Refreshing Exhaustion

January 2, 2013

My first post for 2013 is going to be free-written, without planning, proofing, pretense, or regard for what people might think. I’m someone who is always hyper-aware of what others are thinking of me, and 99% of the time, I decide that people are thinking negative things about me, without any evidence that they are. This is more of a reflection of the negativity I have about myself than anyone else, and it’s exhausting.

image via tarafirma on instagram

image via tarafirma on instagram

Thinking about my weight all the time can be exhausting. I’ve been thinking about it since I was in kindergarten and the pattern I observed is that the more I overanalyze it, the more I screw up in some way. I lose the actual reasons behind why I’m eating what I eat and why I exercise. I pull an Eeyore and hang my head down with my tail between my legs because it gets overwhelming. Truth be told: I’m making something easy and with good intentions overwhelming because I make it too complicated in my head.

I spent the tail end of 2012 in “last supper” mode, where I could forgive myself for eating pizza and ice cream because I wouldn’t allow myself to touch it after 1/1/13. This mentality is pretty indicative of my troubled relationship with food – it’s all deprivation or over-indulgence. The spectrum of “good vs. bad” is always around, when it really shouldn’t be. I work hard to break these chains and these lines of thinking, and 2013 will be no different.

Thankfully, hitting several moments of mental exhaustion means that I’ve had a good chuckle and “what the hell” kind of moment. When you can laugh off the insanity you put yourself through, it’s easy to become more focused and oddly refreshed. It’s like when your computer gets slowed down by all of those temporary files and you need to clear it all to speed things up again. Get rid of the junk.

So simply:

  • I choose to eat what makes me feel good physically and mentally. Not what makes me feel temporarily happy or numb, but what makes my body feel vibrant vs. sluggish and my mind feel awake vs. cloudy.
  • I choose to exercise because it makes me feel good physically and mentally. It reduces my physical pain and gives me the endurance I need to live without physical limitations.

I talk a lot about “remembering the why” behind motivation. I also have talked about the awesome opportunity we have for an anytime reset. Let’s hit the reset button now. Get rid of the clutter in our minds and the excuses behind why we can’t do what we put our minds to. We’re stronger together than we are on our own.

Huzzah.

Do you have anything you want to share?

  • http://drmarctagon.com/ Dr. Marctagon

    Great post…I can relate to many of those same feelings and I applaud your admission of them…so let’s do it, let’s reset! Not because it’s a new year, but because it’s time, right now is time!

  • Obese Traveler

    You’re dealing with the same feelings people -whether thin or obese- deal with day in & out. During my journey I’ve castigated myself for failing to lose weight, failing to eat right, failing to exercise. But then I get over it and keep going by forgiving myself and moving on. Have an awesome new year. I’ll be here reading your posts. You’re an inspiration!

  • Angela@HoneyIShrunktheMom

    Oh yes, I think many of us who struggle with our weight face those same obstacles; mind games. Best wishes to you on your journey into the new year!

  • http://twitter.com/LisaEirene Lisa Eirene

    I agree. It is absolutely exhausting thinking about it all the time. I told my boyfriend on Christmas Eve that I was sick of counting my calories and not being able to just eat whatever I want! Sometimes I just get burned out.

  • melissalywc

    I love this post Emily – and so many people struggle with the same mentality. I think it’s great that you are writing this one for YOU (only) – and hope you are able to do more of the same in 2013.

  • http://twitter.com/300poundsdown 300 Pounds Down

    I totally agree! I am glad I am not the only one who is convinced people might think ‘this’ or ‘that’ about me with no evidence. Maybe I’m paranoid or maybe I’ve just lived in a large body so long that stares from some people have made me paranoid. But I like what you said about your motivation to work out. How you do it because it reduces physical pain and gives you endurance to live without physical limitations. So many people look at exercise purely for a calorie burn and for me that is just not enough of a motivation. But getting out of physical pain?? YES! It is so weird to think that we have to be in some physical pain during a workout to get out of physical pain. You are so on the money though with this!! I totally relate and I love what you say about the reset button. I must keep mine at the edge of my bed and hit it daily!!

  • Katie J

    I completely agree! Happy new year!

  • missionmeltdown

    Wow, Emmie. I’m feelin’ this post more than you know. Especially, “last supper” mode. Reset. Happy 2013.

  • LosingMyScrap

    Wow! You took the thoughts right out of my head! I am constantly thinking about the things people are probably (not) thinking about me. It’s totally ridiculous if you think about it because if people spent as much time thinking about me as much as I think they are thinking about me, well, they may as well be me. It’s so silly how we project our own feelings about ourselves onto other people.
    And I’ve had a lot of “last suppers” in the last month too.
    You are not alone.

  • Paula Sanders

    Hi Emmie! I am a new reader – I found you as I was searching for positive resources for my renewed (reset) journey to drop 100 lbs in 2013. I am vibing with your thoughts. So tired of thinking about being fat, I think I will just change it! I have started a personal blog about my journey at http://614newme.blogspot.com if anyone is interested. Thanks for sharing your self with us.

  • forever body transformation

    I’m loving your spontaniety! lol. Keep it up!

  • Tammy1409

    Oh, Emmie…..we are SO MUCH alike! 2012 was the year of “I’ll start fresh on Monday”, which resulted in me gaining at least an additional 15 pounds. I am so stuck in my head with the battle of “good” vs. “bad”, trying to be “perfectly” on plan and unrealistic expectations. I need a big time “RESET”!!!

  • Jennifer S.

    I’m in reset mode also. Beating myself up for “YOLO 2012″ is over. I will eat good things so my body has good fuel, and I will exercise so my body works properly. No more, no less. After struggling for my whole life with obesity and self-image, its time to reset!

    PS Got my knee high boots for Christmas and they are instant rock-star (just add sass!). Thanks for the advice.

  • Jenny Lundstrom

    I can absolutely relate, and received a mini motivation boost from your post! It’s all about being kind and having a little bit of compassion on ourselves! I’m convinced we would never judge anyone as harshly as we judge ourselves. Great post!

  • metheist

    I think that it is amazing how lonely and isolated we tend to feel–as though we are alone in our walk. We look at other people and think that they have it together. However, when we are able to catch a glimpse of who they really are, we realize that we travel similar paths, that we are fallible humans trying to be the best that we can. Reading these posts has helped me to remember that it is only when we partner together, holding each other up, whether in moments of weakness and insecurity, or in moments of laughter and camaraderie, that we become who and what we were meant to be–a community.

  • http://twitter.com/lottalatte Denise Elliott

    This is a post I needed to read, so thanks for sharing, Emmie. I’ve been doing the “I’ll eat this now but then never again” crazy dance in my head, too, and now I’m back to binge eating instead of the relative stability I had achieved before the holidays started. I choose to eat foods that feed my body so that I feel better – love it!

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  • ELS74

    I can so relate to many points in this post. As I start 2013 I find myself struggling to find peace with food and my thoughts about food. I also spent much of 2012 in “last supper” mode and vowed that I would stop in the new year…alas I continue to find excuses to allow myself to eat without being present in the moment and stuffing the emotions with food. Your post helps if for no other reason knowing that I am not alone in my struggles and that we are capable of doing what is best for ourselves. Body, mind and spirit. I have been reading your blog for several months now and have found that I relate to so many of your experiences. Thanks for sharing.

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