Selfish Sadness

March 30, 2012

Less than 12 hours from now, hundreds of people will be finishing a race.

Some will be super fast and others not-so-fast, but they will all finish.

One year ago, I finished the race. I worked hard, persevered, and was DAMN proud of finishing.

I wasn’t fast, it wasn’t without pain, and I certainly didn’t do it alone.

Tomorrow is the RunTheBluegrass half marathon, and I’ve been a complete ostrich with my head in the sand. Or like a dog with a bucket on its head.

image via paulkidd on flickr

Here’s the problem when you go around with a bucket on your head:

  • You look like an idiot
  • All anyone can see is your ass
  • You walk around blind
  • Everyone laughs at you

Perhaps no one is laughing at me right now, but I am feeling like an ass. I have friends doing RunTheBluegrass. I’ve been in “la-la-woe-is-me” mode with extreme frustration over my ankle problem and feeling stuck in general. At one point I thought I’d work at a water station or volunteer in some way. Then I realized a) I would be a sad panda because I would watch everyone and their healthy bodies run past; b) my foot actually won’t let me stand on it for that long.

Instead of being a cheerleader who is holding puffy-paint posters with glitter, I’m going to be doing something random at home, like washing the dishes or doing laundry.

I’ve been in a complete funk the last several days as soon as I realized the race was coming up so soon. Even if I were completely healed, I’m not sure I would have done it. That being said, I know I wouldn’t sit here with a bucket on my head. I feel bloated from eating crap, and I’ve realized that instead of beating my bucket-head against the wall that I should take it off and use it as a reminder of why I’m doing this fitness journey. I have to keep pushing forward in order to do the things in life I want to. Like do another half-marathon. Or at least have the option.

Good luck to Krissie, Lydia, Holli, and other LexRunLadies. You all inspire me and I look foward to being able to rejoin you.

  • izzyt

    I’ve always found that when I look back on a chain of events, even though I couldn’t see it at the time, there is always a rhyme and a reason to it all.  And at the end of the trail, I’m always in a better place than I could’ve planned for myself.
    It doesn’t make the journey any easier, but looking at it with curiosity always helps me through the tougher times. So where is all of this taking me?   I can’t see the end of the path, I can only see a little ahead, but the path always leads somewhere interesting, if I stay aware and follow the markers.
    I wonder where your journey is leading you?

  • http://kylydia.wordpress.com Lydia

    Thank you so much, Em. You have inspired me so much, and I’ll definitely be carrying so many of your pearls of wisdom with me, today. The little cheer engraved on my RoadID is something I first heard from you: “Run Your Race.” I hope you’re back to running the race you want to run soon.

  • http://profiles.google.com/msgracechang Grace Chang

    I hope you better this weekend! I’m sorry to hear about your injury. I’ve felt like I was in a funk all week too. Hopefully we both have a better APRIL :)

  • Christina

    I feel the same way. I’ve been avoiding Twitter feeds about the race & running in general because I’m just plain jealous. I’m disappointed that my body has let me down at a time when I had become so excited about running & meeting new friends to run with. I know I need to snap out of my pity party & be grateful for my health in general. Looking ahead to better days & getting out there to walk….maybe even walk fast!

  • http://twitter.com/Schmiet Diet Schmiet

    I completely understand how you feel. It’s hard when you’re struggling and others aren’t. I’m suffering from the same issue at the moment – I sink lower as I read of others’ success – which shouldn’t be the case!

  • http://kclanderson.com/ KCLAnderson (Karen)

    This post marks the moment where the bucket comes off…funks happen, then they don’t. It’s one moment in time, girlfriend!

  • thegreataskini

    Girl, I was totally sad panda today without you.  Every step of every mile, I thought of you and how you had inspired me to do RTB last year.  And because of that, I not only marked something off my bucket list, but I made an awesome friend.  You rock.  And I’m sorry you weren’t there. 

  • http://www.fatgirlwearingthin.com fatgirlwearingthin

    You sound like me, Emmie.  Not feeling it right now, but will be in less than two months when I have my first major surgery.  I’ve never been down for more than a few days, but this will have me down and out for at least 3 weeks, maybe longer.  It is so hard being at the sidelines when everyone is running right past you in one direction or another.  Temporary.  That’s the only way to look at it.  That, and the fact that we can’t fight maintenance.  You’ll get back into top shape in no time and oh, the freedom you’ll feel when you have your restrictions lifted.  

  • http://www.fit.beautythesis.net/ Fit Thesis

    There is a unique frustration that goes along with having an injury hamper your activities.  I think most can relate to the inevitable funk that comes along with it, but you’ve identified it.  That puts you ahead of many.

    Keep your head up (and out of the bucket – lol). :]

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