The Loser Identity

October 24, 2012

This is one of those posts that I’m not quite sure will come out right no matter how I phrase it, so I’m just going stream-of-consciousness style right now.

I love being identified as a loser. A weight loser. Someone who has worked hard to shed pounds. The more I think about it, however, the more I realize that it’s actually more about self-validation and reassurance than having others think of me as someone who is working hard.

When you weigh as much as I did (and still do), every step out the door brings incredible insecurities. You think of all the strangers who take a look at you and make a snap judgement about your health, motivation, and willpower. I’ve lived as the super obese girl for so long and worked hard with academics and work to make up for my physical shortcomings. Now as someone who has ventured out into business on her own and is faced with new people and situations more regularly (which are a good thing), I am feeling insecure with those who don’t know my story.

This blog gives me a chance to show exactly what I’m doing. It helps me express and visually show my hard work, and I hope I’m busting some myths (only thin=healthy). I look at it as a whole and am really proud. Strip me of that and I am just an insecure obese girl that worries about snap decisions being made. I hold my breath and pray that no one says anything to my face that will send me into a binge eating frenzy, or into the bathroom trying to figure out how to stop the tears.

Take away the happiness and strength I get from this blog and you’re taking away my security blanket. When I can throw on my cape and say “yes! I did a half marathon! I exercise hard! I still struggle, but I’ll keep working at it until I die!,” it gives me confidence and strength. But when people can’t SEE it, and just see jiggles and wide hips and my occasional food slip-up where they think that’s how I eat 24/7, I turn into a girl just trying to be invisible.

I don’t want to be invisible, and I don’t want to be defined by my size. Right now I’m trying to work hard on holding my head high and appreciating my accomplishments no matter what others might think. If they choose to judge this book by its cover, then it’s their loss.

Thank you for helping me find strength. xoxo

  • lori

    I know this feeling! You hold your head high and remember all you’ve accomplished AND what a great person you are in general. There are many petty people out there and you can rise above them. (I tell myself this too). :) Thanks for your posts!

  • http://www.facebook.com/christine.hunsicker.3 Christine Hunsicker

    Hi Emmie – I think this is a beautiful post. It’s honest and true. And it’s a very good reminder for all of us to never judge a book by its cover. You need to read the whole story first. You are an inspiration to many people – it’s posts like these that make us connect with you, cheer for you, and understand ourselves better. I love your blog for this.

  • http://twitter.com/AMoreConsciousE A More Conscious E

    thank you for posting this. You so eloquently expressed how I feel. I almost feel like I HAVE to tell people my story just so they don’t make snap judgments. You are awesome, and such an inspiration. Please know that you rock, whether you gain or lose or slip up or eat perfectly well. You gave me courage to share my journey and I’m humbled by your honesty.

  • http://www.dietgirl.org Shauna

    I so know this feeling too… beautifully put, Emmie :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/bernadette.robin Bernadette C. Robin

    I’ve been on a weight loss plateau for three weeks and have felt exactly this–that I needed to tell people how far I’ve come. Self acceptance–as we are right now is a hard lesson to learn but one that is so freeing.

  • http://www.300poundsdown.com/ 300poundsdown

    I actually had someone tell me once when they found out that I had a Masters degree…”Wow! I never would have thought that about you”…I weighed over 400 pounds at the time. Does my weight equal my intelligence? To many it does. Thank you for this post. I totally relate!!!!

  • Skunkie

    I think to an extent we all do this. I try to dazzle people with my humor, my interests, my writing; anything to divert their attention from my stomach, my chins, my ever expanding butt. I hate leaving the house because I know people are judging me from a distance, before I get to dazzle them with my ‘personality’ they’ve already decided I’m not good enough.

    I try to follow and get inspired by the fat acceptance crowd, but honestly I want to lose weight. It’s painful, incapacitating and I just can’t live at this size.

    I’m inspired that you are working on appreciating yourself without the need of others acceptance. Maybe I’ll try that too.

  • Pisquared

    This post hits very close to home and I often feel this way. I think this is the reason why I am always trying to achieve so much in my life (working on my Master’s and full marathon). Dislike that we live in a world where people judge by the cover of the book rather than seeing how people are on the inside. One of my biggest challenges is trying to prove to myself that I am just as good as everyone else. Love love love your blog, so motivational for me<3

  • http://twitter.com/TheRunnerDad The Runner Dad

    Do your thing girl! You’re an inspiration to so many people!

  • galfriday4hire

    I know exactly what you are talking about and i didnt really understand until i lost the weight if that makes sense. I have been on a health transformation for the last 15 months and I have lost 50 pounds and the physical change has been dramatic. People react more to the outside changes than the inside ones. I am more proud of those internal ones! You can never go back to being invisible. You are an inspiration.

  • http://www.FitandFreeEmily.com Emily

    Wouldn’t it be nice if we could walk around with a little sign that says “I’ve lost X pounds. I don’t need your judgement.” I feel like that a lot.

    • http://www.theopinionatedgirl.com/ Laurel Walker

      Yes… I feel like that, too, and I’m not “super obese” to use Emily’s words. I’m medically overweight for my height but I love my body when I’m alone with it and when my husband reminds me how much he loves it. It doesn’t help that there are particular people in my life that like to remind me just how imperfect I am and how unloveable I should be.
      http://www.theopinionatedgirl.com

  • http://www.theopinionatedgirl.com/ Laurel Walker

    This post on Eat the Damn Cake today reminds me of this post.
    http://www.eatthedamncake.com/2012/10/25/stop-judging-my-diamond-ring-i-already-know-im-a-bad-rebel/

    Judgment is far too common.

  • Karen

    I agree, Emmie! Most people wouldn’t blink an eye at a thin person eating fried foods or a huge slice of cake (even though they might have high cholesterol or diabetes), but would roll their eyes at a larger person eating a frozen dessert (which might be suger-free or non-fat). This is a very sad commentary on our world.

  • Amy Primorac

    I love this post. Thank you for putting into words what I so often feel. I work hard, and it’s so often something that I don’t think my friends see or realize; they just see the chubby girl who sometimes eats and drinks too much. ((((hugs)))) to you!

  • Jamie

    You are a brave woman! I understand completely about weight and also my health issues. I have a disease that attacks my throat and when I move I sound like a moose. Talk about having people star at you. I know you probably here this all the time, but what does it matter how others see you. Snap judgments do not just happen to the overweight, I make them too and nine times out of ten my assumptions are wrong. Keep on fighting for you and know that you are worth fighting for. Remember to breathe and even if you did something small that small thing does make a difference. Keep writing and going.

  • http://twitter.com/lottalatte Denise Elliott

    You inspire me, Emmie – your strength and determination, your unwillingness to compromise or settle, and your raw honesty are all things I’m working on, so keep on being fabulous (and writing about it)!

  • angelahoneyishrunkthemom

    Emmie, I love this post! Some times I look at myself and think, “Look how far you’ve come!” and other times I look at myself and think, “You are still so, very overweight. Gross.” and then I start thinking that other people have to be thinking the same things… Why oh why do we put ourselves through that? :/

  • Annie Wu

    I think you’re awesome. I’ve been through and still going through a lot of the same experiences as you and I recently started my own blog to deal with some of my eating issues. I’m really happy to have found your blog because it allows me to feel like I’m part of a community that is supportive of each other in our weight struggles. Thanks!

  • Sharon (mimigettingfit.com)

    I’m so glad I found your blog! You are such an inspiration!!! I love being a loser too! As a compulsive overeater and binger, I totally relate to those terrible feelings that come along with being overweight. I think you are amazing!

  • Joyful Shimmy

    First off THANK YOU! Your honesty and this post has come in at the perfect timing for me. I have been struggling with my own personal demons due to isolation that it’s out of my control (Sandy). I realized that it starts with me in a place of acceptance. That I am in this journey that will be full of twist and turns. At the end of the day I can remember all of the amazing accomplishment i have done which reminds me that I can do anything that I want. Just lovingly surrender the outcome.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Azulay5600 Yossi Azulay Yossi

    Could you email me with any hints & tips on how you made this website look like this , I would appreciate it.

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