Regaining

June 6, 2012

A few years ago at my highest weight, I remember watching the story of David Smith, on the TLC documentary, “The 650-pound Virgin.”  It was one of those “if he can do it, I can do it” moments where I watched in awe and admiration as he lost over 400 pounds. Today, Alan posted on Instagram a screenshot from an interview David did with the Today Show this morning, having gained over 300 pounds of his weight back.

My heart broke for him because I’ve been there before. Pre-2006, my highest weight was 445, 10 pounds under what my highest weight in 2009 was (when I started this journey). In 2005 and 2006, I lost 140 pounds. I did it with zero exercise and with eating a super strict low carbohydrate plan. I remember thinking back to how easy I thought it was at times.

last photo from June, 2006

In 2007, I quit my full time job and went to graduate school. I maintained my weight pretty well, but didn’t lose anything else. Then came the big 3 events that dropped my ass back on the ground: burying my mom, getting married, and losing a job. (Not that the getting married was hard, but it gave me a reason to “relax” when the wedding was over).

Over the course of the next 8 months, I gained all my 140 pounds back, PLUS 10 more pounds. Worse than square one – I was at square zero.

It happened so quickly and in such a mindless manner that I didn’t realize what was happening until I hit 400 pounds again. It took a while for me to realize that I had just quit life. Depression and anxiety overtook my daily activities, insecurities had their grip, and I let them pull me down into my binges of massive piles of cheese fries with extra ranch dressing and fried chicken fingers with french fries and honey mustard. I ate so I didn’t have to feel anything. Eating was easy. Living was hard.

Once I decided to start fighting the demons, I knew that I had to do it differently than before. I wanted to focus on fitness and health versus just the numbers on the scale. I wanted to move with ease and keep up with others. I truly think that is why this go-round will be successful. I already feel so much better and have accomplished so much more physically than when I weighed even less than what I do now. The road to a lower number on the scale has been much longer than my previous attempt, but that’s on me. I have ballooned so much that my body doesn’t know what to do. So I go with it.

I’m training my body to live a life that it’s never known.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=75200846 Laura Broughton

    Thanks for posting this, Emmie. I lost 48 pounds over from July 2010 to July 2011, and I felt so amazing. Then I started to lose control of my extremely strict counting every calorie life because I didn’t feel like I was LIVING my life! I gained back 30 of those pounds by Christmas. All I felt was shame when seeing all of my friends, “I’m losing weight!” Facebook posts. I failed. But you (yet again) inspire. I am not a failure, I am a masterpiece in progress.

    • http://www.skinnyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Please don’t look at it as failure. You just weren’t ready yet.
      I love that you said “I am not a failure, I am a masterpiece in progress.” I couldn’t agree more. xoxo

  • JenS

    This post came at the most perfect time. I went to weight watchers for a short time last year ( a few months) and got out of the habit of going. It worked really well for me because it held me accountable to “someone” cause I knew I always had to weigh in. I just got busy and used that as an excuse. I went back last night for the first time knowing I had gained the weight back. What I didn’t expect was to gain back 30 more. It was heart breaking. I am now heavier than I have ever been (430 pounds). After being extremely depressed last night, I am looking at it as a new beginning today. To learn from my failures and to move on. Your post is spot on to a lot of what I am feeling, so bless you for putting this post/blog out there. You have been very inspirational.

    • http://www.skinnyemmie.com/ Emily Sandford

      Hi Jen – thank you for sharing your experience. The way that I think about regains has changed dramatically over the years. It used to trigger feelings of deep shame and remorse. Now, it’s easy to see back and realize that I just wasn’t ready yet.

      You weren’t ready yet, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Love that you’re living, learning, and moving on. It’s all that we can do. xoxo

  • http://profiles.google.com/msgracechang Grace Chang

    Great post. I’ve yo-yo dieted for years so I can definitely relate to people who keep on cycling. Right now is the longest I’ve kept the weight off because like you I’m training my life how to live. :) love this! You are so inspiring!

  • http://twitter.com/iheartreading Jenn

    I totally could of written this. I’m at square zero myself. I lost 80lbs then gained 20 back and then lost it again and now I’ve gained back the 80 plus another 20. Its embarrassing and frustrating but I’m ready to do this the right way this time. Thank you for sharing this.

  • http://twitter.com/LisaEirene Lisa Eirene

    Thanks for the history. I didn’t know some of that stuff.

    I lost my 110 pounds and kept it off for awhile before 15 pounds crept back on. Part of it was a medication I was taking short-term that caused weight gain and part of it was lazy eating. I stopped counting calories for awhile and ignored the scale ticking up and up. After the 15 pounds mark I realized I had to do something.

    I lost that extra 15 and I’ve maintained my current weight for 4 years. I’m so determined not to make the same mistake as last time! Having that “fire” helps. I’m sure you have it too!

  • Kim Bel

    At my WW meeting we talk about that a lot..that losing is easier than maintaining for many many people! I have also lost the weight I’m trying to lose now before. I lost 70 lbs many years ago..wanna know how??? Basically starved myself and smoked like a chimney. Never exercised. Ever. Now I’m in my late 40′s and am at it again. Happy to say I joined WW, and between that and exercising with Leslie Sansone (Walk At Home–LOVE IT!!!) I’ve lost 40 lbs since January. Still have 30 more to go, but I feel better knowing I’m doing it the right way this time. And so are you!!! We will get there, even though the road may be long and winding and we may go off-road into a ditch every now and again ;)

    Kim

    • Kim Bel

      Forgot to mention I quit smoking when I got pregnant with my son 14 years ago so that is not an issue anymore!

  • BloggingRunner

    I saw this on Today! Congrats on all of your progress! It is impressive!

  • Nurse Chubsalot

    : Things that don’t work when you are fat….

    1. Bladder, too much weight pushes on the bladder causing leaking.
    2. Pancreas….works overtime to manage all the excess sugar.
    3. Estrogen…fat raises estrogen levels and puts you at risk for cancer
    4. Skin, stretched to the limit, it thins out dangerously.
    5. Nerves, compressed between layers of fat and swelling causes numbness and poor circulation
    6. Feet, excess weight flattens your arches for a lifetime of foot pain and plantar faciitis.
    7. Knees, for every 10 lbs over weight you add 50 pound of pressure.
    8. Lungs, being overweight leads to asthma, and sleep apnea.
    9. Breasts loose ability to feel sensual touch when too large.
    10. Legs can’t be crossed or held together with extra belly weight.
    11. Things you never thought could get fat do..ear lobes, fingers, noses, labia
    12. A weak core causes sciatic nerve pain and decreases mobility.
    13. Your big belly makes it hard to wipe yourself
    14. Your big butt has a hard time fitting in places
    15. Visceral fat damages your liver, how you metabolize things, how your blood clots.
    16. Most important…being overweight makes the heart work harder causing heart failure. 1 in 4 deaths are cardiac related, mostly from heart failure. 

    I remind myself of this everyday. It’s me, it’s what I see daily in myself and my patients.

  • Steph

    I just found your blog…and i’m so happy i did! This is me right now :| I spent all of last year working out and lost 20 kilos (this may seem less for many..but for a person who has never ever been thin..and didn’t even know what thin looked like…never “gymmed” tho i am active…and maintained a zigzag diet..was a huge accomplishment)..and i moved to a new place…rather conservative place..and in just 4 months..i gained back 10! and i’m freaking out majorly..and i can’t go back to my old home..or my old weight..and for the first time..i’ve to workout at home..no gyms..no money…and i dont know how to cook :( ..but i look at u and other bloggers..and i don’t feel like i’m alone now :) so thank you..

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  • http://twitter.com/#!/pattyaizaga Patty

    I think that you are amazing! For having lost and gained it back and lost it again…you are a true inspiration. I know what that knocked on your butt feeling is all about when losing a parent. I’m trying not to lose myself in the midst of that right now. Exercise is grounding me and I’m trying to also watch my meals. I day I make about 70% of my own breakfast, lunch and dinners in a week. For me those two things are the only ones that have nothing to do with my grief, they are symbols of my old life when I had time to really focus on me. Now they are my anchors until time passes and I figure out what the next step in life is.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000571260183 Melissa McMinn

    Such an important topic. I many people assume once one hits their goal weight, it’s “smooth sailing” but if it were that easy, many of us wouldn’t be in the health and fitness predicaments we are in. If it was as easy as losing weight, there would be little problem. But it’s about a lifestyle that promotes health and wellness and puts our best needs first. It’s about finding new ways to handle emotions (even the happy ones) without food. It’s about re-defining socializing (as my family is Italian and ALL of our gatherings center around food, food, wine, and more food). Thank you so much for sharing this, Emmie! You rock!

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/IXAZJOOZMJ546DMFM6DEZMYS3M Bruce

    I am with gastric bypass no surgery called ‘Rocalabs”.
    I have 30 more pounds lo lose and I will be at my weight goal that my doctor
    agreed on. I have so much more energy now! I totally love being thin. I’m 5′
    0″ I praise each an everyone of you who’v managed to lose weight and live
    a healthier, more energetic lifestyle. It’s awesome! Keep up good work,stay
    motivated!

  • http://www.facebook.com/gwen.hollandsworth Gwen Hollandsworth

    I
    was considering a gastric bypass surgery but afraid for complications I could
    get after so I decided to start a program with gastric bypass no surgery I
    found on many blogs and reviews. The name is rocalabs. I’m crossing my
    fingers for this to work and help me lose weight real fast. :)

  • http://twitter.com/sweating_it_off Alan

    I found it to be very heart breaking as well but i could 100% relate to his story… Here to hoping to fights back!

    Miss you EM!!!!!!!

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