When to speak up

March 29, 2011

I’m in Nashville right now helping a friend who had surgery today. While we were at the doctors office for her pre-op appointment, I was waiting for the restroom and overheard a conversation.

The doctor is an orphopaedic surgeon and he treats a lot of athletes. Not sure if this guy was an athlete or not. I am standing feet away from he and one of the staff when he starts telling a story of how he had to sit on an airplane next to a fat man with “rolls hanging over the arm rests.” He went on to say that he had to spend an 11 hour flight with his shoulders cramped up because he didn’t want to use the guy’s “fat roll as an armrest.” A chuckle followed.

I stood there just shaking my head in frustration. Do I say something to him? Explain that the “fat guy” was probably even more uncomfortable than he was on the flight? Do I try to explain my position that he should put himself in others shoes before just looking at it as “fat versus skinny?” That the guy didn’t CHOOSE to overflow into his seat? That he probably landed and had deep bruises in his thighs from the arm rest?

The problem is that I get it. I understand it’s not comfortable for the person who has to sit next to me. I am over-conscious about this. I get major anxiety about it.

I don’t want to be the token fat person sticking up for others. But I want people to open their minds to consider the other persons situation. What if the “fat guy” had lost over 100 pounds (like myself), and still “imposed” on other people? Does it matter?

The other day when I was on the airplane, I wanted to blurt out my weight loss status to the guy sitting next to me. What caused this urge? Did I want to do it to try to validate myself? Or to try to gain sympathy from him? Or to offer an apology of sorts? Was it to try to make myself feel better about the situation?

In the end, I didn’t speak up to the patient at the doctors office. I didn’t blurt out my weight loss to the stranger next to me.  Instead, I sit here wondering if I did the right thing in both situations.

What would you have done? Am I making way too big of a deal out of this?

PS: I got to meet Emily of Big Life, Little Blog for lunch. She is awesome! As someone who has been through 2 half marathons, she really gave some great encouragement for Sunday’s race! Thanks Em.

  • http://dimplesnatcherblog.com Alexia@ Dimple Snatcher

    I’m so glad you shared your experience, Emmie! Your post reminds me of my last one where I question whether society presents fat bodies as disabled. It seems so I think.
    Would I said something? Probably not. I’m shy :) Should you have said something? Maybe. I know I say ignorant, arrogant things sometimes. Is it anyone’s responsibility to hold me accountable? Maybe. I believe in the village thing, but I’m not sure how that translates to ethics for me. I’m not sure how we can tell someone that to speak of an fat person that way is oppressive. He or she might say that they were oppressed because of the inconvenience of sharing seating with so large of a person. See what I mean? Sometimes we have to let stupid people stay stupid.

  • http://gtffo.blogspot.com/ Jenny

    There is no reason to say anything . . . unless they were talkign about your firend. You are right, you aren’t the token Fat Girl and don’t need to jump and defend them (or us) all.

    I was recently on a plane and for the first time was comfortable (have lost 80 pounds) but was next to a larger women who could careless about bumping into me, getting her Kindle, then her iPad, then her iPhone . . . then digging thru her huge Kate Spade bag to get her lunch, then again t get her snack, then again for candy . . . her weight was not annoying, her attitude and wealth was.

  • http://kclanderson.com/before-and-after KCLAnderson (Karen)

    I agree with Jenny…defensiveness expresses itself in a variety ways, too. I find that when I am okay with me, others are too.

  • http://www.healthycultivations.com Michele @ Healthy Cultivations

    This is a very very serious subject, one I struggle with as well… in various ways. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to fly without purchasing two seats. One hundred pounds later, I can squeeze into an airplane seat. And I’m extremely self-conscious, imagining all the hateful things the person next to me must be thinking. Maybe they are; maybe they aren’t. These days, I do a lot more flying than ever before due to work and moving across the country from my family. I’ve come to consider how fortunate I am to have gotten to the point that I fit in one seat, and I think about how far I’ve come when I face the “what is the person next to me thinking” thoughts.

    There was a time when I would have left a situation like you faced in tears… tears of shame. I wouldn’t have jumped into the conversation either. You happened to overhear something. It’s merely a lack of empathy… sad that a physician is so lacking in empathy. It’s angering, but it’s not necessary to jump into someone else’s conversation.

    • http://skinnyemmie.com Skinny Emmie

      Yes, it was a lack of empathy, and the struggle I faced was: “is it my role as someone from the “fat” side of the story to jump in and correct them?”
      I did want to clarify that it wasn’t the physician who said it- it was a patient. The physician is fantastic.

  • http://adiosfatgirl.blogspot.com Colleen @ Goodbye, Fat Girl

    I’d like to say that I would have stepped up and said something but in reality I know I wouldn’t have. I am always hyper-conscious about my weight when traveling, as if because I’m fat I don’t have every right to travel like other people do. I hate that I am scrunched up in those seats on airplanes (or sporting events, or…anywhere, really) and truthfully I long for the day when it’s not an issue.

    I honestly think that when I’m at my goal weight, I would have the courage to say something. Working through my issues now is going to make for a much stronger me then.

  • http://lessofmimi.wordpress.com Melissa Fritcher

    I can’t speak to the situation with the doctors, or anyone making jokes about fat people, because as insensitive as their jokes were, they have a point. It makes everyone miserable in one way or another. It’s the elephant in the cabin. Confronting them isn’t going to make them all of a sudden better people.
    What I can speak to is how I ‘handled’ the flight thing after losing a bit of weight. I treated it more like ‘Look what I got for Christmas!’ and just as an aside mentioned that I was SOOOO glad I’d lost 75 pounds before trying to fit on this plane. lol.

  • http://tammysmirror.com Tammy

    You have to do what feels right in your heart, maybe your time to speak up will be when you get more comfortable in the seat,remembering how you felt? Or start calm and say may I talk to you about what you said? Something like that? or maybe that person wouldn’t change even if you said something.BTW- You are speaking up-in your blog:-) There’s also lots of “skinny” people I’d rather not have sat next to(even in my smaller days)…rude to flight attendants and other passengers, giant carry on, smelly, talker, snoring, drolling, etc :-) Being skinny doesn’t necessarily make them a good flight mate! I recently spoke up to a lady that called a kid(with mental disability) that was bagging groceries at the supermarket a retard+made other rude comments to him-it did feel better:-)

  • http://losing147.blogspot.com Rae Rae J

    Airplane seats are so retarded, anyway. I’m not even sure when I reach my goal weight I’ll be able to fit into them. Or roller coaster rides, either.
    Unfortunately most people have someone they like to discriminate against, whether it be race, sex, weight, sexual orientation. But when it is done in public like that, I say it’s open season to point out how stupid they are.
    It makes me sad, I’d hope my peeps in Nashville would behave themselves better. :(

  • http://mymsie.wordpress.com Mymsie

    Sitting behind my computer, I’ve prepared an eloquent rebuttal, Julia Sugarbaker style but I’m sure in the moment, I wouldn’t have had the wherewithal to say anything. Frustrating!

  • http://www.110pounds.com Lisa

    I wish you HAD said something. No, you aren’t the token fat girl, but if even one person calls some jackass on their offensive comments maybe it will change some minds? Maybe they would think about it the next time they are going to say something demeaning to a group of people.

  • http://www.discoveringmyinnerprincess.blogspot.com Princess J

    Great post, and I reccently felt the same way on a plane. I wanted to turn to the person next to me and say, “Please celebrate me because I just buckled that seat belt for the first time in years without an extender!” But instead I did everything I could to take up as little room in the world as possible and felt bad that there was still so much of me. Great post. Thanks!

  • http://stellarfashion.blogspot.com/ Jennifer

    I understand your desire to stick up for fat people, because I’ve felt that way too. I had an uncle make a comment about fatter people on planes once and say “No offense, Jenni,” as if I was part of this society of fat people that liked to make flying annoying for others. Well flying is annoying for us too! I’ve lost weight now and I feel more comfortable flying, but I still fear that I’m encroaching on someone else’s space too much. But, really, no one’s comfortable on an airplane and we all get in each other’s space!

  • http://onprogram.blogspot.com Tanya

    I’m not sure if I would have said anything or not either. Having lost over 100 pounds myself, I find even now, that I am super self-concious about how much space I’m taking up on airplanes and on public transit. If I bump someone accidentally, I apologize…figuring at least I’ve acknowledged the fact that I may have invaded their space. Like you said, the person with the weight is likely even more uncomfortable :-( BUT here’s my story – last summer I travelled back from Indonesia and was sitting next to a lady and her husband. I kept to my seat fairly well (had lost about 60 pounds at that point), but the wife of the couple next to me kept infringing on my seat AND my foot area – and she weighed about 90 pounds soaking wet!!! She kept stretching out and kicking me! Soo….skinny people can be annoying on planes too ;-) I ended up changing seats when we stopped in Anchorage…but it sure was a long journey from Jakarta to Anchorage :-)

    I fear that no matter how much I lose, I will always have that mentality of being super careful not to spill over onto someone else’s seat.

  • LHA

    This is a tough one. Most of us have been raised to be polite and not argue or correct someone, especially a complete stranger. It would be hard to just go up to the person talking and say….”Excuse me, but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation and I believe you are being insensitiv.” …..or some words to that effect. I think few of us could do it. If someone did summon up the courage to do this I am not sure it would be well received or make a difference to how the person really felt. I agree with the person who said you are speaking up by just blogging here. Bringing these issues out in the open and providing support for all of us who are struggling to lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle is an important part of advocating for the rights and the feelings of the overweight population. Thanks for a thought provoking post.

  • http://16weekrace.blogspot.com Katie

    I totally get it. You can understand both sides of the story but it still feels bad. People are selfish and consider their own feelings, rarely caring about how the other side feels. It’s mean. I think you should be proud of yourself that you can understand how both sides see the situation. If some people are mean and selfish you need to adjust your attitude so that you can think, ‘they’re mean, screw them’ and then forget them. Otherwise your own negative feelings will hold you back from using your energy to do the things you want to do. It’s no fun overthinking how others can be insensitive.

  • http://getfitkatie.blogspot.com getfitkate

    You did nothing wrong. You are not obligated to speak up for fat women everywhere. In fact, I think a pointed look or the statement “my, these walls are paper thin” would have sufficed, and an angry retort would have been overkill. People know when what they are saying is offensive. Sometimes they care, sometimes they don’t. You are never going to get them to admit they were wrong, and people often react very badly to embarassment.

    However, had it been an employee of the physician’s office, I would have submitted a written complaint, and spoken to the office manager right away.

    You have to pick your battles. When I was in law school, I lived in a “transitional” neighborhood. Some people you just don’t want to mess with, and it can be more difficult to anticipate than you would think. Once, this woman cut me off while driving, and I held the horn down for a few seconds as she drove wildly by. She did a 180, followed me in to the gas station I had just pulled in to, and started to scream at me like a psychopath. I thought I was going to get shot. I got back in my car and drove away calmly.

    Rage doesn’t just happen on the road.

    Kate
    getfitkatie.blogspot.com

  • Gwen

    I feel like I have been on both sides of the flying issue.

    I used to sort of “suck in”/flex my thighs for hours at a time on flights to try to touch the person in the seat next to me less. I don’t know whether they notice all the effort I was making.

    Recently I was on a super tiny plane and I was seated next to a really big guy such that I was crushed up against the window. I was pretty releived when the flight attendant asked for volunteers to move to the empty seats in the back for balance. This isn’t just a fat thing: I think I remember also complaining to friends after sitting next to a very fit guy with linebacker shoulders such that I had to basiclaly hunch forward the entire flight, or near a crying baby (less forgivable after a few hours). It’s not like he could just decide to stop having broad shoulders, or the parent wasn’t trying to make the child stop crying. I don’t know that the complaining has to do with judging necessarily, or just with personal discomfort.

  • Becs

    Were the staff or physician to say something than I think it would have been appropriate to find a tactful and polite way of informing them in private because its unprofessional. This guy was clearly ignorant, inconsiderate and inappropriate. Some things just need not be said. No one is comfortable on airplanes, regardless of who is next to them, they are cramped and crowded. A generalization about that could have been as effective.

    I wouldn’t have said anything, but I would have griped about it to friends later, perhaps even the friend you were accompanying ;)

    I save the moments for when I speak up about something that truly matters. This guy wouldn’t have changed and didn’t matter. You were right to pick your battles!

    And congrats on your first half!

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