Socially Sober

April 14, 2011

I’ve been struggling this week. Not with binging or with exercise – I’ve done well on both fronts so far this week. I’m struggling with drinking.

It’s not what you think.

image from Pintrest

Back in February, I reflected on my twenties and my desire to celebrate 30 with a bang, as indicated on my 101 in 1001 goals list. With all the fuss over half marathon training and then being exhausted the couple of days after, my 30th birthday came and went. Seriously, like the biggest fizzle ever. It was last week during my binging-and-eating-junk extravaganza. I was locked down in my house in hermit-mode. What an awesome way to start the first days of being 30 *insert mega sarcasm here.*

So this week, I re-started eating with major control. I’ve started a new training program in the gym. My mood has lifted.

The past couple of days, I found myself daydreaming about the mega 30th birthday party. Although, not so epic – maybe invite people over for poker/board games/karaoke/bad dancing. And of course there would be food and drinks. My inner voice says “but you CAN’T drink. You CAN’T eat anything not on your spreadsheet.” Then I get really sad that this journey is holding me back from having a birthday party.

As you can tell, I have a really hard time with finding the middle ground. Could I have a party without eating and without drinking? Um, yes. Do I think I would be miserable? Um, yes.

This whole debate occurred in my head when I thought about going to Keeneland (it’s horse racing time in the Bluegrass!) But I couldn’t drink there! Would it even be fun? The whole bourbon and horses combination is kind of a tradition!

No, I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink socially. I do love good beer, wine and champagne though. And bourbon. It helps me stop being such an uptight mess and relax a little and be more social.

Trainer Rob says that food shouldn’t be used as a celebration. And intuitively, I get it. But am I wrong for not wanting to measure out my chicken and rice while everyone else snacks on catered tasty treats?

In the end, all of these questions don’t matter. It only matters what I choose to do. You or no one else can make decisions for me, so here I sit trying to figure out “right” from “wrong” and how it impacts “fun” versus “boring.”

Do you remain socially sober? Is there a middle ground, or do you believe in either one of the extremes?

  • http://nysadventures.blogger.com Nys

    I think your trainer’s wrong. Food is traditionally used to celebrate. It’s not that food shouldn’t be used to celebrate, it’s that you (and me!) need to figure out a better relationship with food in general.

    If you eat healthily, mostly fruits and vegetables, on the proper serving sizes, you don’t have to be concerned if you use food to celebrate.

    It’s when unhealthy food becomes the norm that food becomes a problem. And it’s not the celebration food that’s the problem, it’s the everyday unhealthy meals.

    I’m not going to freak out and treat food as some forbidden fruit. I need to lose some weight – so all of my food is strictly monitored. But once I lose that weight, it’s going to be the rushed work lunches and weekday dinners at home that are going to be measured. Not celebration or social food.

    I don’t celebrate every day, so I won’t eat like it. But I also won’t give myself a complex about normal social interactions and the food that goes with it.

  • Debbi

    30 is one of the “important” birthdays, at least that is what “they” tell us. But it is really just another number. I too was disappointed with my 30th. No party a real dud. I am just thankful each year to be alive and fairly healthy.
    As far as being sober, I do not drink now. I did when I was younger, but I realized fairly early on that the pain the day after was really not worth the fun the night before. I can be silly without alcohol.
    What about rewarding yourself by getting a new piece of jewelry or a new top to wear out? I don’t know about the places where you might go, but here alcohol is expensive, and I would rather spend my money on something that I can keep rather than something that I drank. At least that is my philosophy. It kept me from starting smoking. All I could think of was all the money going up in smoke!

    Thanks for sharing your trials with us. It helps to know one is not the only person to such face issues.

  • http://followmethirty.blogspot.com/ Mss S.

    I think food is used to celebrate hands down. If you break down the percentages of celebratory days a year vs. healthy/normal eating I believe you can celebrate in moderation.

    I drink a special drink every few weeks. Socially I am pretty much always designated driver. And if I am not the driver I know I still have to be a mom in the morning. Oy! Big deterrent.

  • http://yapsaboutweightloss.blogspot.com/ Denise

    I believe there is a middle ground. Or for me it is more of an 80/20 or 90/10 ground. 80-90% of the time I am eating healthy. Then there is the 10-20% of the time that I just do not. I have my date night once a week. I have my work potlucks with pizza or fried chicken. I have my celebrations. One thing that I have noticed though is that I am starting to be more choosy when celebrating. I pick healthier places to have dinner. I do not choose the all you can eat buffet each time. I decide if the food or drink is going to be worth it. I rarely drink but recently we went to see Sucker Punch at Movie Tavern and I just had to try the drink they made for the release of the movie. It was good so I had 2. I make the choice each day on eating and exercise. I do record all that I eat and drink even when I go someplace that I do not know the calorie count. For me life would not be worth living if I did not have some of the celebrating. I am finding other ways to celebrate that do not center around food, but I still want the food and drink ones as well.

    I hope I explained myself well. I love reading your blog since it makes me think.

  • http://adirtymartinikindofgirl.blogspot.com/ missmarisol

    There is a middle ground. I don’t drink as much as I used to before I started WW. I actually choose to use my points on food rather than drinks. But there are times when I’ve gone out with friends and there is drinking. On the days that I know that I will be drinking, I make sure that I eat sensibly that week.

    Another way of looking at it is that for the past 10+ years, you’ve been able to enjoy alcohol and haven’t worried about how it would affect you (weight wise). Maybe you can have fun being sober especially if you remind yourself of how far you’ve come.

    I think you started your 30′s in an awesome way. Yes you didn’t go out and party like a rockstar, But you did something that most of us haven’t done. It’s all a matter of perspective.

  • http://twitter.com/lastresortdiet lastresortdiet

    Your trainer sounds like a proper kiljoy. Good food and good drink enjoyed responsibly with friends is one of the great pleasures in this world. Your birthday is 1 day! You are allowed to enjoy yourself.

    My 30th is in May, I intend to (hopefully) eat till I am satisfied and no more. This is the difference with us food addicts, learning to recognise the “full” feeling that the great tasting food wipes out in our brains.

    The best bit of advice I can give you is to remember that your birthday is not about what you can eat on the day, it’s about seeing your friends and letting them to celebrate with you. There will be food there and you should be free to have fun, but don’t make it the focus of the day. Going out to an event is a great idea.

    Then the next day, start counting calories again and wipe out the damage!

    Have fun, you deserve to.

    • http://twitter.com/lastresortdiet lastresortdiet

      Oh, plus it’s never too late to have a party – my party is scheduled for a week after my birthday – when all my friends can get together – so go for it ;)

  • http://getfitkatie.blogspot.com Kate

    I know what you’re going through!

    I am not a big drinker either, but sometimes a girl just wants a glass of champagne or two to celebrate a big day. (That’s my favorite libation).

    Alcohol is tricky, though. For me, each time I had any alcohol (and this is moderate usage), my weight loss completely stalled. Not that this should keep you from enjoying your b-day (you should enjoy a glass or two, in my opinion) but just be aware of the possible consequences! I have not been a complete teetotaler, but I have paid for it when I do drink:

    On Valentine’s day 2011, the hubby and I shared a bottle of champagne (friexenet…ahhhh) and I gained 5 pounds that week (recounted in all its glory at: http://getfitkatie.blogspot.com/2011/02/21511-day-24-v-day-massacre.html).

    My weight loss was completely stalled during most of March, due, I think, to moderate alcohol consumption due to celebratory alcohol from my Aunt’s 40th birthday, two Friday happy hours, and my own 31st birthday (check out: http://getfitkatie.blogspot.com/p/stats_01.html). I literally stayed stuck at around 220 for 3 straight weeks. Coincidence? I don’t know. But it is just a little too scary to do a repeat… To cap it all off, the week I swore off alcohol – I lost 4 pounds.
    I am finally back on track, now.

    Whether or not you have any alcohol, you do deserve a celebration!! You’ve turned 30, and you’ve had a major accomplishment recently! Celebrate with fun and friends. With those kinds of joys in your life, you de-emphasize the importance of food as celebration, right??

    Best wishes, and go party hearty, lady!

    Kate
    getfitkatie.blogspot.com

  • http://tudor-rosy.blogspot.com Tudor Rose

    On the one hand, I understand what your trainer is saying — that food shouldn’t be used as the celebration. It’s one of those, don’t live to eat kind of things. But I *do* think it’s acceptable to celebrate WITH food, as long as it is done in a healthy way. Of course, for those of us who struggle with our relationships with food, that can be difficult. One of the reasons we all weigh what we do is because we don’t know how to eat or celebrate in a healthy way, whether it’s with alcohol or food or whatever.

    I do Weight Watchers, and what I like about that is that I can still have small indulgences, like a piece of cake or a glass of wine. I just have to plan. Lots and lots of planning! It is about making those choices — I am only allotted so many points in a day or a week, so if I want the single glass of wine, I have to consciously make other decisions throughout the day so I can have it and still lose weight.

    Believe me, I understand the frustration that comes in not wanting to measure out food or, in my case, count out points while everyone else can just eat and grab whatever snacks they want. I’m going out to lunch with friends today, and I have to look through the menu online and decide what I want and count my points before hand and plan my breakfast and dinner around it. It’s annoying and frustrating, but I just keep reminding myself of all the good things I’m doing for myself by making these choices.

    It all takes work. Lots and lots and LOTS of work! This isn’t an easy process. But you’ve lost 108 lbs! You raised all that money and ran all those miles! If you can do all of that, you can do all of this.

    And I feel like I’ve been rambling and hope I still make sense, haha!

  • http://housedrone.blogspot.com/ Rebecca

    Tudor Rose has it right as well as some of the others. I think it has to be ok to celebrate and enjoy food together during that celebration. I guess it is just a slight tweaking of the idea. You are not celebrating the food, you are celebrating with friends and having enjoyable food/drinks available. But plan it out. If it is your party… you are able to make sure the choices available are healthy ones. Do a little research on beautiful, but healthy appetizers.. check Vegetarian Times, or fancy cooking websites and or WW, SB, or Adkins (whatever) cookbooks. Heck even mix recipes up from all those sources. Pretty ham rolled asparagus spears that kinda thing, hummus and pretty veggies etc. If you have a cheesy melty dip just make sure you have lots of celery or sliced peppers to eat it with… leave the crackers for the guests. Ask the caterer if they have healthy (but pretty) options available for appetizers. If not, check with other caterers frankly. Check out calories/carbs on your fav types of drinks and have the ones you decided were the best bet for you. Then adjust your pre=party eating schedules accordingly to plan for a sliver of b-day cake or b-day pie at the party… or a glass of champagne or something and then after you are done with your drink have a very nice fancy sparkling water with lime/lemon for yourself. Keep it in a pretty champagne flute glass if that helps. I think one key is also to truly savor your special drink/appetizer. Half the time I used to gulp and scarf things down and then missed out on really enjoying things I did eat. But I think planning ahead might be the key. People without food/weight issues do just that. They plan ahead… and they also ‘recover’ afterwards in a way that is natural for them. Because sometimes even they have more than they intended so they exercise more the next few days or eat leaner and/or both.

  • http://www.skinnysarah.com Sarah

    I turned 30 towards the end of last year and I DID celebrate in all the “naughty” ways. I felt awful physically, mentally, and emotionally the next day. The guilt of poor eating overwhelmed me and I beat myself up for starting my 30s off in such a horrible way.

    I am now trying to find a balance between eating healthy and allowing myself the occasional splurge guilt-free. It is a struggle!

    One thing I have found along the way is that a lot of restaurants and even bars offer “healthier” alcoholic beverages (if there is such a thing, haha). You can plan ahead what you’re going to drink and make the calories and what not as minimalistic as possible. All in all, I’ve just discovered it is best to go in with a game plan. It helps me have control in a possibly uncontrollable situation. One of the above posters mentioned checking menus out online…I’ve been doing the same! Very helpful!

    If planning isn’t an option I just have been reminding myself that this isn’t a diet and I should be depriving myself. As long as I know I am making a decision with food that is completely premeditated and not impulsive I tell myself to knock it off with the guilt. Easier said than done, but the reality is is we are human and we have these dang things called taste buds, and well, certain foods taste good!

    Love your blog and you are an inspiration! Go get ‘em, tiger!

  • http://mayorofthebux.com Danielle

    I remember watching an oprah thing once where she recapped that she hadn’t eaten cake for her surprise bday party and I was sad for her. But then as I got into the right frame of mind I got it… but still…
    I’m a fan of moderation. I have had the epic nights out where I have drank socially and paid the next morning and I have had the nights where I have had a drink and had a fantastic time as well.
    It’s all about balence. You HAVE to celebrate your 30th is some form or fashion, not just bc you wrote it on a list but because of all the good you have done and your life is a celebration.
    but that’s just my 2 cents.

  • http://mywaistlossjourney.blogspot.com/ Maria my waist loss journey

    emmie, that is so funny that I should read your post today, I have the same dilemma I wrote about it on my blog today…I think we have to learn to eat the things we love with variety, moderation and balance. Remember we control the fork…I say go, have a good time, but use some resistance. Don’t go starving, remember we control the fork…

  • http://www.discoveringmyinnerprincess.blogspot.com Princess J

    I think we have to find a way to live in moderation. Unfortuantely for people like me, moderation is a struggle. If it wasn’t I would never have weighed 355 lbs. I know it will always be a struggle, but I strive for moderation. I have reccently decided champagne is my go-to social adult drink- The calories are way low compared to other options, about 90 cals a glass. Plus it is fun, festive and yummy! Now to plan for it and keep it to a glass or two…that is the struggle. I understand the need for the chart Emmie, I do. I need one too. But somehow we have to leave a smidge of wiggle room to toast the good things. Cheers!

  • http://www.gamereviewwiki.com/bikinibirthday Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday

    Hi Emmie,
    First let me say that I just found your blog and I love it. You are a total inspiration and you have made amazing strides for your health, fitness, and body image and you are completely inspirational.

    About your upcoming birthday, I disagree with what Rob says about food and celebration. In my opinion, food should not be used as a reward or a stress reliever but celebration is a different story.
    Food is more than just calories. Food is about bringing people together. It is about enjoyment, socialization, and very often it is about celebration. Food is nourishment for more than just your body. It can nourish relationships.

    I don’t think that you should throw your whole diet out the window for your birthday, but I think giving yourself a little more flexibility with your diet so that you can enjoy yourself without eating so much you feel guilty or so little you feel deprived is really important!

  • http://trimtonedandhealthy.blogspot.com Emily

    I am definitely in the “indulge in moderation” camp. No one can be perfect all the time.

    If I know I’m going to spend an evening out, I try to set a drink/indulgence budget for myself. I decide how much I feel comfortable with in advance and try to stick with it.

    I try not to worry about it TOO much on special occasions. That doesn’t mean I’m going to go nuts and have an appetizer, huge entree, big dessert and a bunch of drinks–but I am going to try to enjoy the few truly special days of the year without obsessing over everything I eat and drink.

    I think it is different for everyone, and involves a little bit of trial and error. I’ve definitely over-indulged on some evenings out, but I’ve learned from it. If I know that I felt awful when I ordered 3 drinks, an appetizer, an entree AND a dessert–well, next time I will try to cut out the appetizer and dessert and see how that feels.

    Whatever you decide, don’t be too hard on yourself. Healthy journeys are full of learning experiences. Don’t beat yourself up about the decisions you make–you can’t go back and change them so just move forward and keep trying to find that balance. There may be ups and downs along the way, but you will find your happy medium between indulgence and restriction eventually. I’m working on this myself, so I know it isn’t easy!

  • http://awonderingspirit.blogspot.com Holli

    My therapist has also encouraged the 90/10 rule. I struggle with perfectionism and eating “perfectly” so I try to plan for “imperfect” meals.

    As for booze, I am a wine snob/connoisseur (depending on who you ask… LOL) and any plan of eating that doesn’t include wine is not workable for me. I have a glass of wine with my dinner 3-4 times a week (and I save the calories in other places). If I want more than 1, I have to make the choice about where to take the calories from. But… it’s my choice.

  • http://mythunderthighs.com Elisha

    This is exactly why I don’t like restricting my food. It’s not sustainable, no matter what plan you’re on. This is the only 30th birthday you’re going to have.

    Here’s the thing: if you have a party or go to the races or whatever, chances are you’re still going to employ moderation, because if you don’t, you’re going to feel guilty. I’m not saying you shouldn’t drink and/or enjoy yourself, because I think you absolutely should enjoy yourself. I just think that it doesn’t have to mean ruining your diet or your progress. Maybe it will slow you down for a few days, but what is that in the grand scheme of things?

    The whole point of losing weight is so that we can enjoy our lives more, not so that we can feel deprived but skinny and dietarily wholesome. What’s the point of being healthy and thin and fit if you’re not enjoying yourself? It completely defeats the purpose, if you ask me.

  • kwithme

    My approach to this is to decide before hand what to have, if I know what is available. If not, it is the first thing I do before having a drink. I have skipped cake at birthday parties. May and June is one long birthday party in my family and I have decided unless I love the cake (white cake with white frosting, like wedding cakes of 30 years ago), I skip it. It just is not worth it.

    I am attending a party tomorrow night, and I’ll be bringing my club soda and a couple of sliced limes. I don’t know if the hosts will have something that I want to drink. I know it will be a drinking party and I no longer drink wine (feel like crap after one glass) or soda (no HFCS or artificial sweeteners) and rarely drink liquor so I have to have something and I’d like something other than water.

  • Noel

    I see nothing wrong with only having healthy foods and snacks. Veggies and fruits. Why should a celebration mean only bad foods?

  • http://www.110pounds.com Lisa

    This was a hard one for me too. I drink socially. When I was big I had to drink more to feel any effects. When I decided to lose the weight I stopped drinking completely. For 2 years I didn’t have any alcohol because I didn’t want to “waste” my calories. I didn’t want to have to write down “300 calories” because I had a White Russian. If I was writing 300 calories down I was going to be eating some cookies or something!

    It was hard at first because I opted out of a lot of social events. I stopped going to happy hour with friends because I couldn’t eat the fried food and I wasn’t drinking.

    Eventually I started incorporating alcohol back into my diet. I drink about 3x a week (one glass of wine) usually with dinner with my boyfriend. I think a nice glass of red wine goes well with a steak dinner. But after that one I stop. I count the calories, I leave a few extra on the nights I want to have a drink, and I don’t beat myself up.

    But I’m in maintenance mode. That’s a lot different than losing mode. I am happy I stopped drinking my calories to lose the weight. It worked.

  • http://www.definediana.com DefineDiana

    I just found your blog, and let me just say how awesome I think you are!

    I think that food can be used in celebration, if it is used the right way. Not everything should be celebrated with food. But you should also be able to enjoy certain days (including your birthday!!!) with out completely thinking about your calorie count for the day. That also involves having a few drinks too.

    You should plan a party and eat sensibly during the day of, and try not to think much about it that night. I mean, try not to go over board, but don’t worry if you have a bit too much.

  • Mindy

    Have you tried skinnygirl margarita? they are very low in calories and carbs. Sometimes, we need to “feed” the urge. I myslef have lost 67pounds in the last year. telling myself “no’ makes it worse. When I find things I can have, all of a sudden I am not wanting it anymore!!
    PS…..I love your blog!!!

  • Jess

    I don’t think you’re wrong. I think there has to be a middle ground. Will this middle ground slow down your weight loss? Yeah, probably. Is it worth it? In my mind, yes.

    I moved to my current state for a guy I was dating and as a result had no friends here of my own. So I had a lot of lonely years. Now, I have a wonderful group of friends, and our favorite thing to do is go to happy hour at our favorite bar. There is no way I’m going to miss out on time with my friends, especially not after all those years of wishing for this very thing. And I also know that there’s no way I’m going to go to a bar and not have a few drinks or not indulge in some unhealthy bar food.

    So, I go, and I still log what I eat and drink into Sparkpeople. Some days, it puts me way (way way way) over my calorie allotment, but if I ate well the rest of the day, and eat well the next day and the day after that, great. If I have an especially bad eating day, I’ll fit in an extra workout or a longer workout the following day. I live in Connecticut, and obviously last week was when the Huskies won the NCAA championship. So you better believe I went out and had a few beers and ate some chicken wings while I watched the game. And two days later I had my weekly happy hour with my friends. And you know what? I still lost 1.6 lbs last week. Because when I wasn’t out having fun with my friends, I stayed perfectly within my calorie limits. I drank tons of water. I exercised for about 45 minutes to an hour every day.

    Will my loss be slower this way? Most likely. But for me, it’s the only way to live. I won’t lose those connections with my friends and miss out on those memories. I’m almost the same age as you – I’ll be 30 in August – and I know these carefree days won’t last forever once babies and whatnot come into play. So I’m going to enjoy them now!

  • http://www.100pounds2lose.com Jennifer

    I have found that when I splurge at a celebration I usually wake up the next morning two or three pounds heavier, but as long as I don’t let that become a trend, within a week or two all of extra weight comes back off with regulated eating.

    Have fun!

  • iBirgitta

    Hi Emmie,

    Is it true that you will be the only one who will eat her pre-weighed food, while the rest is binging? I believe your family and friends might appreciate a non-food related celebration.

    One of my challenges is to find fun, social things to do with friends without (a lot of) food. Believe it or not, most people struggle with food and their weight. Why don’t you go to an apple orchard and harvest apples? Make a huge bowl of fruit salad? Serve oven-dried vegetable chips (okay, I made this one up)? Make them walk part of the half marathon with you? Organize a picknick and challenge everybody to bring a low-calery dish? Go biking? Etc

    I would really enjoy a “healthy” fun party!

  • Becky

    As a trainer, I like my clients to have realistic lifestyles. My clients like to social drink – and so I teach them how to implement a plan: adding the calories into their daily intake, limiting it to one, incorporating a soda water in between every drink (fills you up, makes you drink less), eatting asparagus to help metabolism the sugar that’s in your alcoholic beverage. If you aren’t drinking every single night, then I’m not sure why your trainer has banned it. Also, make sure you remember to burn the alcohol with increased cardio. You have to learn how to live a lifestyle, not a diet. Diets are broken. Lifestyles are here for ever.

  • gwen

    Emmie, I am sad that you sort of missed your birthday. I would urge you to think about having a late birthday party in a couple of months on a Saturday or something.

    Once it gets a bit warmer up here in upstate New York I’ve been thinking about hosting a Saturday brunch outside with tons of fresh fruit salad with yogurt and honey and baked egg dish with veggies (spinach and asparagus probably) in it. These are the samish things I always eat, but serving them to friends on a sunny porch would make me happy. A little bit of champagne and orange juice could do it for the drinks.

  • Elizabeth

    I strongly believe that deprivation diets don’t work. Life happens – birthdays, holidays, work travel, personal travel, business meals, etc. The key is to enjoy those events without going overboard. For birthdays and holidays, I allow myself one dessert and to eat whatever is being offered – but portions that are in control. I also have 2-3 drinks per week – only on Fridays and Saturday nights. Perhaps your weight loss will go a little slower if you don’t stay 100% on plan for 365 days per year, but does it really matter? It took me 18 months to lose 50 pounds. Perhaps if I didn’t allow life to happen, I could have lost that in 12 months or less. At the end of the day, who cares? I enjoyed one piece of my birthday cake, a very yummy meal out, and I still lost the weight. As an added benefit, now I have the skills to confront those tempting situations without going overboard.

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