External Validation

September 13, 2012

Self-doubt. We all have it at times, but it’s such a funny thing. If you’re anything like me, you ride a perpetual roller coaster of self-doubt. Sometimes we are riding high for a while, but eventually you reach the peak and come pummeling down the other side, right?

Not necessarily.

I’m not a risk taker by any stretch of the imagination. When I was a kid, I didn’t want to go on the monkey bars because I was afraid I’d fall off. In college, I wanted to know how to do the best at my major and not do anything that would jeopardize that (um, like having fun). I grew up in a family where you were supposed to do things by the book so that others would think you are successful. The opinions of other people were seemingly more important than those I had of myself. It’s wrong to hold yourself in high regard because that means you won’t work as hard. When I was done with getting my MBA, the next step that was mentioned to me was law school. You know, because 1 graduate degree isn’t enough.

Of course looking back, I know this isn’t the case. Sure, some creature comforts are nice, and being able to support yourself and your family is pretty necessary. What’s not necessary is the constant worry that you’re not good enough. When people on the outside do tell you you’re good enough, you smile but don’t really believe them. When people hint you’re not good enough, it can launch you into a spiral of doom so deep you need a life jacket to buoy you to the surface.

There are lots of ways that I’ve looked for external validation. With this weight loss/fitness journey, validation was from the scale. When it stopped moving, I was a failure. With my blog, if no one visits, it’s a failure of my writing. With my business, if things are slow then I’m a loser who is failing at not just work, but life.

This week, something really insignificant in the grand scheme of things happened. I mean, REALLY insignificant. I found out I didn’t get an award that I thought I would get. That little symbol of validation was denied. I started crying.

My mind told me I was a mega loser and that I needed to eat some cookies to feel better (hello former binge eating personality!)

Thankfully I knew better than to eat the cookies, but the “loser” tag I gave myself wasn’t as easy to deny. Rationally, I knew this wasn’t the case. Instinctively though, years of using external validation as a predictor of success made me have an intense physical and mental reaction to this news. 

A few days have passed and I can now laugh about my severe reaction to something really, really trivial. It’s yet another lesson I need to learn in order to live the life I want to.

This is my new goal:

image source

Hahaha! Who’s with me?

  • http://twitter.com/TheBoldBlend Barbara Davis

    This post really spoke to me. Oh my, here’s to badass unicorns.

  • http://musingsofmaia.blogspot.com/ Maia

    YES!!! I’ve actually posted several times on facebook over the last week “I’m a unicorn!” It’s the way that I’m making myself feel better about having everyone stare at me.

    Great minds. We’re unicorns!!

  • Elisabeth

    This post really spoke to me, this is exactly how I feel. Thank you! My eternal weight-and-bodyimage journey has been gong badly for a while now and I am sick of being worried about how that will affect totally unrelated events. Now I want to be a unicorn with you instead.

  • KCLAnderson (Karen)

    I am SO with you :-)

    It’s funny…my husband I were talking about the things we and others do and whether we do those things for internal validation or for external validation. And when you start thinking about it…the things we do purely for ourselves are really the things that matter.

  • http://www.facebook.com/johanna.eppley Johanna Eppley

    hahaha thanks for sharing that post not only did it speak to my personality too but it made me laugh. OH badass unicorn you GO

  • http://profiles.google.com/msgracechang Grace Chang

    Great post :)

    I psych myself out now and then when I second guess my success. When that happens, I fake it until I make it even when I’m not feeling it.

  • LHA

    I think that our very fragile sense of our own worth comes from being told from childhood that we are substandard because we are not slender. As women, this is even truer than for men. Every possible put down has been hurled our way, from the playground taunts of other children to the disapproving comments by even well meaning adults. “You are overweight. You are not good enough. You need to improve yourself in order to be accepted.” And improvement always meant weight loss! It’s not that it is undesirable to lose weight, it is just that it is impressed on us over and over that we are not “good” or “right” or “desirable” until that happens. This is so untrue! Good health and fitness are desirable goals but people are not worthless or inferior if they have not achieved them. All of us should strive every day to feel good about ourselves and our abilities and what we have accomplished in life. If we are still on a journey of self improvement that’s fine, but stop and feel good about the person you are today also. Thanks for a great post, Emmie.

  • http://twitter.com/StarvingDiva StarvingDiva

    I think this happens to a lot of us out here in the world. I am the same way. When the scale doesn’t move I am a loser. My parents always were great to me, I’m not sure how I developed this negative exchange with myself. I’m slowly working my way out of it, I am currently in the process of reading the book The Beck Diet Solution, it’s not a “diet” with suggestions on food, it’s all about what tapes we run in our head and how to change the way you think about yourself, food etc. I think it will really help.

  • http://twitter.com/LisaEirene Lisa Eirene

    External validation actually helps a lot. When I was trying to lose 100 pounds I knew it would be a hard task and having people in my life (friends, family, coworkers) periodically cheer me on and say “you look great, keep going” kept me motivated! It made me feel positive about my progress and I learned to love my body at each stage of the weight loss because of the positivity I was getting.

  • http://seja.co/ Seja_LiveLaughLove

    Thank you so much for your post! I really needed this in my life right now, your right. It is so easy to transfer the blame onto ourselves instead of giving ourselves props and acknowledging that life can be…well…life. :-)

  • Janice

    Sometimes you need a stranger’s experience to validate your own, and sometimes that stranger will tell you to look for a badass unicorn in the mirror. I really appreciate you putting this out there and making us feel a little less like losers and a little more like human beings.

  • http://twitter.com/dose_of_me Joanna

    Wow. I am amazed at how honest you are with yourself and in this post. Seeking and depending on external validation is definitely a huge problem I have. And I’m honestly at a loss for how to fix it.

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