I just want to FIT

by Skinny Emmie on January 31, 2010

So my last post generated some interesting replies, both on and off the blog. I really tried to think hard about why I wanted to lose weight. Motivation comes and goes, and as it does, I wanted to really think about the true reason that I want to lose weight.

We’ve all accepted that “to be healthy” is the PC answer. I’ve heard it my whole life: “think how HEALTHY you would be if you lost weight?” I get it. Yes, improved health will come with less weight on my body. My feet won’t swell and ache after being on my feet all day. I can go farther distances without being winded. My heart rate will be lower (although it’s not in any high range right now). Things people worry about with heavy people: high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes… I’m fortunate that I don’t have any of these issues right now. I know as I get older, these things could show up one day and smack me in the face. I get it.

But that’s not my #1 reason for wanting to lose weight right now.

I just want to FIT.

Seriously, I feel like every action I take outside of the safety net of my house, is measured in my head whether or not I’ll FIT.

It could be literal:

  • Will my friend’s car have a seatbelt that will fit?
  • If I go to a restaurant, will the booth be too small?
  • If I go out with friends to a bar, will we have to sit on bar stools (I swear I need 1 for each ass cheek, and my legs go numb)
  • If someone gives me tickets to a Kentucky basketball game, where are they at? If they’re good seats, I know I won’t fit in the chairs
  • If I want to go to a musical, what theater is it playing at? Most likely, I won’t fit
  • Amusement parks? Forget it- I won’t fit to ride anything.
  • Vacation? Is flying part of it? Anxiety for the airplane seats.

Or it could be environmental:

  • Am I going to be the biggest in the room (probably)
  • Will I be able to blend in without being seen as huge (probably not)
  • How many people do I know there? (my “safe” people to talk to)
  • Basically, will I FIT with the people around me?

I’m so tired of not fitting. I don’t ever remember feeling like I “fit” anywhere I wanted to. Why do I have to have this nagging question in my mind every single time I do something outside of my house? I can’t even explain how frustrating it is.  For whatever accomplishments I’ve got or confidence that I can fake, I can never just let this guard down and be myself. As long as the “will I fit” question is in my head, I won’t be free.

And I can’t get rid of that question unless I become skinny.

So for today, that is my reason behind why I want to lose weight. There are 58,358 more reasons I’m sure, but for today, this is my Achilles heel.

Anyone else feel the same way?

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Tagged as: why be skinny

  • Backstory, whether you like it or not (:D) -
    Couple-three years a go, my doc told me I was beginning to show the signs of high cholesterol, a condition which runs in my mom's paternal side, and which killed my grandfather [whom I've never met]. That scared me into action, and I went from 5'4, 260-ish pounds, so 5'4 200-ish pounds. More importantly to me, it took me from a size 24/26 pant, to a pretty dependable size 18 pant. (When I bought a -admittedly snug- pair of jeans from Old Navy in an 18, I almost cried.)

    Enter: Pregnancy.
    Enter: All lost weight... regained.
    Enter: Depression, frustration, self-loathing, negativity, and plenty of refined carbs. LOL

    My son is now two, and since June of last year I've re-lost 25-ish of those pounds. (Sorry for all the -ish, I'm not really great with specifics.) One of the things that fills my sensory memories is how that new body, albeit still "imperfect" by the world's standards, felt and acted. "Fitting" was (and is) just as important to me as it is for you.

    Memories:
    The first time I realized that I while visiting a crowded, noisy, kid-laden restaurant, I didn't have to eyeball a path to the bathroom. I just got up, and I was able to maneuver my way between not so conveniently placed chairs with no problem. Before, I had to eyeball whether or not my butt was going to squeeze between two chairs, and if it wasn't, who looked least-likely to be fat-hate on me if I asked them to make room for me. That was an amazing feeling, and while I'm getting back there, I'm not there yet.

    Sitting in a booth-style table at Taco Time (notice how even my skinny memories involved food? LOL) and having a good 6 inches or so between my waist and the tabletop, instead of touching the tabletop with my gut.

    Laying back on my bed to ride a book and not having my double[triple?]chins fall back and strangle me. (Not a pretty picture, but I think most fellow chubsters will "get" this).

    Movie/event seats.

    Clothes at "regular" stores.

    Groups of people.

    I feel you girl, and I can tell you from personal experience that it does feel as good as you think it will. I think in the "fat community," there's an overwhelming trend towards "accepting yourself as you are this moment." And I don't think that there's anything wrong with that, in fact, I'm a firm believer that you cannot make a positive change with a negative brain. However, there is also nothing wrong with wanting that smaller self to be realized, and I think it's more than okay to want these things... things like "fitting."

    Sorry for the blah-blah-blah comment - this entry really called to me!!
  • Well said. I just want to "FIT" too. The word, "Fit", has so many different meanings to me. That word just seems to hit the nail on the head, as to why I want to lose weight.
  • OMG. The airplane. I went to visit my sister back in the summer and I was paranoid about the airplane seats. But I had lost enough in the previous two months that not only was I able to buckle the seatbelt, I had to tighten it. I wanted to cry.

    And I am so with you on the amusement parks. The last time I went to one a few years ago I couldn't ride some of the roller coasters. It was so embarrassing. It would be nice to be able to go to a park knowing I can ride any ride I want.
  • Sarah7500
    Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
    I won't even climb the ladder into my attic because I'm about thirty pounds over the limit. I make my 60-pounds-less-than-me husband go up there. I fear ladders and stepstools. I haven't been on a plane since I was 16 (I'm going to be 35 in May.) If I do, I want to have my skinny 11 year old son with me so I can do spillover seating.
    I won't sit in plastic lawn chairs, or those fold out chairs you bring camping. So far, I still fit in movie theater seating.
    Even when I bought a treadmill, I had to get one that was more expensive because I needed mine to hold at least 300 pounds (I'm hovering around the 270 mark) and most of them only hold about 250.
    Shockingly enough, I'm not all that concerned about being skinny though. I'd really just like to be under 200. Considering I'm only 5 foot 4, that is still not thin. According to the world, that is still obese. But I think I'd be a lot more comfortable with me there.
  • Gryph
    I understand what you're saying (especially about the UK ball game...GO CATS!). I went to Dollywood last summer and was constantly scared that I would get on a ride and be too big. But it didn't happen. I've never not FIT. There were lots of larger people on the rides. Did they worry as much as I did? Or is it just me? I have been reading about the ideas behind HAES, and really thinking about accepting myself as I am and trying to bring that into terms with the fact that i do still want to lose weird. I feel like I don't believe that the body I have is the body that's my best body. If I did, would I still want to lose weight? I don't know. I do know that I was never fat as a kid, but was constantly told "you'd be so pretty if you'd just lose five pounds (or ten pounds, etc). And now I am fat, and I like myself and my body a lot more, even though I may not fit!
  • I've been huge all of my life and like you, I'd love to say that my dream of losing weight is because I want to be "healthy", but it is not. As I read your post above I was nodding my head in agreement, I can apply every single one of them to my life in some form or fashion.

    Do I want to be healthy sure... I'd love to be healthy, but honestly... I just want to fit in and be free of having to worry about every single thing I do in my life. I don't want to have to worry about seats or people or any of the other obstacles that hold me back from experiencing a "normal" life.
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