I Hate Being a Weight Loss Blogger

October 12, 2010

Yesterday, I hated being a weight loss blogger. I have shared struggles before. I share victories as often as I can. I share lessons and stories of depression and sleep deprivation. I share. I share for me, to chronicle this long fight to the finish, and I share for others, so they feel like they aren’t alone.

But sometimes, I don’t want to share. I’m ashamed or sad. I’m distraught or spiteful. I want to crawl in my bed and put the blanket over my head. The much cleaner version of putting your head in the sand. Yesterday, I did not want to share.

via terren in Virginia on Flickr

Weight is the one thing in my life I feel like I’ve failed miserably at. I am a classic overachiever. Like all people, I want to feel special and like I’ve done something good. I really thought before yesterday morning that I did something good. I did a month long world of good.

When the scale said something different from what I thought it would, it was like taking my tiara off my head and spitting on my gold star by my name. Stripping my trophy.

I spent yesterday fuming, wondering what was wrong with my body. Something had to be wrong.

I bucked up and wrote the post. The one people emailed me and tweeted me about all day. I had built up this month long scale boycott, and it was the day of reckoning. It backfired. My trophy felt tarnished.

A couple people wrote comments on that post that threw me for a loop. I got defensive and wanted to go  back and defend myself. We always want to fix people, but sometimes we need to figure things out for ourselves. I have never been great at taking criticism. I bit my tongue and tried to go to sleep, hoping the next day would bring some revelations.

This morning, I got up early and put on my big girl pants. I went to the gym and did my weight training routine. This body, which was performing things I never thought possible, wasn’t broken. What WAS wrong, however, was completely my fault. It IS possible to eat too much of the good stuff. I simply ate too much of the good stuff. This mistake was on ME. This was complacency on my part just assuming that what I was eating was the correct portion size. Yesterday in the middle of my fuming, I went out and bought a food scale. When I have used it the past 3 meals, it’s evident to me that I was WAY overeating, even if it was “good stuff.” Lesson learned.

2 days ago, I was strong and fit.

Yesterday, I was strong and fit.

Today, I am strong and fit.

The knowledge that the scale said a number I didn’t like turned me into someone I didn’t like. Someone in denial and someone who wants to hide from the world. Someone who forgets how hard she’s worked to get to where she is now. Someone who can flip back into her shell like the old 455 pound version who didn’t ever leave the house and ate ridiculous amounts of food and got no exercise. A diseased obese person.

So today, I’m back to fat and fit.  I’m making progress at my own pace. Will you join me?

  • http://thewomaninsideme.blogspot.com/ TheWomanInsideMe

    Here’s the deal. This struggle you are going through right now? There is benefit in that because it teaches you something and if you really pay attention it will not be something you have to relearn. Sometimes we can see or hear something and it whizzes right by us because we are so focused on something else and think that is what we should be doing. For me, the most recent lesson learned is don’t eat less than you should because you will gain it back. I did that, guess what? I gained it back. So now I am taking it easy, doing everything I can day to day to get to where I want to go. I have cut the stress of letting the calendar dictate how much weight I should lose and by when. I know it is hard. You want the weight off like last year. The great thing that you should take from the past month is “hey, I worked my butt off in the gym and now I can focus on portion control and decide what foods don’t really have a place in my diet right now”. I am thinking about trying to do a Couch to 5K starting next month and you are already doing it. That is freaking awe inspiring. So take a deep breath and take the next step. It does get better.

    • http://www.skinnyemmie.com skinnyemmie

      Thanks for your comments. I really am back on track today, so I hope this post didn’t seem depressing or anything. I truly feel like this was a big learning experience, and one I needed to have. There will always be bumps in the road, and we never lose as fast as we want, so the difference between success and failure is how we respond to these perceived roadblocks. I’m making progress, no matter what the speed!

  • BAH

    Great post!!! Congrats on being back on track.

  • Shannonlatif

    I too am someone whose weight has seen more ups and downs than most roller coasters. I am also an overachiever who fails at nothing except at being obese and unhealthy. I totally relate to your struggles and frustration. But please know that finding your blog has been so inspirational and motivating to me. I have paid for a gym membership for the last year and a half and can count on both hands the number of times I have actually attended. Tomorrow I am going to step back into the gym not only to get healthy again but to boost my self esteem. Your postings have given me the encouragement and confidence that I need to be successful in my weight loss journey. While I know the scale has not budged as much as you would have liked but remember how many inches and pounds you have lost along the way, and people you have encouraged. It is incredible and something truly to be proud of! Thank you so much for sharing with us your journey!

  • http://margaretedith.wordpress.com/ Maggie

    Emmie, we’re behind you on the good days and on the bad days. I’m so impressed at your bravery in doing this publicly and sharing it with strangers. But thank you for doing so.

  • Mnitka8

    I feel you. That’s what the last couple of months has been like for me. No progress on the scale. WTF. I still continue to exercise and eat decent. I am running 5k’s almost every month. Never would I think I would be running for fun. Just keep on movin and good things will happen. You saving your life- remember that :)

  • Mnitka8

    I feel you. That’s what the last couple of months has been like for me. No progress on the scale. WTF. I still continue to exercise and eat decent. I am running 5k’s almost every month. Never would I think I would be running for fun. Just keep on movin and good things will happen. You saving your life- remember that :)

  • http://twitter.com/RNTgirl RNTG Kirsten

    thanks for being a weight loss blogger. ((fist bump))

  • http://amerrylife.com Mary (A Merry Life)

    I’m with you.

    If you’ve read my blog for a while you know I don’t lose weight fast. I’m pretty much on the 2 lbs a month rate/almost plateau. And you know what? I get shit for it. People like to pick apart what I do and why I’m not losing weight fast enough. It sucks, but I guess they feel they have the right to do that because we are publicly chronicling our journey.

    Don’t let the negative criticism get you down. Keep doing all the healthy stuff you are doing and it will work out in the end. This is about weight but it’s about SO MUCH MORE. Keep it up Emmie.

  • Anonymous

    i had a really long comment, but i guess its lost.
    sometimes, i just want to give you a big hug. make all those scale voices go away.

  • http://www.watchsarahshrink.com/ Sarah

    Hang in there! I, too, wrestle with the blogosphere and the commentary it has to offer. Unfortunately, people say things on the web they might not say to your face. There is some distance and anonymity here that you don’t get in day to day life. I totally bitched out and made a post yesterday that I disabled comments on because I didn’t want to hear it. It’s my blog, I’ll cry if I want to.Hang in lady!

  • Karen

    Some days I get very tired of being a weight loss blogger too. I wonder about having such constant in-my-face focus on the thing I am trying to think less about! I don’t like having to write over and over about my struggles. Today I had written a post that was about something else but tied back to my eating and fitness goals, and I actually cut out the healthy living part. I just needed a break and maybe my readers will appreciate one too:)

  • http://twitter.com/its_gail Gail Gedan Spencer

    Don’t fret, it’s only a number. Do you feel healthier? Stronger? More in control? Good. That’s all that really, really matters right now.

  • http://twitter.com/TinaFFF Tina Reale

    What a fabulous post. The scale can really throw us for a loop, but what matters is learning from it and refusing to allow that to define us. Thank you for sharing these thoughts!

  • Nettie

    I can relate. I am a slave to the scale. If I don’t weight what I want then I get pretty ticked off. It is a downward spiral after that. I start eating everything in the fridge and whatever I can get my hands on. Thanks for motivating me and letting me know that I am not alone.

  • Clstin31

    I’m with you at my own pace. The hardest thing for me this time is coming to grips and being satified with the rate of loss. I try my best not to compare this journey to my previous ones because there is not comparison. I am not counting carbs. I am not counting anything. I am not cutting out sugars and breads.I have even given up the food scale. I am simply watching portions and exercising. Since May I have lost 54 pounds that’s great if I don’t slip down the “remember how fast I lost before what if I just do it for a little while” road. I do remember how fast I lost, but I also remember how fast I regained. I do not plan on regaining. I am learning lose weight by eating and living like I can maintain for the rest of my life. I weigh once a week (my compromise from not weighing at all to obsessing daily about the number on the scale). The number on the scale does not define me.

    Em – You are doing great. The number on the scale will catch up with you. You are losing inches and gaining energy and strength.

  • http://twitter.com/jennygoodson Jenny

    I love this post! I deal with “self-hatred” 24/7 and I’m trying so hard to train myself with positive thinking! The food scale is an awesome idea. I should try that…

  • Rhonda

    I just reread your comments and I really don’t think any of them were meant to make you defensive. That’s the thing about the internet, you don’t always convey the tone of what you mean. ;) It is true, at a larger weight, the body tends to shed more lbs. I think you’ve figured out why you weren’t having the big losses on the scale. I’m betting next month, you’ll be seeing much better results, Emmie.
    From one fellow Kentucky girl to another….I wish you the BEST!!! :)

  • Allison

    I know that it’s tough being a weight loss blogger, and you may hate it now and again.

    But think about all the people you are inspiring.

    Like, you know, me.
    :)

  • http://twitter.com/LisaEirene Lisa Eirene

    Some days are just a struggle. It’s okay. I can tell you that after losing all the weight I sometimes still have days I struggle. It’s just part of the journey. Don’t let it get you too down.

  • http://twitter.com/LisaEirene Lisa Eirene

    Some days are just a struggle. It’s okay. I can tell you that after losing all the weight I sometimes still have days I struggle. It’s just part of the journey. Don’t let it get you too down.

  • http://twitter.com/LisaEirene Lisa Eirene

    Some days are just a struggle. It’s okay. I can tell you that after losing all the weight I sometimes still have days I struggle. It’s just part of the journey. Don’t let it get you too down.

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