Removing Pain and Shame

March 5, 2013

Today I had my second appointment my new podiatrist to get my fancy new insoles that will hopefully help heal my still-inflamed tendon for good. I wore ridiculously awful fitting shoes in New York, so my tendon was really inflamed again and I got a medicated wrap and an order for 4 days back in my old friend:

boot100

Not nearly as bad as it looks. This is just keeping the wrapping on nice and snug so the swelling goes down.

Even though I have lingering tendon pain (and it’s quite annoying), I realized when I got home from New York how much less pain my body was in after the travel and some walking around.

You see, in my past, anytime I went out of town or even did something slightly beyond the norm for me (which was being completely sedentary all the time), my body would hurt. Not just a nagging knee pain or feet swelling. I’m talking full blown edema in the legs where it feels like your skin is going to stretch open. Shoes would barely fit on the trip home. My bones – not just my joints – would ache so deep down it was like a painful itch you just can’t scratch no matter what. The morning after a little extra movement meant starting the day bent over at a 90 degree angle wondering how the hell my lower back was going to let me stand upright. Each step would feel like little knives jabbing into my heels, with the pain radiating through my body while I tried to keep a smile on my face. It’s like trying to pat your head and rub your belly at the same time.

When I got home from the airport on this latest trip, I threw off my shoes (which were pointy-toed and completely inappropriate to have worn so long, no matter where I was) and then marched up the stairs carrying my suitcase. When I put the suitcase on the bed to unpack it, I just laughed because I never remember not having leg, knee, or back pain after a trip, and I definitely never brought my bag up. No pain plus extra energy? Win!

The amazing Holly of 300 Pounds Down wrote a post called “Remembering the Pain” and I cried as I read it not just because it SO ACCURATELY describes the pain I used to have, but it also celebrates the recognition that the pain is gone. I really recommend you read it. Even if you’ve never been over 400 pounds or felt this pain, it will just make you feel good.

one step at a time

Tiffany of Dance, Lift, Run posted a wonderful, must-read post called “The Real Me.” It struck a deep chord within as I struggle to find equilibrium between being exactly who I am, but also having a huge part of my identity tied to how much weight I lose.

Listen: I have struggles just like everyone else. I’ve felt great with my workouts and so-so-but-getting-better with my eating. But I know people want to see “results” from me. They’re not happening on the scale right now. I have to be okay with that. I know what I’m doing to improve my health, and those around me see it.  But I need to celebrate these victories and continually remind myself of how far I’ve come. Pain free is a major win, so I’m patting myself on the back and celebrating it.

  • http://twitter.com/artsyrakel Rakel

    Forget about what people expect of you. You don’t need that kind of pressure! Your life is not entertainment. Your goal in this journey above all is health, so being pain free is definitely cause for celebration!! :)

    • http://www.skinnyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Thank you so much – I love that you said “your life is not entertainment” because that is 100% correct.

  • http://twitter.com/lessofless Less of Less

    I have such a problem with finding shoes that fit properly, I just know I am going to screw my feet up one day.

    I’m glad you are okay with your results. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You have measure your own success, don’t let anyone else do it for you.

    • http://www.skinnyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Thanks. The lack of cute wide width shoes really bums me out. It’s gotten better in recent years, but I’m already to the point that I have a bunion from stuffing my feet into tiny shoes. Maddening!

  • http://twitter.com/lottalatte Denise Elliott

    I can definitely relate to coming home from an experience involving lots of movement (or any movement, really) and being in pain afterwards. I used to have to take an Advil every night we visited Disneyland before I went to bed or else I’d wake up hobbling and wouldn’t be able to get up and go again. We’re going to Disneyland next week and I’ve only lost 15 pounds so far but I’m really hoping that will make things less painful.

    • http://www.skinnyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      ooh, have an awesome time at Disney! 15 pounds could make a world of difference. Have fun!

  • http://www.worldclasslasik.com/manhattan-lasik-center-must-ask-questions Manhattan LASIK Center

    You are not doing it because of other people, you are doing it for your health. You need to keep that in mind.

    • http://www.skinnyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Thanks :)

    • cindy

      I’ll second Manhattan on that. Do it for nobody else but yourself and your health. I too had a problem with my weight. I know it isn’t an easy journey to lose weight. It took months of dieting, exercise and immense self discipline to lose the extra weight. Oh, I forgot to mention a pill which was recommended by a friend. Its called Liproxenol. It helped curb my appetite so hunger pangs became less of a struggle. And it allowed me to burn more calories than normal. All these contributed to my weight loss. But bottom line is, you and only you, will make it happen.

  • Brenda

    While I agree that you are not doing this for anyone but yourself, how long do we cheer you on before we no longer believe you are serious about losing weight? It seems like you have so many perks being skinnyemmie the fat girl, why bother with pretending you would want anything different?

    • Kenlie

      It’s impossible to understand how hard it is to lose such an incredible amount of weight without experiencing periods of emotional growth, healing and change that doesn’t involve the scale unless you’ve ever been in such a position. (If you have been in that position, then shame on you.)

      It’s also hard to explain to those who have never been over 400 pounds how good we can feel after dropping over 100 pounds, but I understand because I’m in a similar position. There’s incredible freedom in feeling better than we did as we carried significantly more weight.

      Emmie is intelligent, friendly, driven and wonderful. She allows you and her other readers into her life, but she doesn’t force you to be here. You choose to click on her site. You choose to take time out of your day to see what she’s up to.

      She is beautiful inside and out, and the blogosphere is lucky to have her. Feel free to stop cheering and/or believing in her because I will, and countless others will too.

      • Shelladawn

        Bravo Kenlie, well said.

  • LHA

    You are incredibly generous to share your journey with us, and also very brave to be honest about the struggles along the way. I totally know you are serious about losing weight because you have worked so hard at it and continued in spite of less-than-hoped for results. Losing weight, whether a small amount or a large amount is a very complex and difficult task. Also, each of us is different. We all carry our own baggage and different sets of problems into the task. Whether it is an eating disorder, emotional issues, health problems or all of the above we have to deal with all of those things and still try to navigate the different weight loss plans (all of which have proponents saying THIS IS THE ONLY WAY), find exercise we can tolerate and try to keep our head above water every single day. Once we lose any amount of weight, the struggle to keep that weight off is added also. This is not easy!!

    Emmie, I will cheer you on from here to eternity. You are fighting this battle every day and are kind enough to take us along. I think you are inspiring and I thank you for taking the time and effort to keep your blog going. Good luck and hang in there! Congratulations on having less pain and increased energy.s

    • http://www.skinnyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Thank you so, so much. I appreciate these words more than you know.

  • metheist

    Thanks for this post. Since gaining almost 60lbs in 2yrs, I have developed horrible pain, edema, and most recently hip joint pain. I know that it is because of my weight, but I continue to not do anything to change it. I want to get to the point where I can say, “I remember the pain.”

    • http://www.skinnyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      It’s hard to realize how much better you’ll feel until you get to that point where all of a sudden you realize – “hey wait a minute, I don’t have pain!” It is a wonderful feeling though. Wishing you all the best.

  • nsmdphd108

    In response to Brenda’s comment: No person who is obese likes being so, no matter how many “perks” he or she receives. Have you done what Emmy is trying to do? Making a lifestyle change in order to change one’s weight is difficult and takes constant commitment over months/years/the rest of one’s life.

    • Shelladawn

      Here here.

      • http://www.skinnyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

        Thanks :)

    • http://www.skinnyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Thank you, I appreciate you :)

  • http://twitter.com/HauteCurvy Tovah

    Keep fighting the good fight. You’re doing great. I believe the reason why a case of plantar fasciitis turned into a broken foot was because I was just carrying too much weight. I spent so much time in that big boot, I thought I would go crazy.
    Comfort for me feet now is crucial. Not so interested in ‘cute’ shoes as the pain for me is not worth it.
    Wishing you all the best in your continued recovery.

  • http://twitter.com/NghbrhdTrainers Glenn Dickstein

    My wife wears flat shoes that can fit into her purse and when she gets to the office or a meeting she switches to her heels. I am sure this has saved many a day of pain.

  • Sara Berard

    Hey Emmie- I just wanted to post because I typically lurk. I LOVE the gwynnie bee posts because I love seeing someone around my weight actually rock cute clothing- we’d all love to look like one of the five plus-size models all the companies basically recycle who are tipping the scales at 188, but what they look like in clothes is not exactly what ‘we’ look like in clothes. So thank you for that. I also wrote about guilt and shame this weekend which started back in the first grade for me, and I just wanted to let you know that your blog is helpful and inspiring. chunkyrants.blogspot.com

  • Alisha john

    enjoy ur life, forget about everything else.

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  • http://twitter.com/WanderingAngie Wandering Angie

    I got insoles a few years ago and haven’t looked back since. I had all sorts of knee pain and hated walking and activity, now I am part of running club! Hope they work well for you :)

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