by Skinny Emmie on March 1, 2010
I know I’ve been writing a little more introspectively lately. Stories definitely not as funny as some Fat Camp Follies, but I really think that they’re important.
I’m not in some weird “dark and moody” place right now, just kind of blah. Could be weather- this endless cold and snow is really wearing on my energy. (Aw hell, talk about an #earworm. The rest of the night I’ll have Milli Vanilli in my head “Blame it on the rain, yeah…yeah…”)
Anyway. I wrote this post over the weekend. Not many comments on it. Maybe it was a snoozefest, who knows. But the strangest thing happened. I got a Facebook message shortly after posting the link to the blog, from someone I haven’t seen or talked to in a few years. I asked her permission to post this before just throwing it out there (I know I’m an oversharer, but I do have some courtesy!)
It is interesting that you write about the people who have all this drive and success. I always found you to be one of those people to look for inspiration. You were always so dedicated, and put so much time into everything you did. You never gave up. At the time we were working together you were on the Atkins diet and I was amazed at how strict you were despite all of the junk food people brought into the office and how much weight you had lost. I was also amazed at how well you handled the situation with your mom and how strong you were despite how hard it must have been. Not to mention you were already a manager in your early 20s, and now have a masters. And you always had a smile through all of this. I have continued to see great accomplishments on Facebook from time to time. If it is this “genetic thing – this Superman-like drive” that you mention, then you are one of those people who have been blessed with the gene. You may not be an Olympic gold medalist, but you definitely have a gold medal in life.
Gah. She made me cry.
So, I thought about it some more, and replied. Wanted to share that as well to hopefully explain myself a little better.
Thanks for sharing those really kind words, I really appreciate it.
I think everything is a matter of perspective. It’s much easier to be critical of yourself when you’re not being objective. In the grand scheme of things, I know I’ve accomplished a lot. But as long as there is this weight struggle it’s like I can’t really “accept” any of these accomplishments- there’s this big thing weighing over my head. I had lost 150 pounds, then when my mom died, gained it back, and have just lost 60 of it again, but still- it’s a daily struggle.
When it comes down to it, I am extremely fortunate. My parents were supportive, I was able to get a good education, good jobs, go back for more education, great husband, beautiful home, cute dog, whatever.
So why does it seem like until I really lose the weight, I can’t “claim” these things? Until I battle this fat monster, I can’t really say I’m a success? Could it be that until I conquer this one thing, all of my other accomplishments can’t be held in correct perspective?
Just pontificating. On with your day 
by Skinny Emmie on March 1, 2010
ACK! Can you believe it’s March already???
The March issue of SKORCH Magazine is now out. Check it out at www.skorchmag.com. Only $1!
This month check out my interview with Kiyonna (my FAVE) Founder and President Kim Camarella-Khanbeigi.
Would love to know your thoughts!
by Skinny Emmie on February 27, 2010
The past 2 weeks, I’ve been watching the Olympics (how can you miss them? That’s all that’s on!).
Every 2 years when the Olympics come on, I watch and always am in awe of the athletes who dedicated their whole lives to work up to a few seconds of perfect performance that results in winning an Olympic medal.
Think about it: how many things did you try growing up that you quit? Many of us were given opportunities to excel just as these Olympians have, but we give up. I know personally I gave up a lot. Or if I didn’t give up, I just didn’t try very hard. I never had that razor-sharp focus that is required to really become excellent in a sport or a hobby. I quit piano, choir, tennis and swimming.
- Piano: I couldn’t understand reading the notes. I couldn’t play fun tunes because I couldn’t learn the simple ones. My dad played by ear and it frustrated me I couldn’t just “get it.”
- Choir: I love singing, but choir was boring. I sang in elementary and middle school, then I think freshman year of high school was in the community youth choir, but that was it. Too bad I didn’t do choir in high school- I could have sang on stage with the Backstreet Boys- LOL.
- Tennis: I took tennis lessons when I was young, and liked playing tennis. But as I got fatter, it was hard. Hard to run, to get to the ball fast enough to set up the shot and hit it perfectly. I practiced in middle school with my dad and friend Angie, and in high school, I was on the tennis team jr. and sr. years. But I was no good. Too big. Couldn’t move well enough, and didn’t care to really put in the extra work it would have taken to get decent. I remember I had to order a special big tennis skirt. I would still like to play tennis one day again.
- Swimming: In elementary school I swam for the neighborhood team, then got accepted into the year round swim league. When we moved to Kentucky, I didn’t join another league. My sister then started to get much faster than I, and it made me mad. I got fatter, and she was this tiny stick thing. I swam in middle school for the neighborhood team, but never went back to year-round. Swam for high school team Freshman, Sophomore and Junior years, but was never very good. Too big. Although I do proud myself that my specialty stroke was the butterfly.
So as I sit and watch the Olympics, and hear the stories of the Olympians and their sacrifices they’ve made all their life, I wonder if it’s a genetic thing- this Superman-like drive and intensity that fuels their excellence.
Click to watch dry land training video of Apolo Ohno
Maybe it’s part of the parents sacrifice to support and push for their kids to do their absolute best. I can’t say I didn’t have this though, because my parents were both very supportive with everything my sister and I did. Still, this story was particularly touching. Can you imagine a better gift for a parent’s sacrifice than reaching the pinnacle of your sport… multiple times? Unreal.
Video of Apolo Ohno and his Dad
Or is it simply just a personality trait? This burning desire to be the best, no matter what sacrifices need to be made. One day I’d like to do a triathalon: something that takes regimented training, drive, and persistence to accomplish. That’s as close as I’ll get to my Olympic moment. For the meantime, however, I must simply figure out how to take the baby steps to get closer to that point.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Leave comments below!
by Skinny Emmie on February 25, 2010
via Caro's Lines' on Flickr
Do you ever feel like you’re starting to slip? Not literally (although on all this freakin’ snow we’ve had lately I’ve come close to that a couple times), but just your mind? It’s like your focus is softening. Things once razor sharp and clear are now becoming cloudy and dim.
Perhaps it feels amplified because I’ve been under-the-weather this week, but I’m starting to see that I started losing my mojo the past couple of weeks.
- The house is becoming messy.
- My desk at work is getting piles of paper on it.
- My email inboxes need to be cleaned out thoroughly.
- My car is messy.
- My eating hasn’t been very strict (although this week I’m on a Starbucks oatmeal, Wendy’s chili and LC ice cream diet after having a dental procedure done).
- Ideas aren’t flowing in my mind as they normally do.
- Everything is in slower motion.
I’m a firm believer in “cluttered house, cluttered mind” (or cluttered car/desk/inbox/etc)
So, what do you do when this starts happening? I’m hoping by writing about it, I’ll become more aware of it and take action. Like now, I’m going to put up my laundry and take the trash out.
Little steps people, little steps!
by Skinny Emmie on February 21, 2010
I’ve been under the weather this weekend, nasty gunk in my chest that keeps me hacking throughout the night. Nice, right?
Wanted something spicy for dinner, so I made spicy pork stir fry.
- thin slices of pork tenderloin
- white onion, sliced thin
- bell pepper, sliced thin
- black bean sauce
- chili garlic sauce
- cabbage
I picked up some black bean sauce and chili garlic sauce from the asian food store a while back, and it gave the kick to this dinner that I needed. Too bad I had chopped everything up without realizing I didn’t have any cabbage. Oh well, I ate it anyway and it was great. Throw it all in a super hot pan with canola oil and cook until done. Easy peasy, spicy stirfry!
Since I didn’t have cabbage, I realized how good this pork would be on top of an asian-inspired salad: greens, green onion slices, peanuts, carrots, cabbage tossed with this spicy pork, sesame seeds, fresh shredded ginger and some olive oil. Yum
by Skinny Emmie on February 17, 2010
Or should I say, I’m beating myself up over a King?
A King Cake that is.
From Flickr via The Gifted Photographer
I went to a friends house for a lovely, healthy Fat Tuesday dinner. She made a salad with cajun chicken and home made bleu cheese dressing. Great and lowcarb!
Except I brought a King Cake to the dinner. Even though she is watching her calories and I don’t eat carbs. I told myself “we’ll just see who gets the baby, no one has to eat it.”
Stupid Emmie.
I ate it. A big chunk of it. And when I was driving home with the remnants, intended for hubs? I ate some more.
I walked into my house, with the ziploc bag of half-eaten king cake and green/purple/yellow layer of sticky fingers from the sprinkles. I felt like I had eaten a brick, and my head started to hurt.
It didn’t taste good. I wasn’t hungry. But it was there, and I ate it anyway.
When will I ever learn?!?!
by Skinny Emmie on February 14, 2010
Quite a bit of commotion this weekend on Twitter and in the rest of the social media stratosphere (I’m a marketer, remember? Totally a fan of social media) having to do with director Kevin Smith getting asked to get off a Southwest Airlines plane because of his size (maybe).
I typically stay out of any sort of “fat acceptance” types of discussions because it gets controversial and I’m not usually one for controversy when it comes to talking about weight. It’s so heated and I just stay out of it. But this is a topic that is on my mind a lot, and when I saw all the tweets about Kevin Smith’s experience, it ignited something in me. (I’ve written about my airplane issues in a couple of posts, here and here.)
Southwest Airlines has the most well-known (and complained about in the fatosphere) “Customer of Size” policy. Because of this, I avoid Southwest like the plague, whether for business or pleasure. There was 1 time in 2007 I had to fly Southwest for work and had zero incident, however I was on pins and needles as I was traveling with my boss. While the arm rests went down, I did have to get a seatbelt extender and feared I would be thrown off the plane with my boss watching on. Talk about mortifying.
In the past few years I’ve had to travel quite a bit for work. I love traveling and exploring, whether for work or pleasure, but being at my current level-of-fatness, it is a huge concern when I fly. Will I fit? Will I need an extender? Will there be a seat next to me that’s empty? I check the airlines websites constantly, reassigning my seats anytime I see someone has been assigned next to me. It’s truly maddening. I can relate my weight with when I’ll need an extender or not. I know at X pounds, I’ll need one. Under that, I don’t. Blech.
Anyway, to summarize the Kevin Smith saga- he usually buys 2 seats for his comfort, not because of his size. He had gotten on a flight as a standby passenger, and had his bag put up and was about to put his seatbelt on. He was pulled off of the full flight, even though the arm rests could go down, the passengers on each side of him didn’t have any objections, and his seatbelt fit without an extender (more than I can say for myself). They said it was a “safety concern” but he’s calling bullshit. The whole story is kind of crazy, and you can listen to it on his Smodcast (podcast) if you want all the details.
Something that kind of irked me at the beginning of Kevin Smith’s podcast is that he goes on a couple times about “I’m FAT but I’m notTHAT fat!” I totally get it. I AM unfortunately that fat, despite my weight loss so far. I would really love to hear his opinion if people that are that fat should still be treated that way, because honestly, they still are. I feel fortunate that it hasn’t happened to me yet, but before every flight the level of anxiety is ridiculous. Seriously ridiculous. Xanax-worthy-ridiculous.
This is so true though (from his Smodcast):
“I would never choose that seat if there was a fraction of a chance that I could not fit into it. That’s how I live my life, I’m a fat person! We navigate the world differently. We have to navigate the world 10 steps ahead for our own dignity. “
I kept listening to the Smodcast though, and the most interesting part for me is around 55 minutes and beyond, where the story goes beyond just Kevin Smith’s experience and talks about another girls experience plus how hard it is to be fat if you don’t have resources like he has. And it’s true. He can afford to accommodate his size and his surroundings so it’s not an inconvenience. Others though, like myself, can’t just pick up 2 airplane tickets everytime they want to fly somewhere.
Southwest, being a socially savvy company (listened to great social media cast study of Southwest from former SWA employee Paula Berg when I went to Social Fresh Nashville- another interesting fat experience), responded to Kevin Smith’s tweets and then responded with this blog post:
Southwest's response. I added the yellow highlight.
The response, IMO, is kind of ridiculous, considering that Kevin Smith fit with armrests down and seatbelt without extender, with no objecting passengers beside him.
I don’t want to really rant on this much longer. This goes back to my whole recent focus on motivation. While this may be another reason to become Skinny Emmie, will I ultimately be successful for trying to lose weight so I can fit on some damn company’s airplane? Or do I need to find the reasons deep inside that will be a much stronger intrinsic motivation? The answer is the latter, but I’m still struggling to identify those points.
It’s late and I’m rambling. Would love to hear anyone’s thoughts or experiences.
by Skinny Emmie on February 10, 2010
I know I’ve been pretty quiet around here.
I haven’t even been updating my eats.
Time for confessions.
I’m not perfect. Far from it.
by Eli Brown on Flickr
Now, don’t get me wrong- I haven’t holed myself up in my house eating Little Debbie treats and drinking Frosties (although I may have had a dream about that). I’ve just not been very motivated. Doesn’t everyone get in “blah” moods every so often? Yeah, me too.
Things that have made me “off my game:”
- Sugar free stuff. Things that are sugar free aren’t necessarily low carb. This includes things like Bob Evans no sugar added Country Apple Pie. And Ramseys (Missy’s) no sugar added black cherry pie.
- Beer. Just because Michelob Ultra is low carb in relation to other beers, drinking several at one time and more than once a week ends up in lots of carbs
- Dehydration. Well, not dehydration, but lack of water. Went from 1 gallon a day to about 1 liter a day. Only good thing that results in is less trips to the ladies room.
- Weather. Snow sucks. I hate it. And it won’t go away.
So, as you can see, nothing really awful going on. Didn’t lose any weight the past couple of weeks, but haven’t gained any either. Just have been happy with the status quo. When you weigh as much as I do, however, the status quo is quite dangerous.
Things to take my blah’s away:
- The new Lady Antebellum CD. Admittedly not the biggest fan of country, this entire CD rocks my socks.
- The new Matt Morris CD. He was “the other guy” singing “Hallelujah” with Justin Timberlake on the Haiti telethon. Kinda kills me though to learn he was in Lexington his week and I totally missed it. Thankful for WUKY for capturing the performances though!
- My job. Seriously? It’s pretty damn awesome. Had a great meeting last week and that got me jazzed to make an impact. Sounds nerdy, but I’m an overachiever. Makes a big difference to feel like you can impact something.
- David (aka hubs). He’s pretty damn awesome too. Knows when I’m in “a mood” and tries to cheer me up. Usually pretty successfully. And he went to the grocery with me twice so I would be better prepared to cook my own foods this week instead of eating out. Great support.
Anyway, enough of my rambling for tonight. I’ll work on getting rid of my blahs.
