Weight Perception v. Reality

June 18, 2010

I’m writing this sitting in the auto shop just getting routine maintenance done on my car. As I’m sitting here in my little desk cubby they have with free wi-fi, my legs are squished together like crazy. The arms of this chair are dug deep into the side of my thighs. They are the kind that quite possibly will leave a bruise, one on each thigh. Oh the joys of being super obese.

via D Sharon Pruitt on Flickr

The other day, I posted a video of me on a recumbent bike. When I went to edit the video and put it on YouTube, I was really taken aback. I’ve always been kind of photogenic, and the picture taken of me in the blue dress the other day made me feel really good about myself. Unfortunately, the (video)camera doesn’t lie. I watched that video, in shock, as my stomach bobbed up and down with every movement of my legs. I had also filmed myself doing my warm up routine, where I went on to see my stomach pop out of my shirt as I was on the floor doing those exercises. Everyone at the gym has probably seen my curdly-fat-stomach.

This is going to sound really strange, but I have always felt that I LOOKED smaller than I really am. It’s not necessarily body dysmorphic disorder, just a really, really bad perception of my size. I also am able to talk myself into thinking that I look nice or well put together, and then see pictures of me after-the-fact that make me severely question my sanity. How can my own perception be THAT FAR OFF?

I know there are smaller people who always think they’re bigger than they are. I’m the complete opposite. I wonder, is this a coping mechanism? I mean, am I this way because I’ve spent years obese, conditioning my mind to cope with the stares and with the super-low-self-esteem? Do I make myself feel better about my appearance and my size so that I can just make it through each day without feeling completely defeated and ashamed of myself?

Perhaps part of it is that I don’t FEEL like some massive, sedentary beast. I feel like a girl who can move more than she used to,  go to the gym without complete shame and work out regularly. I feel kind of pretty. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like a young, thin sprite who can prance around and do whatever I feel like. But I feel like someone who isn’t sedentary. But when I look at myself on that video, I see someone who people would probably think sit on the sofa all day and all night, chugging 2 liter sodas and crunching on super size bags of Doritos.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Either way- feeling smaller than you are or feeling bigger than you are?

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Tagged as: body image, weight loss

  • Noel Depp

    In my minds eye I am smaller than I really am. I think it is a coping mechanism.

  • http://diaryofcurvyjones.com Curvy Jones

    Totally totally totally totally. There is an image of me in my head– actually there's 2: The ugly thing I think everyone sees, and the pretty, thin, vivacous thing I want to be. I'm really REALLY shocked when I see myself in a reflective surface and the girl staring back at me is not the image from my head– the pretty one. We condition ourselves to see 'us' a certain way. I know for SURE I thought I looked better than I did, and when I truly saw myself it was like a splash of cold water. Over and over and over again.

  • Whitney Fay

    I always feel smaller than I really am but it's never evident until I see the pictures and it's like, “What the?! Why did I think it was ok to wear that?!” So, nope, you're not alone in that at ALL. I'd say almost everyone is one way or another – feel bigger or smaller than they actually are.

    But you really are making progress! Keep up the good work! :)

  • Bitsyboo73

    I totally understand this! I had a this feeling this past week. I saw some pics taken at a family get together last weekend and the whole day I felt pretty cute. Not hot (though there have been days I felt like Rita Hayworth) but cute. When I saw the pics I was surprised how round I still was. I didn't think I was small & at 5'10 I'll never be dainty (don't wanna be) but I just couldn't get over the way I looked. I was so bummed! All I wanted to do was crawl into a big bag of the spiciest chips I could find and orget about it.

  • http://twitter.com/CathyCox2010 Cathy Cox

    Em I've been on both sides of this now – both ways. I had no idea how big I was until I had a moment like you describe where I REALLY saw me. I actually sat there like “is THIS what people see when they look at me?! Are you KIDDING me?!” That was actually one (of a few that all came around the same time) “a-ha moments” that set me on the path to weight loss for good.

    These days, I see the opposite. I see myself and *perceive* myself as much larger than I am. I see an open seat between two people for instance, and believe that my butt will not fit in the space. I pull my size off the rack, look at it, and believe it will not fit. It magically does. I only see “me” when I can step out of myself – for instance if I see myself in a far off mirror, as though I'm looking at another person across the room.

    I don't know what it is, why it is … a protection of some sorts I would imagine. I'm not sure what it is protecting, and honestly, I feel like it does us mentally/emotionally more harm than good.

    I think recognizing that that difference is there is an important step, whether you're seeing you as smaller or bigger than you really are. You know like GI Joe says – knowing is half the battle. That way, you can do the work you need to to bring the perception and the reality a little closer together.

    However you see you, big or small, you are quite beautiful :)

    And we all know you're definitely NOT sitting on the sofa eating doritos and chugging a 2 liter :)

  • Meg

    I'm always surprised when I see pictures of myself, because I always seem to look bigger in them than I feel. And then family/friends will chime in and say, “Oh, you don't look that big in person.” I never understand it.

    I second Cathy's comment in saying that whether you see yourself big or small, you are beautiful! :)

  • KCLAnderson (Karen)

    I have most definitely felt this way…mostly thinking I am smaller than I am (or at least that's how it feels). And then getting an unexpected look at myself in a photo or reflected in a window or something and think YIKES! You are not alone!

  • Jvl315

    Yes! Always.

    It can't just be us, Em. Look around. It's summer. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone who's wearing something 6 sizes too small and not at all flattering.

  • anonymousfatgirl

    Okay, you are NOT alone!!!! I felt and feel the same way as you do, even at my largest size. I've always thought I had a form of anorexia backwards though.

  • http://www.fatgirlsguidetoliving.com Tee

    Yes! You've just described how I've felt most of my adult (overweight) life. I've tried to describe it to friends before, some get it and some don't. Pictures always brought me back to reality and that's why I've hated them for so long.

    On the up side, the fact that you don't feel that heavy and do a lot of moving around/activity probably bodes very well for you and how the workout/weight loss stuff will go. I felt that way, too, and getting in shape ended up coming much more easily for me (I started out at 250) than I thought. Others in our group, and whom I've gotten to know online who DO feel that lack of energy, that they don't move much, etc, seem to have had a harder time.

    I think that energy level/pep has a lot to do with why we don't feel as large as we are, and also may hint at an interesting muscle tone/metabolic structure underneath that's not there for everyone.

  • Sarah7500

    Yes! Yes! Oh my goodness yes! I call it antianorexia. I think I look terrific and fantastic and see pictures of myself and wonder what the hell happened. Does anyone remember that one episode of Friends where there are pictures of Monica when she's fat, and she makes the excuse “The camera adds ten pounds!” and Chandler replies “how many cameras are on you?”
    Yeah, that's how I feel. A lot.
    Also, when I dream about myself, I'm always thin. Well, not super thin, like size 12 thin. My boobs are also not saggy when I dream. And my hair always looks great, too. lol

  • Sandy

    Oh yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. I do the same thing and that's one of the hardest things for me to deal with. It seems especially disheartening when I've been working out and really trying to watch what I eat and think I'm looking a little better and then actually see a picture of myself. It totally ruins my mojo.

  • http://results-not-typical-girl.com Results Not Typical Girl

    (((Raising Hand))) I have always said that I suffer from reverse anorexia. That said, I would tell any woman I know, DO NOT MAKE AND/OR WATCH A VIDEO OF YOU EXERCISING. A little delusion can go a long way. :)

  • http://itschaotic.wordpress.com/ Amy

    I TOTALLY feel like this– seeing myself as thinner than what I am. In the mirror, I see what I think is my normal self, than sometimes my brother is messing around with my camera and snaps a pic of me and I look at it and WHOA. It's like I'm looking at a completely diferent person sometimes. So… I'm working on getting the image in my head to be the image everyone else sees.

  • http://www.biggirlbombshell.com Big Girl Bombshell

    Great post! It is SO many factors that contribute to our image or perception of ourselves. I believe that most of it is, how we are feeling that particular day. If you are feeling good about your life, then what you see in the mirror looks good to you. and visa versa. Either way, I think, it is the thoughts you are thinking when you see that image of yourself. I also believe that it is because it is what we are use to. When we turn on the switch and our brains go to how others act toward us, what u know they are thinking when you look at them, or people just being brutally direct then we see ourselves MUCH bigger than we are. It is all part of the process of getting know who we are…I think.

  • zenlizzie

    I have always done this too. In my mind, I stay the same size regardless of when I'm wearing larger or smaller sizes. In someways, it has worked for me because even when I was bigger and single, I still felt like I was looking pretty hottt when I went out, and I think guys were attracted to confidence. So, in some ways there is a benefit to having a warped body image. I don't think that even if you are bigger than you feel like you look, that it means you don't look good or put together. PLUS Pictures and video DO LIE sometimes. The way people see you and the way you photograph or are video taped isn't the same. I know this because I take LOTS of pictures of friends and family and sometimes they just don't look like themselves. So even though those can be good guidelines, a picture or a video shouldn't make or break your self confidence.

  • debbidoesdinnerhealthy

    This post rocks, as so many of yours do. I totally don't feel as gross as I look. I can't believe it when I look in the mirror.

    This is what I think is odd for me. I used to weigh almost 100 lbs. more than I do now. I couldn't stand to look in the mirror, I never had photos of myself and I just couldn't believe it when I did see myself. Then, I started to lose weight. I KEPT looking in the mirror and I was LOVING what I was seeing. THEN – I maintained for well over a year, I am STILL 100 lbs. overweight and now I can't stand looking in the mirror again. So THIS has become normal for me now and I don't WANT to be this way. I used to think that I would LOVE to be 230 lbs. HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE!!! WOO-HOO. Well, now that I am that, it's NOT where I want to be at all.

    I so love reading your blog. Your confidence and honesty is so awesome!! Thanks!

  • Jenn

    This is going to be totally unhelpful but I'll say it anyway. I clicked to watch the video and what I noticed most was that you are pretty and you have a really attractive smile.

  • Sammy K.

    *jumps up and down with hand raised* OH MY GOD! I do the exact same thing. No joke. I have noticed the same things that you have recently and I'm amazed at myself. I always feel like I look really nice and put together and then I see a picture and I want to scream because I can't believe how awful I look. It's amazing to me and now I try to avoid having anything other than my face in a picture. It's sad, but true. =(

  • BJ

    There are days I truly do not feel as fat or overweight than I am … I think it is because some days I am soooo bloated….or maybe on those days I am just kidding myself. I am 40# overweight…. most days I feel that. Most days I look that…. “some” days….neither applies… All we can do is try try try from day to day right? I hate being fat… I hate having to diet….but hopefully someday soon…these 40 # will just “fall off”….lol.

  • http://www.tudor-rosy.blogspot.com Tudor Rose

    I do the same thing. My perception is off by probably 40 or 50 lbs, so I'm not always a fan of pictures of me because they show me as how I REALLY look, instead of how I look in my head, or in the mirror. It's frustrating, because when I look in the mirror I love how I look, am fine with my weight and curves. But those damn pictures. Blah.

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  • http://www.mayorofthebux.com Danielle

    so i'm late to the party on this post, but I'm SO there it's amazing. I think we are around the same size and I never thought of myself as the size I really am. It's been tough to get real about it esp while being in the dating world. I hid so long from cameras and such that it was easy to avoid the issue. Now I take lots of pictures so I can chronical how I'm doing. It's tough, but I want to be aware of where I am.

  • Heather

    Why does everyone assume that photos are the same as REALITY? A photo captures one frozen instant – but in reality, we are in motion (unless asleep!). The appearance of a still image depends on the angle, depth, lighting, background, etc. An object looks different photographed from a high or low angle, up-close or medium depth. An image of part of your body looks different from a full-length shot. Foreshortening and other perspective factors make a difference.

    I'm not denying that a photo image can be different from a mental image, or that the difference can be a shock. Just challenging the idea that the photo image is “objective reality”. A photo image is just a view from one unique perspective, at one unique instant in time.

  • Trinity

    I always feel smaller than I look. I am forever shocked when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or a window while walking around – is that me? I don't look like that! That's a fat person!!

    I don't know why we do it. I think perhaps we feel like we look good; and that is not necessarily a bad thing? I've only recently gotten into a size 14/16 and I feel like the perception is closer to the reality at this point, but I still am shocked at times when I see pictures of myself.

  • Brigitte

    Photos have a bog difference in real life especially when it comes to your appearance for your appearance might be different in the photo's because of the angle,if you really want to lose weight you can try drinking best weight loss supplement together with a regular exercise.

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  • http://twitter.com/caitstuff Cait Stuff

    Could part of the problem be how you look at other fat people?

    “You” being in the cultural context (you/us/we/society/advertising/etc), of course, and not specifically you, emmie. I mean, you're LIVING PROOF that “people who look like you” are active and attractive. :) And I don't think it makes sense to dismiss that because of the stereotypes we carry of what it “means” about a person's character/habits when they're fat.

    The whole idea of “someone who people would probably think sit on the sofa all day and all night, chugging 2 liter sodas and crunching on super size bags of Doritos” isn't a “what you look like” reflection, in terms of how your stomach moves, or how graceful you are at floor exercises… it's a character description. And that we've put that character description onto people of your size is frankly Just Wrong and Inaccurate.

    At that point, it's not even about feeling “smaller than you actually are” it's about “feeling like those stereotypes don't apply to you”.

    Which is absolutely true.

    They don't.

  • http://colormeuntypical.blogspot.com UntypicallyJia

    I just found your blog through the Fat Girls Guide and I'm loving it so far. Love love love it! I am the same as you. I look in the mirror sometimes and I'm like, “Wow I look great today!” And then someone will take my picture, or I'll sit down in front of a mirror and my mind suddenly sees things that they didn't a few minutes earlier. I know a lot of it is in my head, but it's still hard to see sometimes.

  • FatCat

    You don't look as big to me as I would have thought someone at your weight would be. I don't know if that sounds good or bad, but I actually think you look quite beautiful. I'm 285, and I actually thought we were the same weight until I heard you say differently. I'm 5'4, so that may make some difference–you look taller to me.

    Anyway, as someone who feels so fat, and so UGLY all the time, I'm really inspired by just how damn pretty you are. Seriously, it forces me to challenge my assumptions about myself. Though I am not photogenic as you clearly are. Maybe I'm not as ugly as I think I am?

  • http://www.getskinnywithit.com Devi

    Hi! I just recently found your blog and I love it so much that I went back to the beginning and started reading…I’m not a stalker, I promise! :) With regards to this post, I absolutely understand what you mean! I often think I look smaller than I actually am…and then reality hits when I see a picture of myself. I just keeping telling myself that reality will eventually match up to what I see in the mirror if I keep working hard!

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