This is one of those posts that I’m not quite sure will come out right no matter how I phrase it, so I’m just going stream-of-consciousness style right now.
I love being identified as a loser. A weight loser. Someone who has worked hard to shed pounds. The more I think about it, however, the more I realize that it’s actually more about self-validation and reassurance than having others think of me as someone who is working hard.
When you weigh as much as I did (and still do), every step out the door brings incredible insecurities. You think of all the strangers who take a look at you and make a snap judgement about your health, motivation, and willpower. I’ve lived as the super obese girl for so long and worked hard with academics and work to make up for my physical shortcomings. Now as someone who has ventured out into business on her own and is faced with new people and situations more regularly (which are a good thing), I am feeling insecure with those who don’t know my story.
This blog gives me a chance to show exactly what I’m doing. It helps me express and visually show my hard work, and I hope I’m busting some myths (only thin=healthy). I look at it as a whole and am really proud. Strip me of that and I am just an insecure obese girl that worries about snap decisions being made. I hold my breath and pray that no one says anything to my face that will send me into a binge eating frenzy, or into the bathroom trying to figure out how to stop the tears.
Take away the happiness and strength I get from this blog and you’re taking away my security blanket. When I can throw on my cape and say “yes! I did a half marathon! I exercise hard! I still struggle, but I’ll keep working at it until I die!,” it gives me confidence and strength. But when people can’t SEE it, and just see jiggles and wide hips and my occasional food slip-up where they think that’s how I eat 24/7, I turn into a girl just trying to be invisible.
I don’t want to be invisible, and I don’t want to be defined by my size. Right now I’m trying to work hard on holding my head high and appreciating my accomplishments no matter what others might think. If they choose to judge this book by its cover, then it’s their loss.