I wanted. In some cases, that’s great to do, but most of the time, it creates complexity when there simply isn’t any to be had. With every project, goal, or interaction I have this year, I want to simplify. You don’t always have to have a detailed roadmap to get you going in the general direction of your dreams.
• Produce. This word is general and can be applied in so many different ways (which is why I love this “three words” concept). Overall, I want to be productive. It’s as simple as that! Some examples of this could be:  I want to continue producing content people like to read. I want to produce good work. I want to produce successful projects. I want to produce results in my health efforts. I want to produce opportunities for others to succeed. 
• Delight. I haven’t ever felt like a child. Even when I was young, I had an overwhelming sense of responsibility and don’t ever remember just being wild and free. I felt I had to act a certain way and couldn’t say certain things. When I was 12, I had babysitting jobs because parents though I was so responsible and much older than I was. I watched some home movies recently where my sister and I were opening Christmas presents and she had such carefree joy in the experience, and I looked like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn’t want her to cut herself using the scissors my mom handed over to cut the bow. I said the same cursory “thank you” to each gift, whereas her joy (or displeasure) was always transparent. Somewhere in time, being responsible turned in to meant not having fun. In the word “delight,” I want to spend more time with people who make me happy, and have experiences that are joyful. This doesn’t mean I’m going to run out and start seeking adventure. For example, last night I posted this on Facebook: “For a split second I wondered if it was lame that I’m staying at home this New Years Eve writing and looking at pretty things on Pinterest. Then I realized that it didn’t matter if it was lame – it makes me happy as a clam! Cheers!” 

I got this pretty new 2012 planner and inside each week, I’ve got my 3 words written. They are also now on my phone and laptop wallpaper. With these 3 words in hand, I know 2012 is going to be great.

Think about your three words for 2012, and look for my next post which will give you a place to share them, and perhaps win something! 

image credit

Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional, smarty pants, or anyone you should listen to for advice about your health. I am just sharing my experiences and chronicling my journey. 

image via looppi on Flickr

As most of you know, I’ve had trouble with my weight loss since finishing the half marathon in April. Exercise and food were good, yet nothing on the scale was changing. I’ve had increasing fatigue, stress and insomnia. I went to my general practitioner who did blood tests and declared me normal.

I’ve considered giving up, throwing a hissy fit, weight loss surgery, hiding under a blanket until 2012, and accepting that this is how things just are and I need to suck it up.

I felt like I was in an epic battle: Emmie head versus Emmie body. The WILL to do something without the ability to do so. I wasn’t ready to stop fighting, but I was just beating myself up.

I started working with J&M Strength and Conditioning, and Jim and Molly suggested Paleo, which is something I was familiar with from my Atkins days. I have been 80% Paleo for about 90 days now. My workouts have been cut back due to the stress and fatigue (see me talking with Jim about this here), and I started seeing a functional medicine doctor, Dr. Edwards with Balance Health and Wellness.

Over the past few months, I’ve chronicled my multiple tests ordered by Dr. Edwards, from blood to spit to sleep apnea. Today, I finally got back my results. I’m broken. Major.

• very low adrenal function
• non-detectible levels of testosterone
• vitamin D deficiency
• super low melatonin
• sleep apnea (only 84% oxygen saturation at night)
• low DHEA
• definite allergy to egg whites and yolks, slightly less with beef, and slight with pork
• super low cortisol levels

I’ve never been so happy to hear that I’m broken. I’ve wanted answers for so long, and for the first time in a long time, I see that there is a path to getting me feeling much, much better, and improving how my body functions. I’ve felt like a walking, stressed out, overtired zombie for months, and the thought of feeling “normal” is so exciting. I told Dr. Edwards “you have no idea how tired I’ve been” and she said “yes I do, I can see it right here!” and I had a eureka moment.

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be work involved. Step 1 is to get a CPAP machine for my sleep apnea, which makes me super depressed. I’ve lost over 110 pounds and per the hubs, stopped snoring, so I had no idea sleep apnea was still a concern. I’ll get the machine in the next week or so.

I’m also on weekly B-12 shots for a month, and am now taking several supplements like Omega 3, Vitamin D, and melatonin. I have my action plan and another appointment to evaluate next steps in 6 weeks.

So, here’s to being broken, and for having a plan to fix it

A couple of days ago, blogger/speaker/kickass motivator Danielle LaPorte shared a story that really summed up where my mind is right now. Go read it. Now. I’ll wait.

Isn’t that amazing? (You DID read it, right?!)

With weight loss, health, careers, parenthood, whatever – this rings true: you have to do the work to get to your goal. Do the work – period. No matter how hard or how much you have to sacrifice – if you REALLY want something, what are you willing to do about it?

This whole discussion reminds me of the rhetorical question: “Would you do ___ for a million dollars?” As a kid, it was things like “would you eat a booger for a million dollars?” (me: yes.) Now, it is about LIFE:

• Would you give up sugar so you can live a life with controlled diabetes?
• Would you give up television so you can use the time to become more healthy?
• Would you sell all of your possessions so you can travel the world?

Are you doing the work? What is 1 thing you can do NOW to get to your goal?

Happy happy happy! Orthopedist gave me the all-clear to get rid of the boot, so no more clunking around for me! Woot!

Today is a new day 1. As I mentioned last night, I have just been in a funk, somewhere stuck in-between full on motivation and oh-my-gosh-I-can’t-do-this. It’s okay to inhabit the in-between space for a little bit, but at one point, you need to pull your head out of your ass and figure out where to go.

So as you saw, I prepared foods, made my meal plans, and am planning on full steam ahead. I’m only looking forward 30 days. In the grand scheme of things, 30 days is nothing! It’s not a challenge to myself, or some kind of race I’m trying to win – I just want to focus on the “right now” instead of the “oh-my-gosh-I’ll-never-finish-this” place I was in.

I started training with Jim and Molly of J&M Strength and Conditioning. Today is my “official” day 1 (although I did one workout last week with them). I’m changing my foods somewhat, and trying to break out of the lazy ways that have found me the past 6 weeks or so. If you’ve read my blog before, you all know that I don’t like to talk about my food. Food is SO individual to the person, so what I like and do isn’t going to match what everyone else wants to do. Food is something everyone has opinions about, and I completely respect them. I did want to say that this 30 days of workouts with Jim and Molly will be accompanied by me eating Paleo, which is somewhat familiar to me due to my long history with Atkins and low-carb. I’m not going to get into the ins and outs of Paleo, I just wanted to let you know that it’s what I’m doing for right now, because obviously what I have been doing hasn’t worked!

Ok, enough rambling. Here’s a quick video of a part of the workout tonight with Jim and Molly. I’ve taken “before” photos and measurements, and this is my “before” video. Hoping some focus on non-scale progress will help my sourpuss attitude of late!

Here’s to the next 30 days!

EDIT: 9/16/11 – This event is come up so quickly! PLEASE leave a comment here or email me at emmie (at) skinnyemmie (dot) com if you want to join me. I am putting together a dinner for Friday 10/1, and would love to nosh and chat with anyone in the area. If you want to walk, please join my team using the link below. I will send out details and such pre-event. Yay!

I am really excited about this, so if there is an overabundance of exclamation points, I apologize in advance.

I am really honored that I am going to be the MC for the Walk from Obesity: Indianapolis event on Sunday, October 2 at Fort Harrison State Park. I will get to help welcome the walkers, present giveaways, and share my story.

If you are in the Indianapolis area, I would love if you would join me for either the 1 or 3 mile walk to help bring awareness to obesity issues. I have started my own team and would love if you would like to join. Full details about the event are here.

Can you join me? If so, leave a comment below. I would love to organize some sort of meet-up while I’m in town. To join my team, click here. You don’t have to fundraise if that’s not your cup of tea – simply come walk with me.

If you’re not in the area, but would like to contribute to the cause, you can do so here:

If I could do a cartwheel, I would (did you know I can do the splits?! Ha!). Instead for now, I’ll just say “YAY!”

If you’re local to Lexington, pick up the Lexington Herald-Leader today (8.9.11) and read the story about my weight loss (or see the link below). Considering I share my journey with the entire world on the internet, something is a little anxiety-producing by having it in the newspaper and on the newspaper website. While my little bubble of awesome readers understands the whole “fat and fit” concept and that being thin isn’t everything, many others do not.

In the end, I’m proud of my progress and know that I’m doing great things for my body. And I seriously feel like I’m rocking this photo:

image via David Perry of the Lexington Herald-Leader

So here it is, I’m going public! Click here to read the story online: Lexington blogger shares her weight loss journey.

the obligatory "big pants" shot! via David Perry, Lexington Herald-Leader

One of my favorite bloggers that I read for business/professional development is Amber Naslund. About a month ago, she wrote a post titled “What I Wish More People Knew About Me.” As transparent as many bloggers are, there are often things that people don’t see or don’t know, and this is a chance to share those.

Several fitness bloggers have done this in recent weeks, and I just LOVE it. It’s so interesting to see what lies beneath the daily words. Check out a few here: Ryan, Roni, Karen, Christie. If you’ve written one of these posts, please link it in the comments – I would love to read it.

Some of this is silly and some of it is serious. Hate it or love it, it’s all me.

There are times when I think I’m just destined to be obese forever. If it were in the cards for me to be somewhat “normal” sized, it would have happened already when I was back in the 1200 calories and 4 hours of exercise a day zone in the late 90′s and early 2000s. I’ve come to realize, quite recently, that even if I am still obese, my body feels incredible with this lifestyle and activity. I’m trying to learn to embrace what I am, right in this moment, while continuing down this path.

Whenever someone calls me an inspiration, I think they’ve lost their minds. Of course, that’s very nice to say, but it also makes me worried for what the reaction would be if I failed.

I am tired of being a yes-person.  I’ve always tried to be the best at everything because I was so bad at being “normal-sized.” I had to be the hardest-working student. Or the one who volunteers the most. The person who takes on lots of projects and is super-organized. The one who would do everyone else’s work in addition to their own. I’ve been a “yes” person for way too long- the consummate people-pleaser, and it’s really worn me out. Right now, I say “yes” to myself.

There are days when I feel like the ugliest, most disgusting person on the planet. I shut down and cry in the dark. There are other days where I feel really, really pretty and just want to twirl around in a whirly skirt with happiness.

I have lots of dreams. I want to be an author of multiple books, including a non-fiction memoir and a semi-biographical young adult series about fat camp. An avid lover of chick lit, I also would love to write fiction. I also want to write for a magazine. I want to do more public speaking on health/fitness/self-esteem as well as marketing/social media/blogging. I don’t think I’ve ever shared these publicly. I’ve said them privately to a select few friends, but never aloud as I feared it was setting myself up for failure. Lately though, I’m realizing life is too short to keep your dreams a secret.

I do not answer calls if I don’t know the number: If you need to talk to me, leave a message. Same goes with missed calls. If I miss a call from someone I know and they don’t leave a message, I usually won’t call back because I’m assuming the caller didn’t need anything important.

I don’t plan on having children. I love kids, I think I’m good with kids, and all moms are awesome. It’s just nothing I’ve ever desired. I thought as I approached my 30s, my mind might change, but it hasn’t. I could never live up to the wonderful standard my mom set, and I frankly feel too selfish to have a child. Never say never, but it’s not on the table right now. So nosy people, stop asking when my husband and I are having babies! At least now, if you need a sitter, you know who to ask

When I get really tickled about something, I laugh like a hyena and can’t catch my breath. I turn purple in the face and get wheezy. Not a chuckle or a laugh, it’s a full-on-gut-buster. It’s quite a sight, and often at the most ridiculous things. It’s kind of contagious, and I embrace it.

I am a loud hiccupper. It makes people laugh, but to me it’s annoying. It sounds like a frog croaking!

I have not ever seen Star Wars, Star Trek, Rocky, Indiana Jones or any mobster movies (Goodfellas, The Godfather, etc). Apparently, this is weird.

Some of you may know this, but my maiden last name is Ho (I’m half-Chinese, or Whasian as Gretchen likes to say). I didn’t know the alternative meaning to “ho” until a little after Naughty by Nature’s “Hip Hop Hooray” came out. Tough thing to learn for a 12 year old. And no, I can’t speak Chinese, although I desperately wish I did.

Have you written one of these posts? If so, please share below. I would love to hear something about YOU!

Recently, my city was named “most sedentary” by Men’s Health Magazine. Me, being the reformed sedentary soul myself, took offense and popped off to support my city in this post.

Tuesday, I was invited to attend a press conference about Run the Bluegrass Half Marathon (the half-marathon that I did back in April). At the presser, organizers and the Mayor announced a venue change to Keeneland (legendary, stunning horse track), announced it would be on March 31, 2012, and that there would be a relay option for those not comfortable with the half-marathon distance but who still want to participate. The Men’s Health article was brought up by some in attendance, and the consensus among all was that we can’t just SAY we’re not sedentary, we must SHOW them.

Lookie! In the newspaper. Click to read online version

I’ve been very public with my non-sedentary lifestyle here, and working to try to dispel the myth that fat=unhealthy or that it’s too hard to start moving and making a change to live a better life. Now, the Lexington Herald-Leader is asking us to “Stand Up, Lexington” and SHOW how active we are. If you’re local, share your personal fitness stories in 100 words or less, and you could be published on kentucky.com or in the Lexington Herald-Leader. Full details are here. You can bet I’m sending in a story!

If you’re not local, I’d love for you to share your story here in the comments. It’s always inspiring to hear what others are doing to change their lives!

A while back, I asked if anyone had questions for me. I was searching for something to write about as I’m suffering from a bout of writers block and immediately wanted to respond to this question:

Jennifer asked:

I have been reading your blog about a month now and have felt very inspired. My journey is very similar but I am just getting started on a hopeful 175 pound weight loss. I am about a couple months in, and beginning to see the weight loss stall and come off SLOW, if at all. I really fight the just cave in for this meal/day and start again tomorrow or next week. I have the will power and the commitment to fight this feeling and not give in like I have SO many times before. I hate this feeling and this has been my cycle in the past that I couldn’t ever get out of.

My question is this, have you had these moments and what got you through them?

I want to hug Jennifer right now because I’m feeling exactly as she is feeling right now. I’ve been strong the past several weeks as the scale has not budged. Same weight, every week. Today, I weighed in and was up 5 pounds.  5 pounds! Panic set in. Cue the voices in my head:

• OMG, how could you let this happen?
• Why are you so lazy?
• You’re never going to finish losing this weight
• Look, it’s just all a joke- you’ve gained weight.
• You can’t do this – throw in the towel!
• You are so gross.

Typing those things out now make me feel ridiculous, because they were so fiercely negative and knee-jerk.

image via kwdesigns on Flickr

In boxing, you’re supposed to keep your stance and protect your face. You have to be agile and quick to adjust. The same is true for a long-term weight loss journey.

The first few weeks of a stall are like weak jabs that knock you around a little, but don’t deter you. You get your hands back in position and keep fighting.

The next couple of weeks are more challenging. You start to get a little loose and sloppy. Your mind tricks you into believing that you can still win even if your defense is down a little.

After that, it’s blow-by-blow, with each meal or workout time feeling like another round in the ring. After getting knocked down by the scale a few times, your weakened state falters even more, and your defense goes down. A jab (larger portions), uppercut (dessert), and cross (missed workouts) later and you’re down.

For people in the mind-set that Jennifer and I are in right now, we can make a choice. Do we jump back up before the count or lie there in defeat?

The difference between success and defeat can often be found in how well we rebound and how we protect ourselves against future punches.

Don’t get me wrong: this whole health/weight loss journey SHOULD NOT always be a fight. There are so many great days, weeks and months where it is pleasant, and dare I say, easy, to progress in. How soon we forget the easy-going, weight-dropping weeks as soon as we’re faced with adversity.

So today, my hands are back up and protecting my face. I don’t know if boxers examine their tape as sports teams do, but I hit the “rewind” on the past 2 weeks to see where I was faltering.

• Workout frequency went from average 5 days/week to 3 days/week
• Calorie creep through a regular “snack” of Starbucks banana nut loaf, which I mistakenly had thought was 290 calories versus the nearly 500 it is. Not that it was good before – white flour and refined sugar are never a good combo for me.
• Calorie creep through less measuring of portions and grabbing nibbles of things here and there: a bite size candy bar from the bowls at work; a handful of tortilla chips from my husbands snacking pile; beer enjoyed at FitBloggin’ local…

My game plan:

• Fully stocked fridge with awesome fresh food
• Pre-prepared lunches for 3 days in advance
• Orthopedist appointment to check out my ankle (which has been an excuse for not doing higher impact activities)
• 1.5 liter bottle of water that travels with me everywhere
• Tightly scheduled days that will hopefully eliminate the “no time to workout” excuse
• Logging all my food (here’s today’s entry)
• Sitting down at the table without distractions for each meal (I was eating on the sofa, tweeting, reading, etc and mindlessly going through meals)
• Mindfulness: Knowing that I CAN do this and that I WILL do this. Look back at previous success and remember that you made it happen
• Continue looking for a Registered Dietician to see if I can refine my eating habits and choices
• Continue my Bikram yoga
• Work on new strength training program
• In bed by 10pm every night

I’m not going to get down on myself or get frustrated. I have the tools, and it’s up to me to use them in a way that will allow me to win.

I hope this helps, Jennifer!

I’m sure others have faced this predicament before – how did you get back up when you were knocked down?

Lately, my success on this journey hasn’t been on the scale. The scale hasn’t been moving, however my attitude and outlook are making huge strides in ways that I know are setting me up for long-term success: on-scale and off.

A couple of days ago, someone left a comment on my Facebook page asking why I continue to blog and get social support if I’m not losing weight consistently right now. Before you run off to flame the person (please don’t), I want to just say that it’s okay. Truly.

This comment made me think and appreciate why I do this whole blogging thing.

Source: cubetadesign.blogspot.com via Emily on Pinterest

Sometimes, being a weight loss blogger is tough. If I’ve said I’m a “weight loss blogger who isn’t losing weight” that’s a little ridiculous, right? I could say that I’m a “healthy living blogger” which is certainly accurate, but weight loss is a major part of my “healthy living” focus. I’ve had many “aha moments” in the past 4 weeks of no weight loss, and I don’t want them to get overshadowed by the number on the scale. In order to fix the scale, I’m changing up my workouts and re-evaluating all my food. Think of it as a re-calibration. This happens, and for the first time in what feels like my entire life, I’m completely okay with this adjustment period. I know eventually the scale will move again.

In the past, these plateaus would happen and it would lead to disaster. My discouragement would creep in and as a result my confidence would bottom out and I would end up abandoning my weight loss efforts. I could hang on to my perseverance for a few weeks, tops. The difference this time is that I am completely aware of my feelings and appreciative of my progress so far. Perhaps it’s not happening as quickly as I intended, but my hope has not dimmed one bit. I know I’ll get there, and it’s in my hands to control. No one can take my progress away from me: on the scale or off.

I’ve lived in fear over people judging me because of my size or health for way too long. Previously, an even semi-discouraging comment even made in passing or completely innocuously would send me into a spiral of shame and self-loathing. This time? I feel peace. I know why I am doing this, and why I will succeed.

My intention behind this blog has always been to be honest and to write about my experiences. It can be painful, uplifting, emotional, downright devastating or completely joyous. I never set out to be anyone’s “inspiration.” I am humbled people have called me that, but I want to be clear: I do this for me. Yes, I want you to succeed. I want everyone who is struggling to be able to find their way. But in the end, I share my journey to help ME, and in the process it might help others.

For anyone who encounters negativity or naysayers, remember why you’re doing it. Do it for YOU. If you’re doing it for anyone else, the success will be fleeting.

Late last night, Brittany told me that my lil’ blog was listed in this post on Health.com of 4 Inspirational Weight Loss Blogs. I am beyond thrilled to be on the same list with Roni’s Weigh, Beth’s Journey and Learn Fitness, and grateful to Tina for including me on it.

Short version: I’m Emmie, a 30 year old living in Lexington, KY who is on an over 250 pound weight loss and fitness journey. So far, I’ve lost 112 pounds and recently finished my first half-marathon. The goal of “Skinny Emmie” isn’t to become THIN, it’s to become a healthy, happy version of my true self who is uninhibited by weight or fitness barriers.

You can find me frequently chatting on Facebook and Twitter and have recently started a plus size fashion blog, Emmie Loves.

If you want to stay around and check out more, here are some of my favorite posts to get you started:

• Fattie Gets Fit
• Skinny Emmie: Exposed
• My first 5K
• 100 Pounds Lost
• 100 Pounds of Lessons
• Does having a blog help you lose weight?
• My first half marathon
• Mental Matters (Anxiety and depression)
• Weight Loss Progress
• Fativersary: A reflection on 2 years since my highest weight

Thanks for stopping by!

Over the weekend I was going through some old files on my computer, trying to become somewhat organized. While I don’t care to share how poorly my organization efforts turned out, I do want to share something that I found out as a result: I just hit my 2 year fativersary.

Me about 15 pounds less than my highest weight of 455 pounds.

Two years ago, I topped the scale at 455 pounds. Before topping out at 455, I had previously topped out at 445 before losing 130 pounds… and then gaining it all back again (plus 10 pounds) after the death of my mom, my wedding and a layoff from a job that I thought was my dream (turns out, it wasn’t).

It might seem odd that I didn’t notice I was in the process of gaining 140 pounds over the next year, but I didn’t. I just ate. Anything and everything. I was a leader of my own car-eating, trash-hiding gang. I called in for curb-side carry out from restaurants where they knew my order and I would tip them well for not mentioning how often I stopped by and for never forgetting the extra sauces and for including 3 sets of plastic wear, fully knowing I only needed 1 set. When not at work, my ass took up permanent residence on an oversized, reclining portion of a sectional in front of our 60″ plasma where my only exercise was the perilous act of shoveling the cheese fries into my mouth without having the extra ranch dressing drip on my shirt.

It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about that girl I used to be. Describing my life in such words used above makes me sick.

I was sick.

The past two years I’ve exercised myself physically and emotionally, fighting back the sometimes crippling urges to revert to those past behaviors that dulled my pain. I shared my experiences here in attempts to help others, and to also convince myself that I am making small steps to becoming a more improved version of myself, and towards meeting my potential. There have been months, particularly earlier on, when I remained stagnant. I teetered on the edge of binging just enough to not start gaining weight back. It was only 1 year ago that I started to exercise, and that one year has allowed me to become a multiple 5K participant and a half marathoner. I’ve made so many friends that I can’t believe I’ve lived without for so long.

In short, I have become an active participant in my life.

Right now, my body is doing some adjusting, and I’m going through yet another lesson in perseverance: learning to embrace the changes I’ve made and continuing to adapt how I must live my life in order to continue my fitness journey. These things I know are true:

I will never give up.
I am already a success story.
I will reach my goals.

Thank you for letting me share my story with you.

The past couple of months have been difficult along this personal weight loss and fitness journey. Between dealing with pain during training, completing a half-marathon and turning 30 during a bout of the post-race blues, at times it has felt like a losing battle.

What has been the difference in turning that losing battle into a winning one? Support.

Right now, I can honestly say that my support network (part of which is YOU) stopped me from having a downward spiral that could have resulted in gaining back much of the weight I’ve lost. This blog has over 52 posts that specifically mention the power of support from friends, family, blog readers, and yes, even my sports bras. My definition of “support” has changed over time.

My current definition of support encompasses three areas: emotional, environmental and physical.

Emotional Support: Mary Ann, Amber, me, Holli

Emotional Support: The cheerleaders in your life: family, friends and even acquaintances who know your goals, can recognize struggles and celebrate successes throughout your journey. Everybody doesn’t have to encompass all of these. For many, we have distinct people who are always positive and put a cheerful spin on things. Then, we have those who are the “realists” who know how to keep you in check without hurting your feelings. These personalities serve their own purposes, but weave together to build a strong tapestry that will give you all the support you need.

my gym is part of my support environment

Environmental Support: This aspect of support goes beyond people and extends into places. This could mean your home is a junk-food-free zone, or you keep the office refrigerator or your desk drawer stocked with healthy snacks. It could also mean going to a gym that you’re not intimidated in, or working out with other people so you have some company to pass the time. A supportive environment helps minimize the risks of slip-ups in your moments of weakness.

Never exercise without it! The ENELL SPORT bra

Physical Support: I once thought of physical support as the basic wrappings of what I needed to get the job done. With increased physical activity, however, I’ve come to be very picky about my physical support. At the gym I feel lost without my heart rate monitor telling me how my body is responding. While training for the half-marathon, I had physical pain until I found the proper shoes and specific insoles that would give the support I needed.  For all of my exercise, I’ve become completely dependent on my ENELL SPORT bras to keep me well supported, bounce-free, and without back pain. It’s hard enough to run, jump, stairclimb and lift weights without worrying about which direction certain parts of your body are moving! Armed with the proper physical support, my body is more able to do the things I’m pushing it to, all while minimizing discomfort and embarrassment.

I want to know what support means to YOU. Do you agree with my 3 factors? Have any others you would add? Leave your thoughts in the comments. Stay tuned for next week’s follow-up post on support as well as a giveaway!

Disclosure: This post was sponsored by ENELL, maker of performance apparel for well-endowed women. Follow ENELL on Facebook, Twitter, or their blog. While ENELL is my Fitbloggin’ sponsor, all gushy outpourings of love I give to their products is solely a representation of my own opinions. I endorse Blog With Integrity.

This is the last week I’m going to be begging you for money towards my half-marathon fundraising! Here’s a quick video update and last plea:

If you were hoping to be randomly chosen for the bracelet giveaway, I notified winners early this morning (Sunday), so check your email.

I am completely overwhelmed with the support – it’s come from those I know and those I don’t, and from all over the world (literally: US, Canada, the Netherlands, Australia, India, United Kingdom, Ireland, and more!) We only have a couple hundred more dollars to go for fundraising, so please help spread the word and help me push past my $2,500 goal!

DONATE HERE

It’s been a long road training for this. I wanted to share with you some photos of my training, taken by my friends at Rideout Photography:

This half marathon training has been kind of bonkers. I’ve run the gamut of emotions and physical pain. When I took the adventure on, it was rooted in the sentimental without much thought to practicality.

I spent my 20′s with my weight literally going up and down hundreds of pounds. I wanted to enter my 30′s in April with something to show for all my work, and as a way to help heal those feelings that I didn’t do enough to help my mom when she was rapidly deteriorating with Parkinson’s Disease. This half marathon fit the bill. Gave me a reason to raise money to help others with Parkinson’s, and a way to feel physically accomplished days before my 30th birthday. It felt serendipitous that it fell on the anniversary of my mom’s death.

I’ve got 1 more week to push away my self doubt, and to continue working on mental and physical toughness. I’m not a runner. I am walking this half. There might be a wee-bit of jogging. I need to tell  myself that it is okay. That 13.1 miles is still 13.1 miles no matter what the final time is.

DONATE HERE

Thank you for your emotional and monetary support. Words can’t express my gratitude.

Wow. Overwhelmed by the encouragement and praise I got yesterday from my 101 pounds lost post. The majority of you are strangers, yet you spent your time dropping me a kind word. I wanted to share some quick things that I’ve learned or am beginning to learn now that I’ve crossed the 100 pound mark. There’s a lot more to go, so I’m sure this is only a fraction of what I’ll learn as I push towards health and fitness.

25 Lessons after 100 Pounds

1. People are kind and good. Especially people who read this blog.
2. With human kindness and compassion, people can conquer nearly anything.
3. Build your bubble of supporters. They lift you up when you are down.
4. Those who aren’t supporters don’t require your energy.
5. Don’t be afraid to meet new people.
6. Say thank you a lot.
7. Practice confidence, you’ve earned it.
8. It’s okay to be selfish.
9. Having fear is okay. Letting go of it is exhilarating.
10. Be true to yourself. You’re the only one you need to report to.
11. Document your progress. Don’t forget where you came from.
12. You might have to hit some speed bumps. It’s okay.
13. If you need to adapt your food, do it.
14. Try new veggies. Especially spaghetti squash.
15. Try not to let the scale beat you up.
16. You will never regret a workout.
17. Exercising in the morning really isn’t that bad
18. The right gym can be a supportive place.
19. A good personal trainer is an excellent thing.
20. Padded spin shorts are butt savers.
21. Without accepting our accomplishments, we cannot move forward.
22. Don’t wait to start doing things you want to.
23. Keep your goals in front of you.
24. It’s not too late until you’re dead.
25. Don’t ever, ever, ever give up.

What have I missed? What lessons would you share?

image via johnnyvintage on Flickr

Not in the mood for a “deep” post? Maybe you should skip this one Seriously though, I share these thoughts because I really don’t think I’m alone. Is it scary opening up? Sure. But could it help me plus others to do so? Yup. So share I do…

Hands down the hardest part of this weight loss journey has been the work that is going on in my head. The gym and eating properly? Piece of (fat free, sugar free, gluten free) cake. Trying to discover why I got to 455 pounds in the first place and how to fix those mental issues to be successful in the long run is one of the most time intensive, tiring things I do lately.

Late last year, I decided I would pursue therapy of some sort. I have a history of depression, anxiety and insomnia. I don’t know why this is such a taboo topic, but I don’t ever hear anyone talk about going to their therapist. In addition to the therapist, I’m also working with a nurse practitioner in the same practice to deal with the medication component as well (if needed). With each session, even though I may go into it thinking I feel good or I don’t have anything to say, I feel like I’m taking baby steps to healing from the inside.

Today I had my third therapy session, and it’s really interesting to just see patterns in myself and how my behaviors are so inter-related with my weight, my friends, my work, and even this blog. I was blabbing on and on and on to the therapist about just things on my mind. Nothing really earth shattering, but the more I shared as she asked more questions, the more I saw a flicker of light start to go off in my head.

Things I’m beginning to realize:

• I don’t accept and celebrate my achievements
• I’m a people pleaser
• I spend way too much time and energy worrying about what others think of me
• I am so worried about the future that I don’t take the proper time and focus on the present
• My negative self talk is crippling my confidence and ability to celebrate the now – I am silencing my own voice – standing in my own way

This is a mountain of issues to climb over. First step I’m taking immediately? Cleaning house. Not my physical home (although it really could use cleaning), but my mind and my environment. Are there things in my life sucking my time and energy that don’t fulfill me? How much energy do I spend dwelling on those? How do I make more time for doing things I truly enjoy with people that I enjoy being with? How do I focus more on the present and stop worrying about the sky falling in the future? If I focus entirely on the present and doing the best I can at this time, the future will work itself out.

The great news? I enjoy my work, my blog, my workouts, my family. I’m incredibly lucky for that. I’m starting off in a great situation. Now the challenge is wiping away the cobwebs that hold me back in my own mind to really thrive.

Can anyone relate? Does this kind of discussion help at all? Are you spending time and energy on things that aren’t required and don’t bring you joy?

Who doesn’t love a giveaway?

I posted earlier this morning that I hit 98.5 pounds lost, despite being worried about my new focus on lower calories instead of low-carb. Part of the reason I was worried was because I cooked and ate this over the weekend:

mmm, nachos!

Seriously. Drool.

I made nachos for the Steelers game (hubs is a die hard fan). He is almost as big of a fan of nachos as he is his Steelers. When we went to Key West on our cruise, he didn’t order Key Lime pie from the restaurant we went to – he ordered nachos. The boy must try nachos everywhere we go.

So I made these nachos from Rocco DiSpirito’s cookbook, “Now Eat This!” (aff.  link) which has 150 recipes of old favorite comfort foods, but with less than 350 calories per serving.

Hubs had zero idea that these nachos were made with ground turkey instead of ground beef and that he ate greek yogurt instead of sour cream. I told him when he was halfway through scarfing his plate and he was shocked. Seriously, they were that good. Good wife points for me!

Then last night, I really wanted some comfort food, so I chose the macaroni and cheese recipe from the “Now Eat This” cookbook, and made it with some skepticism. It also used greek yogurt, lowfat cheese and panko bread crumbs? Confused, but undeterred, I made it and it turned out like this:

mmm, macaroni and cheese!

It was seriously good. And might I add: I am the laziest cook on the planet. LAZY. But these dishes were not only tasty, but they were EASY, and I didn’t have any problems finding the ingredients for them. And the cookbook has pretty pictures (seriously, it makes a difference.)

Anyway, I want to share the deliciousness with you, so I’m giving away two (2) SIGNED copies of Now Eat This! (uh, signed by Rocco, not by me)

TO ENTER: Simply respond to this post in the comments and share with me what your healthy goal or resolution is for 2011.

Disclosure: I received a copy of this book at no charge, however my review and opinions are all my own. My taste buds speak for themselves.

This morning started off with a fizzle when I woke up late, having missed my 5:30am spin + yoga class, and an appointment with my therapist (everyone needs a healthy mind). Bah.

The day could only go up from there! I got some good things accomplished at work, although the confidence issue came back up again. I think I’ll take the advice some of you mentioned in that post: fake it till you make it. That plus the therapy will hopefully help me figure out why I’m holding back. It’s frustrating, because (without sounding egotistical) I am well educated, have good ideas, work hard, volunteer, love life, etc. I don’t have anything to hide. Yet my voice is being silenced by my mind for whatever reason.

After getting home from work, I decided to try The Biggest Loser yoga DVD again since I missed my morning workout. If you remember, I had some trouble with it last time. So, I tried again. I tried to get video again, but there just isn’t a good place to put the camera where you can see my workout when I’m standing up. Instead, here are some stills from it:

My downward dog doesn't look too bad.

And my plank was okay too, although I can't tell if my butt really is too high or if that's just the "padding" I have LOL. It certainly didn't feel like I could go lower without back strain.

Lilly was really confused what the device was on the stairs leading to the basement. She checked it out, while I showed the camera my butt.

I attempted the previously failed side plank and kind of got there, but not for long.

When I was doing this stretch I thought "huh! I am pretty flexible"

But then I realized at the next stretch I can touch my toes with my legs straight out! I wish you could see my feet, but my hands are on my toes. Haven't been able to do this in a LONG time- my stomach was in the way.

My point behind the photos is to show that anyone can do something. Get a DVD, try something new, do something you didn’t think you can do. And if you don’t do well the first time, keep trying. And then try some more. Don’t ever, ever, ever give up! I’ve lost 95 pounds, but I’m still a 360 pound morbidly obese gal. No excuses.

What are some things you want to try, but haven’t because of past failures or setbacks? Have you actually done something that you never thought you could do? Please share in the comments.

image via gnarlykitty on flickr

I’ve been thinking a lot about time lately. How I use my time, how much time I waste, etc. I suppose this started from this post before Christmas about writing a letter to myself in retrospect of 2011. I re-read that letter while dealing with being sick, and was silently cursing at the 2+ weeks of time that I wasn’t making any progress in my weight loss journey (even stepping backwards slightly.)

This week, seeing the new years resolutioners at the gym, I found myself secretly wishing that each of them would make this commitment last beyond February. I can look back at months and years of myself not making the most with my time. If I had started working out earlier in my journey, how much farther could I have gone? What is the value of the time I lost in that? 50 pounds? More?

The resolutioner who might have tried this same gym resolution last year who is back again- where could they have been in their progress had they kept up their routine throughout a year? 20 pounds? 100 pounds? Running a half marathon? Doing a triathlon?

This conversation doesn’t have to just be about weight loss or fitness, it can be about anything: learning something new, reading that stack of books, committing to a craft, etc.

These are some questions keep popping in my head when thinking about the VALUE of my time:

• What is the cost of the time lost in front of the TV?
• What is the cost of the time lost in being self conscious?
• What is the cost of the time lost in not working aggressively towards my fitness goals?
• What is the cost of the time and emotional change when I complain or whine or get a poor attitude?

So, just food for thought. Think about being more conscious with your time and see if you can accomplish more things, in a faster time, or can be more fulfilled with the outcome of your day.

Do you ask yourself these questions? Can you relate to this sort of analysis?

I first reviewed my impressions of the BodyMedia FIT in July 2010 and I have gotten quite a few messages recently asking for an update. So here she goes!

Disclaimer: BodyMedia FIT supplied me with the armband plus display device. I have been paying the monthly subscription fee after the first month they set me up with. All opinions are strictly my own. No sell out here!

For those who don’t know how this device works:

• You place the monitor on your upper left arm and wear it all day (even when you sleep- it track that also)
• The sensors on the device record your activity throughout the day, including duration of moderate and vigorous activity, calories burned, steps walked, etc
• You plug in the device to your computer and download the data onto the BodyMedia membership site, where it gives you charts and all the data you could want about your activity.
• You can also track your food in the BodyMedia system online (or on your iPhone or Android device if you have the app). If done so, it will tell you your calorie deficit (or overage) for the desired time period. Using this information, you should be able to tell if you’re on track for a weight loss (a calorie deficit of 3500 calories equals 1 pound lost).

Here’s a quick example:
Yesterday I missed my morning workout due to quite possibly the worst nights of sleep in my life (just restless, plus I’m an insomniac). When I got home from work, it was dark and freezing out, so I decided to hop on hubs’ recumbent bike and see if I could get 30 minutes knocked out so I could say I did SOMETHING of a workout.

I wasn’t wearing the BodyMedia FIT all day yesterday (see bullet 1 on my “con” list below), but I wanted to see how the device would read especially as compared to what my Polar heart rate monitor was saying my exertion level was (due to bullet point 2 below on the “con” list).

Not the most flattering of photos. I don't wear white tank tops at the gym, just FYI. But you can see the BodyMedia FIT on my arm and my HRM on my wrist.

It took me a while to get in a groove on the bike. Maybe 5 minutes for my heart rate to get up? But then we were off to the races for a while.

Mr. Polar says my heart rate is 146, so well in my "medium intensity" zone. As you can see on the bike, this was at 24 minutes in, a little over 6 miles. I used 5lb. dumbbells to do periodic arm exercises to get my heart rate up in addition to high resistance on the bike.

When I finished at 30  minutes, I felt like I had a good workout, but didn’t really know how well I did. I was sweaty though!

I plugged the sucker in my computer to see what the results were:

I could drag over the time slot I wanted to see my exertion for, and saw I burned 259 calories in that 30 minutes. Go me!

Pros:

• I’m a geek and it’s a neat techie device.
• It calculates my calories burned based on a number of factors, making it more accurate than the generic calorie read-outs on a piece of gym equipment (that doesn’t know my weight, etc)
• I love wearing it when I try a new workout program, class, or routine. It’s really interesting to plug it in and see the data of how my calorie burn doing that activity varies with what I normally do. For example, I used it to calculate my spinning calories and my Just Dance 2 calories burned.
• The BodyMedia support team is very responsive and helpful if you think you have an issue.
• They now have an iPhone and Android app that lets you see your data and input your food. They also have a new BodyMedia FIT device that is Bluetooth-enabled so you can view your stats while you’re wearing your device (this kind of makes me geek out)

Cons:

• I forget to wear it. All the time. It is pretty visible with a lot of work clothes, and it’s old after a while to stop trying to convince people it’s not a SCRAM bracelet
• I had some trouble getting it to properly calculate my time while doing lower impact gym activities where my arms are pretty fixed, including spinning, the arc trainer, elliptical and recumbent bike. I always use my Polar heart rate monitor to make sure I’m exercising in my proper heart rate zone, so when I would plug in the device when I got home to have it tell me I only did 40 minutes of cardio instead of 70, I would get huffy. There are some tricks such as lowering the armband closer to the elbow on lower impact activities, that help with the monitoring. (Hence why I did my heart rate monitor/BodyMedia experiment above yesterday- that turned out pretty accurate though, yay!)
• Even if you do all of your activity and eat the right things to get the recommended calorie deficit to lose X pounds per week, it still doesn’t always happen. The body is funny like that. Just don’t take it too seriously (like me) and get mad.

Bottom line: The BodyMedia FIT is a tool. It helps you gain better awareness of what activities you do and how active you are. If you use the calorie tracker also, it will calculate the calorie overage or deficit to continue on your weight loss goals. These are great. However, it is just a tool. The tool is only as good as the person wielding it. It can’t do the work for you. If you like data, however, and think this tool will help keep you accountable with your exercise, then by all means, pick it up (affiliate link). I think for many, it is a really great way to find out what their body is really doing. Coupled with the nutrition tracker, it provides a complete snapshot of your wellness initiatives. On the other hand, if you’re starting out a fitness plan and have limited resources, you might want to just start off by investing in a pair of good shoes to get you going, or a heart rate monitor (if you’re doing heart-rate based training- HIIT) instead of running off to buy this device.

Do any of you have a BodyMedia FIT, BodyBugg, or similar device? Share your experiences in the comments!

Tonight is the season finale for The Biggest Loser, Season 10. As I’ve written about before, I auditioned for this season back in January/February  of this year. I believe they began filming in late April, which is coincidentally, the time that I started my Get Emmie Skinny focus on health.

So fast forward 8 months or so and tonight we’ll witness amazing transformations of people who have lost 100, 125, even 150+ pounds in that time period. I think I’ve lost about 40 for 93 total. But man, can I tell you how thankful I am for being a Biggest Loser reject?

• No Game Play: Brendan, Frado and Patrick were all game play, and being around that kind of environment would have hurt the learning process for me that I need to go through to be successful. I’m fiercely competitive, and to have to be in a hostile environment wouldn’t have done me any good.
• No Yelling or Overtraining: I didn’t have to have someone yelling in my face for me to work out harder. I also know I’ve gone at a pace where my body always felt strong and not overly fatigued – something I don’t think I could say with all day workouts. I got to choose how I worked out and who I worked out with, and there is power that comes from being able to make that decision by yourself.
• No Missing Life: I didn’t have to leave reality for 12 weeks and worry about my job, paying bills and missing friends and family. I didn’t have to worry about coming home from the show and then having to still be competing for an at-home prize, living my life in some kind of constant workout-hazed world. I got to live my life, just the way I like it.
• Personal Community: Instead of colliding with strangers I was competing against, I spent the past several months building my own personal community of supporters and friends – new and old – that is stronger than any casting director could ever put together.

Here’s a shot of some of my answers from my Biggest Loser application form:

Looking at these, I realize how far I’ve come. I may have lost only a fraction of what these Losers did, but I’ve gained a wealth of knowledge that I know I can call on in the real world – because it was formed in the real world.

Food is: no longer where I turn. I turn to friends.

Exercise is: something my body craves. No foolish feelings. No excuses.

My weight is: something that I’m working on, in a healthy way, and in my own time.

What would motivate me to lose weight? Knowing that I can do it. That I have all of the tools in place and all the cheerleaders I could ask for who are there to celebrate with me and to pick me up when I’m down.

So not only has my mind set started to shift, but I watched a couple of clips from my audition video today and for the first time, can REALLY see the difference in my face and body.

So, thank you Biggest Loser for making me a reject. You’ve taught me more than you’ll ever know!

From Dec. 11

I’ve been riding a wave of happiness since the Southern Lights Stroll. I wish official times were up so I could verify that I, in fact, did finish somewhere between 50-51 minutes, however they’re not up yet.

Thanksgiving was spent decorating the Christmas tree and other parts of the house as hubs had to work the afternoon of Thanksgiving (he’s a murse. A male nurse. Not a male purse. Duh.) The family Thanksgiving was held yesterday at my mother-in-laws. This is what I prepared to take over there:

Spoonbread, Sweet Potato Casserole and 2 Pecan Pies

It was pretty much everything that I never eat. Corn. Flour. Sugar. Carbs. My sister in law made macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes- 2 things she does excellently. These were 2 of my former favorite comfort foods, and so I had seconds of those items. I ended up overeating, as most do on Thanksgiving. My eyes were bigger than my stomach, and I haven’t been that full in a long time. Honestly, it felt awful, but I enjoyed partaking in the food instead of passing it along as I normally would.

In the end, I realized, it’s just food. Maybe it tastes good or makes you feel warm and cozy, but it’s just food.

Except when it’s not.

Here comes a lesson.

I went to spin class this morning and felt great. Then, I took my pup for a quick 1.5 mile walk. I measured out my breakfast and logged the food. Then, I saw it sitting there on the counter. A pecan pie and a half.

Hubs was supposed to take them to work this morning, but forgot. I cut off a sliver and sat down with a cup of coffee and ate the pie. Was it because I was hungry? No. It was because it reminded me of my mom.

Pecan pie was her favorite. We had it every Thanksgiving growing up. It was my favorite too. I would go in the kitchen after everything was put away and sneak a sliver of pecan pie and eat it in my room. It just made me so happy.

Something else she really liked? Pretty Christmas trees. Every year, I try to make one prettier than the year before. I put a lot of time into decorating the tree, because it reminds me of her, and I like feeling the joy looking at my pretty tree creates for me.

My Christmas tree

the banister

I spent the day wondering why I ate that pie, and I realized I ate it for the memory – the same reason I spent hours on the tree and banister. I wanted the memory of my mom, of the traditions we had as a family. So now I sit here wondering if it’s wrong to have eaten the piece of pie if I was craving a memory? Could I have simply just sat and stared at the decorations and not had the food temptation? Yes. I guess right now I’m confused as to whether be thankful for that piece of pie and the memories it brought back, or if I should be upset that I ate a piece of pie.

I know I’m rambling. Right now, I don’t feel guilty about the pie, but I think I should be. Thus, I’m conflicted (and rambling). My relationship with food has been such a distorted one my entire life, that now I must figure out how to handle these things for the rest of my life.

Have you had similar conflicts with food? How to you build a “healthy” relationship with it so you can live with it forever in a way that doesn’t cause feelings of conflict or guilt?

Another great question from Katy B. about something I’ve wanted to talk about for a while. I have struggled with it since at least the fourth grade, and some days, it’s worse than others:

I was wondering if you struggle with comparisons. I catch myself trying to figure out if I am bigger or the woman who sits down across from me is. I tell myself it’s because I don’t have a sense of what size I really am and a comparison would help me figure it out, but I think it’s really because if I can find someone I am a little smaller than, then I will feel better about myself, and recognizing this makes me feel horrible. I also find myself tracking other people’s progress with weight loss and I get depressed when someone ‘beats’ me or passes me. I am wondering if this is just me or if these are common things… and if so how you deal with them?

I think that many women (and even some men), big or small, struggle with comparisons. Whether it’s what handbag someone is carrying, what size someone is, what their hair looks like… there are always things that people compare in their minds against other people. Knowing I was “fat” when I was even a child in elementary school, my fat-o-meter kicked in at an early age.

image via susan402 on Flickr

There was a girl, Jane* (name totally changed to protect the innocent), who was in most of my classes in elementary school. We even rode the same school bus, but we never talked. I always looked at her and thought that surely she was fatter than I. Her clothes never fit quite right, her hair was cut really short, and she didn’t have many friends. I always was thankful for Jane because I felt that having her around took the spotlight off me and my size. Am I rotten for thinking this? Perhaps, but it’s the truth.

Sometimes, my fat-o-meter is out of control. I’ve found if I’m in new situations where I’m even more self-conscious than usual, it is off-the-charts bad. Surrounded by strangers? My eyes are like eagles eyes, scanning the room at a rapid pace for someone, anyone, who might be my size. “Please don’t let me be the biggest person here” the voice in my head screams.

Unfortunately, when I was 455 pounds, it was damn near impossible to find anyone my size. Heck, many times it was hard finding someone half my size! For this and a multitude of other reasons, my self-confidence was at its lowest. I was the huge fat lady that people would expect to be locked in their rooms eating Little Debbie snacks all day.

I noticed during the cruise that my fat-o-meter didn’t go off as much as I thought it would. I did notice a girl at the pool wearing my same bathing suit but in black (mine was blue). I did briefly think that I felt good that someone else similar to my size was bearing all, and that she actually looked cute! It put a little pep in my step that if she was confident, I was justified even more in being confident.I didn’t feel that I needed to apologize for being the size that I was.

To answer the other portion of the question: Yes, I compare my weight loss journey to others. And just as in social situations, the comparisons vary by how much self confidence I have at the time.Last month, I wrote this post about being jealous of someone who had gotten gastric bypass surgery and was shrinking like crazy. When I told her I wrote the post, however, she flipped it around for me:

The funny thing about that is that I am jealous of your dedication to your training, and your physical ability. You’re doing things that I don’t think I am capable of doing. I think it’s part of human nature that we always think that someone else has it better than we do.

She is so.friggin.right. The more I go through this journey, the more I see that these comparisons have got to stop.

I must:

• Be appreciative of where I am in my journey.
• Be aware of the negative effect that comparisons are having on my self-esteem.
• Not be afraid to congratulate myself on a job well done.
• Acknowledge that what I’m doing is hard, and others might do it faster, but this is MY journey and I have to own it.

I’ve posted this quote before, but will post it again. It’s a great reminder:

‘Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.’ ~Lao Tzu

I hope that this helps, Katy. As humans, we all have the tendency to compare ourselves and judge against others. Big or small, everyone has done it before. The trick (and it’s not an easy one) is to be conscious of why we’re doing the comparsons, so we can hopefully stop them before they lead to negative self-talk.

Would love to hear others opinions and experiences on this. Please share in the comments below.

I know countless diet books, gurus and weight loss know-it-alls say this a lot. Let me say it again:

“Fail to plan- plan to fail.”

Kristina M sent me some food for thought through my writers block comment form, and this one was pretty timely. She says:

With the holidays, a lot of people are thinking of ways to make their dishes lighter, healthier. I’m sure lots of people will want to know what your plan is, and tips of what we can all do.

With the time change this past weekend, the smell of cinnamon scented pinecones and the heaters cranked up, I know the holidays are around the corner. Holidays or not, the number one rule for me staying on track with my eating is being prepared. It’s amazing how a little bit of planning can save you from falling into a spiral of calorie over-consumption.

Whether it’s the holidays or an everyday social occasion, planning is key. This past weekend I had an in-law function where there would be spaghetti and meatballs involved. Being a low-carbing pasta freak, this sent up red flags all over the place. I had to suit up and prepare for war. (Ok, that’s a little dramatic, but you know what I mean.) I’ll share what I did to help avoid my face in a bowl full of pasta.

5 tips for avoiding everyday (or holiday) diet meltdowns:

via Mr T in DC on Flickr

1. Study the battle field. You want as much information on the situation as possible so you can avoid landmines. What is being served? Can you eat any of it? Who will be there (any emotional triggers)? Figure out how much you need to do beforehand to try to anticipate stumbling blocks when the time comes to sit down for the meal.
2. Bring the ammunition. You would never go into battle without ammunition, right? Once you have studied the battle field (figured out what the food situation is), bring whatever you need to in order to keep yourself satisfied. Worried about being rude to your host? Don’t be. Feel free to explain beforehand that you have some dietary restrictions and explain how you might bring your own meal so they won’t have to fuss over you. This past weekend, since I knew they were having spaghetti with meatballs, I decided to prepare spaghetti squash with vodka cream sauce and Italian sausage. I still got my Italian food fix, without the guilt.
3. Alert the troops. This might be a personal quip of mine, but I like to tell my husband or friends about my plan for making it through the event. In my mind, if I *think* they’re watching me, then I behave better. They also have been known to give a gentle reminder if I’m about to lick the cake icing off someones plate. Give people permission to hold you up if you start to fall.
4. Remember your mission. This past weekend, there was a monster cake. I didn’t anticipate the cake. I didn’t plan for the cake. OMG, the cake smelled SO GOOD. I had to put myself in time out. Literally. I sat far away from the cake and reminded myself of my gym workout earlier in the day. About my upcoming weigh in on Monday. I repeated “You’re making a choice” over and over. And I chose to skip cake. When I got home, I allowed myself 1 bite size low carb, sugar free candy. It curbed my craving for sweet, and didn’t derail me like the cake would have.
5. Cleanup if necessary. It’s not always easy. Sometimes you fall into the cake. Sometimes you decide to stuff yourself with stuffing. It happens. Do everyone a favor and skip the shame spiral, and just do something about it. Go for a walk or jog. Add in an extra workout during the following week. Cut back your next meal to a smaller portion. Fix it and forget it. Don’t cry over pumpkin pie.

I’m not saying every social outing or holiday has to be a battle. Sometimes you will plan to indulge in moderation, and that’s perfectly acceptable (in my opinion). No matter what you do, just balance your actions out. If you really are going to be miserable because you passed up the butter pecan ice cream, then have a little and work out harder afterwords. Nothing is irreversible.

How do you prepare to continue your healthy lifestyle during the holidays?

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor, nutritionist, trainer, exercise physiologist or astrophysicist. I’m just a fat and fit girl typing away. I don’t care when you exercise, just sharing my personal experience!

A few people have asked me how I can possibly drag myself out of bed before work to exercise in the morning. Is it insanity? Am I a morning bird? Am I one of those freaks who can thrive without sleep?

Uh, no, no and no.

The first few times I heard my alarm go off during the 5am hour, I felt like I wanted to DIE. I know it sounds melodramatic, but really – my entire body was revolting against getting up so early in the morning. But I did it. One morning, then the next, then an off day, then the next. Per my psychologist bestie, according to research, “it takes as little as 10 days and as many 4 weeks to establish a new habit. It has to do with the amount of repetition. It’s all about establishing neuronal connections, the more reinforcement the faster it develops.”

I simply established a habit. Do I hate the habit in theory most mornings? Yep. Do I do it anyway? Yep. (For more on transitioning into forming a habit, take a look at this great post over on the Zenhabits blog). The good news? It does get easier.

Why I work out in the morning:

1. It’s the only time it would fit in my schedule. I think I worked out twice at night before realizing that I couldn’t get everything done in the day that I needed or wanted to. My schedule: 7am: Wake up, shower, eat breakfast; 8:30am-5:30pm Work; 6pm Get home, make dinner; 7pm any consulting work, emails, bills, tv, etc; 9pm write blog post; 10:30pm bed (hopefully).  This is on a good day. Other days there are volunteer commitments, working late, social functions, etc. The best way for me to have my workouts uninterrupted by these “extras” was to get the workout done first thing in the morning. Even still, this means going to sleep earlier so I can wake up earlier, which in turn means I’ve cut WAY back on TV. Shows axed so far this year from my DVR: American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, Gray’s Anatomy, Real Housewives (of Anywhere), Millionaire Matchmaker. Yes, I have a reality TV addiction.
2. Less crowded at the gym=more machines available and less to feel self-consious about: Peak hours at the gym are between 4pm-8pm at night. Lots of people, lots of machines in use, and lots of self-consciousness at first if it’s a new environment. Working out in the morning, I see the regulars every day, there are always plenty of machines and weights available, and there is simply no fashion show. Even though you shouldn’t be self-conscious at the gym, I know it’s something many of us struggle with. Remove that obstacle by going earlier in the day.
3. Skip the late-night endorphins: When I work out at night (doing the Just Dance 2 game, for example) I get hyped up with energy. My muscles are warm, the blood is flowing and I’m feeling good. Personally, I don’t want that feeling right before I try to go to sleep- I have enough trouble with insomnia already.
4. Get the blood flowing before work: Because of said point above about endorphins and blood flow, I can jump right into work without having to “wake up” first. I’m sure my boss appreciates that, and I feel much more productive in those first couple of hours in the morning.
5. Accomplish something awesome before 7am: Seriously- the feeling when  you get back in your car and realize that before many of your co-workers or friends have even gotten out of bed, you did 1 selfish and awesome thing for yourself. It’s an addictive feeling.

Yesterday, all through my tweet stream, I kept seeing all of these favorite bloggers of mine “exposed.” What the heck was this all about? What I saw was AMAZING.

They were all posting in response to the anniversary of the Exposed Movement, the brainchild of Mishe, who wanted to celebrate her body instead of tear it apart as we so often do.

A couple of days ago, I hated myself and my body. Sometimes, this journey of going from 455 pounds and unhealthy to somewhere at least 250 pounds lighter and fit is just too long to see the end of. All day at work, I noticed my muffin top, the big pores on my face, my legs feeling heavy. All because the scale showed me a number I didn’t like.

So looking at all these other amazing bloggers exposing themselves just made me proud. Proud to be in this community of wonderful people who support each other. Proud to be able to embrace my body as it is now, and not look at it as repulsive. I’ve had pictures up on my Progress page for a while now, but this new picture is all about celebrating the body I have right now, at this moment.  (Click “still hungry?” to see the full post if you’re viewing from the home page)

Today, I celebrate my body. This body serves me well every day and I must serve it well in return. It helped me be mobile, even at my highest weight of 455 pounds. It helped me get through one 5K, then another impromptu 5K. It gets stronger every day, and has not given up despite a short life of having gained and lost 50+ pounds at a time. It lets me shake my money maker when a good song comes on, and has just been an overall trooper.

So I celebrate my body, as it is now, and for what it will become.

Yesterday, I hated being a weight loss blogger. I have shared struggles before. I share victories as often as I can. I share lessons and stories of depression and sleep deprivation. I share. I share for me, to chronicle this long fight to the finish, and I share for others, so they feel like they aren’t alone.

But sometimes, I don’t want to share. I’m ashamed or sad. I’m distraught or spiteful. I want to crawl in my bed and put the blanket over my head. The much cleaner version of putting your head in the sand. Yesterday, I did not want to share.

via terren in Virginia on Flickr

Weight is the one thing in my life I feel like I’ve failed miserably at. I am a classic overachiever. Like all people, I want to feel special and like I’ve done something good. I really thought before yesterday morning that I did something good. I did a month long world of good.

When the scale said something different from what I thought it would, it was like taking my tiara off my head and spitting on my gold star by my name. Stripping my trophy.

I spent yesterday fuming, wondering what was wrong with my body. Something had to be wrong.

I bucked up and wrote the post. The one people emailed me and tweeted me about all day. I had built up this month long scale boycott, and it was the day of reckoning. It backfired. My trophy felt tarnished.

A couple people wrote comments on that post that threw me for a loop. I got defensive and wanted to go  back and defend myself. We always want to fix people, but sometimes we need to figure things out for ourselves. I have never been great at taking criticism. I bit my tongue and tried to go to sleep, hoping the next day would bring some revelations.

This morning, I got up early and put on my big girl pants. I went to the gym and did my weight training routine. This body, which was performing things I never thought possible, wasn’t broken. What WAS wrong, however, was completely my fault. It IS possible to eat too much of the good stuff. I simply ate too much of the good stuff. This mistake was on ME. This was complacency on my part just assuming that what I was eating was the correct portion size. Yesterday in the middle of my fuming, I went out and bought a food scale. When I have used it the past 3 meals, it’s evident to me that I was WAY overeating, even if it was “good stuff.” Lesson learned.

2 days ago, I was strong and fit.

Yesterday, I was strong and fit.

Today, I am strong and fit.

The knowledge that the scale said a number I didn’t like turned me into someone I didn’t like. Someone in denial and someone who wants to hide from the world. Someone who forgets how hard she’s worked to get to where she is now. Someone who can flip back into her shell like the old 455 pound version who didn’t ever leave the house and ate ridiculous amounts of food and got no exercise. A diseased obese person.

So today, I’m back to fat and fit.  I’m making progress at my own pace. Will you join me?

All I hear from the media about obesity is how it is killing us, giving us high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. While this is the case for some, it makes me upset. Am I supposed to feel shamed for being fat? I work out 5 days a week and eat healthy- how are these good fitness deeds erased by one sweeping categorization as being morbidly obese based on my height and weight?

A lot of this goes back to still trying to find confidence in this body that I have NOW, not waiting for it to come with the body I’m working to get. I may never get to an “ideal” weight for my body, but what I will do is continue to exercise and eat well to keep myself healthy.

Even sitting at the airport a couple of weeks ago, the CNN on the TVs were blasting in surround sound at the gate about increasing rates of diabetes among the growing obese population in the US. Of course I got panicked and start to think all eyes were turning to me and my seatbelt-extender-needing-ass. This is what sparked the whole blog post of “You don’t know me-” written about my insecurities when I’m out of my comfort zone. The fears of judgement – people looking at you like you’re a drain on society, on the healthcare system, etc. I have been morbidly obese and unhealthy before, and will freely admit that. But right now I’m morbidly obese and healthy. Isn’t that an oxymoron? Here I go talking about unicorns again!

But oh how I was surprised this morning when I saw a tweet from health at every size (HAES) blogger Fatshionista with a YouTube video attached. She also noted that Big Fat Blog posted it. These bloggers probably don’t like me much because I have “skinny” in my name (even though that’s not the goal here) and I’m actively trying to lose weight, but I’m linking anyway because I read them and want to give credit where due. Anyway, this is a YouTube video of US Surgeon General Dr. Regina Benjamin talking about health.

Check out the video, it’s super short- 40 seconds.

Did you just see what I saw??? A UNICORN? No! It’s the top public health official in the United States telling me *gasp* I can be healthy at this weight!

Can I get an “AMEN?!”

*slow exhale*

I really, honestly squealed when I saw this. As THE authority and representative for public health issues in the United States, I felt validated. I can be fit and fat.

I wanted to scream it from the rooftops: “Look! I’m not crazy! I can be fit and fat! WOO!”

So I’m sharing here with you, my friends. I’m fit and fat. Spread the word!

Another week has past, another week where I have no idea what I weigh! I must say, this no-scale experiment has gone better than expected, however I know that come tomorrow morning I’ll want to hop on and take it for a spin. Don’t worry, I won’t. 1 more week until my weigh in, surely I can last.

The Good: My goals were to get back to routine and consistency in my workouts and eating. I have to say I achieved both. Yes, part of this was a function of being home and not on the road, but I also managed to stay (for the most part) pretty stress-free in relation to previous weeks. I did not over-commit myself and spread myself too thin. I got all 5 of 5 workouts in, and ate on-plan.

The Bad: There were a few instances of low carb ice cream mixed with natural peanut butter (it tastes like a Reeses peanut butter cup!) to curb  some hormonal cravings, but it really wasn’t THAT bad. I also had some honeycrisp apples (they’re like crack) which are kind of carby, but calorie-wise, I’m calling them a healthy treat.

The Ugly: I still don’t feel like I’m getting enough sleep. I *look* tired and my energy throughout the day isn’t sustained. I wasn’t stressed out, but am dealing with some insomnia, so I will continue focusing on remedying that.

Overall: Overall, I’ll give this week a 8/10. I am pleased with my workouts and with my eating for the most part. No binges or crazy out of control anything. I’m just worried about my sleep. I did get a little bit caught up this weekend, so hopefully it will be better next week.  All in all, I FEEL good about my body, and I have insane squishy fat going on right now, so maybe that means I’m losing something.

This Week’s Plan: I will continue to focus on routine and consistency with my eating and exercise. I will not try to take on too many commitments this week, however there are a few things already on my calendar, plus hubs’ birthday is Friday. Try to improve on sleep.