Postponing Joy

May 9, 2012

Rambling after too little sleep the past few nights…

How many times in life have you postponed joy because of fear?

This doesn’t have to do with weight loss or fitness necessarily – it can be anything. Going for some goal, talking to someone you admire, throwing your name in the hat for an amazing experience – they’re all things that I’ve noticed that I postpone (or avoid all together) because of fear.

Just a few of the notes of fear I’ve had this past week:

  • I’m not a good enough writer.
  • I’m not cool enough to hang out with those people.
  • I’m going to screw this up somehow.
  • I shouldn’t even ask because I know she’ll say no.
  • This is just a waste of time.
  • One of these days someone will laugh me out of the building.
  • I’m not philosophical enough to participate in this discussion.

You don’t have to know the circumstances behind them (and there are multiple). They’re not unique situations. In many instances, they’re not even situations that exist in real life yet – they’re all hypothetical things I dream about in my head that I’ve stopped myself from doing by repeating these negative affirmations.

You would think that someone who has all of these thoughts must have failed miserably multiple times or been beat down for trying too many things. This simply isn’t the case for me, and I’m sure it’s not the case for most of you. Yet somehow we can trick our minds into thinking that we’re so awful that we shouldn’t even reach for the joy that we want to experience. We end up harboring secret dreams and wishes that we will talk ourselves out of, and no one will ever know about.

Source: addicted2success.com via Sarah on Pinterest

Sidebar: As I’m writing this I was thinking of the following example to demonstrate that fear holds us back, and I just said to myself “this is dumb, no one cares about this. Find a better example.” The insanity never stops, even when you’re writing about it!

I sent out my first email newsletter this week and held my breath. I’m not sure why it was so scary – I wasn’t telling secrets or revealing anything more than what I do here on my blog. The anticipation of a negative reaction was so strong in my mind because I put it off for two years. The fear? No one would want to read it.

You know what happened? People read it. People replied to me. No one has unsubscribed from the list. I put off this joy of making a newsletter (seriously, I know it’s nerdy <– see? negative.) for two.whole.years. And you know what? If I sent the newsletter out this past week and no one read it and no one responded and everyone unsubscribed, would it be the end of the world? Hell, no. I’d abandon ship and move onto the next thing. (If you didn’t get the email newsletter, you can view it here and subscribe from that page as well)

Like many things in this weight loss journey, I’m finding that it’s ME that’s holding me back, and I’m holding myself back in tons of ways even beyond the realm of fitness.

Have you experienced this?

  • maryann

    Oh, yes, definitely been there. Still sometimes am, but getting better.

  • http://twitter.com/tiffanyjorge Tiffany Jorgensen

    Wow. This is so true for me. (i’m actually in the middle of writing a similar post) There’s a quote that goes something like, “you’ll never regret the things you tried, but you’ll always wonder about the what-ifs’ — something like that. :) Fear has left me one-step-behind many times and I’m sick of it. Great job on doing the newsletter even though you were scared!! I’m looking forward to reading more of them. :) PS: Embrace your nerdiness! I love spreadsheets and making budgets. ;)

  • kyra c

    Awesome post! Man readers will relate to what you have written. and yes I have experienced and still experience those feelings of fear and insecurities! Congratulations on your newsletter! Despite the fear you still moved forward and you should be proud!

  • Holly Schroeder

    I just recently found your blog and find it so inspirational. This post really hit home for me. So many times I have held myself back because of fear only to find out later that what waited for me was so much better than where I was. And even when the worst has happened, none of it has been so bad I couldn’t pick myself up again. For example, I got dumped yesterday. My boyfriend of several months sent me a Dear John letter. LAME. I remember thinking a few days ago (I guess my intuition was kicking) that I was terrified he would dump me and how it would be so awful. Well, it happened and I cried and threw a big old hissy fit, but I’ll be okay. More importantly, I didn’t use food as my comfort and have been trying to let my fear of being “alone forever” wash away. Fear is a prison and I’m not going to let it get me this time. It’s been the wardon in my life too many times – with food, relationships, friendships, jobs and more. Today, I choose to be brave and unafraid. Hopefully tomorrow, I’ll choose wisely again!

    • LHA

      Good for you!

  • Bailey @ Onederland or Bust!

    I can totally relate. This is something I’ve been trying to work on.
    While my boyfriend and I were in Mexico this winter he wanted to try Parasailing, which is right up my alley! But I was SO SCARED that I was too heavy/fat for it or that they would turn me away as soon as they saw me. This ate at me for 2 days before we went and you know what? I did it anyway and it was so awsome! At 270 lbs (I’ve been told I don’t look my weight, so maybe they assumed I was lighter?) I went parasailing and jet skiing and enjoyed every minute of it.. the seat didn’t break, it was able to pull me up and I stressed out for nothing. This was definitely an “aha” moment where I realized that i needed to stop holding myself back from things. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/seamshappy Lynda Schrader

    I know exactly what you mean. My lack of self-confidence and trust is epic. Thanks for reminding me not to live in fear.

  • http://twitter.com/MrsJenBardall Jennifer Bardall

    O.M.G.

    This speaks directly to something I’m working on right now – how the ego holds us back in life by telling us lies based in fear. Not good/pretty/smart/thin/rich/funny enough, etc. And how we can continue to allow this to be our truth, or how we can change the stories to suit who and where we want to be.

    Clearly this is something I deal with day-to-day even as I get it all out on virtual paper.

    Does it sound weird for me to say that I’d love to talk more with you about this? (See, ego telling me I’m a dork and you’d never want to. And if you don’t, that’s okay.)

  • LHA

    I probably postpone something out of fear every day! Thanks for a great thought provoking post. While I am swimming tonight I am going to think about it and see what is the first thing I need to quit putting off. BTW, I loved the newsletter and look forward to reading it when you publish again. You rock!

  • http://twitter.com/debslosingit Debra Wilson

    I understand fear being a trap or a prison. I have so much anxiety and fear about almost everything that I hardly ever get anything done. I literally stay home, hardly leaving the house because of the what-ifs and I hate it. A little at a time though, I work on it. I’ve started walking around the neighborhood, which is kind of a big deal for me. One step at a time.

  • kclanderson

    Have I ever experienced that? Uh, YEAH! All the damned time! ;-) I am just now coming out of a phase where I realized that it was all on me…and I realize that I will probably go through it again at some point and, well, it will just have to be okay.

  • Laurie

    Have I ever experienced that? Pretty much every. single. day. I am my own worst enemy. I enjoyed your newsletter and have always been able to relate to almost everything you write about. I’ve tried to just put it all out there like you do (I really admire you for that) but I haven’t been able to commit to writing as honestly as you do, instead, I hold back a lot, for fear of retaliation of others.

  • http://anewertammy.myopenid.com/ Tammy

    You’ve just described my life. I had an opportunity to go to Australia (on business) but turned it down because of some of my fears. I don’t do a lot of things because I don’t want to be in public. The biggest thing that bothers me though is that I have become so reserved in social situations and even at work. With certain people at work I don’t speak up and sometimes won’t add to the conversation in meetings because I am afraid I won’t sound intelligent enough. I have a great manager but I have the hardest time talking with him. I feel that I might say the wrong thing and he’ll discover I’m not as smart as he thinks I am. I wish I could get over this. Great post Emily.

  • D …

    This post is something I really identify with, as for the photo yes fear has put me in a prison, I locked myself away for 3 decades because of fear. Fear is still a major player in my life, but in different ways thanks to therapy but you’re right, I’m the one holding myself back too. I totally get it…new topic for my next counselling session.

  • http://twitter.com/Schmiet Diet Schmiet

    I completely understand – I postpone joy (in fact I postpone life) until…. (I lose weight etc). I feel more judged because of my size and more self-conscious for that reason. It probably doesn’t make sense to those who aren’t overweight; and they wouldn’t believe that one COULD be judged because of their size!

  • http://twitter.com/BigGirlBombshel Big Girl Bombshell

    I experience this every single day.. and I don’t know how I had missed it…so I subscribed to your newsletter too…

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