by Skinny Emmie on January 31, 2010
So my last post generated some interesting replies, both on and off the blog. I really tried to think hard about why I wanted to lose weight. Motivation comes and goes, and as it does, I wanted to really think about the true reason that I want to lose weight.
We’ve all accepted that “to be healthy” is the PC answer. I’ve heard it my whole life: “think how HEALTHY you would be if you lost weight?” I get it. Yes, improved health will come with less weight on my body. My feet won’t swell and ache after being on my feet all day. I can go farther distances without being winded. My heart rate will be lower (although it’s not in any high range right now). Things people worry about with heavy people: high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes… I’m fortunate that I don’t have any of these issues right now. I know as I get older, these things could show up one day and smack me in the face. I get it.
But that’s not my #1 reason for wanting to lose weight right now.
I just want to FIT.
Seriously, I feel like every action I take outside of the safety net of my house, is measured in my head whether or not I’ll FIT.
It could be literal:
- Will my friend’s car have a seatbelt that will fit?
- If I go to a restaurant, will the booth be too small?
- If I go out with friends to a bar, will we have to sit on bar stools (I swear I need 1 for each ass cheek, and my legs go numb)
- If someone gives me tickets to a Kentucky basketball game, where are they at? If they’re good seats, I know I won’t fit in the chairs
- If I want to go to a musical, what theater is it playing at? Most likely, I won’t fit
- Amusement parks? Forget it- I won’t fit to ride anything.
- Vacation? Is flying part of it? Anxiety for the airplane seats.
Or it could be environmental:
- Am I going to be the biggest in the room (probably)
- Will I be able to blend in without being seen as huge (probably not)
- How many people do I know there? (my “safe” people to talk to)
- Basically, will I FIT with the people around me?
I’m so tired of not fitting. I don’t ever remember feeling like I “fit” anywhere I wanted to. Why do I have to have this nagging question in my mind every single time I do something outside of my house? I can’t even explain how frustrating it is. For whatever accomplishments I’ve got or confidence that I can fake, I can never just let this guard down and be myself. As long as the “will I fit” question is in my head, I won’t be free.
And I can’t get rid of that question unless I become skinny.
So for today, that is my reason behind why I want to lose weight. There are 58,358 more reasons I’m sure, but for today, this is my Achilles heel.
Anyone else feel the same way?
by Skinny Emmie on January 26, 2010
This is an interesting question: Why do you want to lose weight?
The standard fatty answer we’ve been told to say all our lives is that “I want to be more healthy.”
by Arnold Chao of arnisto.com via flickr.com
Ok, that’s fine, if that’s really true. But is that your true motivator? Are you sure? Of course we all want to be healthy, but there is something beyond that, I assure you.
Seeing as I’ve gained and lost (and gained and lost, and gained…) so much weight over a brief 28 year life, I realized a few years ago that unless you can really identify these motivation factors as far as why you want to lose it, that you’ll never be successful. I truly believe this. If you’re like me, you start off super motivated and you can see the picture of motivators SO CLEARLY that nothing can deter you. But then a roadblock. Something that makes you lose sight of those things.
First it gets fuzzy and you think you can make it through the rough spot.
Then the darkness starts to come.
And finally the static. The black and white snow and white noise that erases the picture in your mind.
Can anyone else relate to this, or am I just a freak?
When you try and fail anything, why is it? Lack of effort?
I’m very focused and determined and head-strong (typical type A personality). I am usually pretty disciplined and I usually figure out a way to get what I want. But conquering the weight loss has been my life challenge. Like climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro or crossing the Sahara. If you lose focus of what is waiting for you at the end, then what keeps you moving forward?
I’m just rambling really, but it’s an interesting question, and I just wanted to throw it out there. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
by Skinny Emmie on January 18, 2010
I had an interesting predicament last week.
I was given the great opportunity to attend Social Fresh Nashville, a great social media conference. Seeing as social media marketing is both a professional and personal hobby for me, I was really looking forward to it. Mixing and mingling with others who shared the same interests? Awesome!
Or not.
Don’t get me wrong, the conference was fantastic! It was my own personal struggles faced during it that left me frustrated at myself. While there, I found myself faced with an interesting paradox. One that actually happens a lot with me. It’s a true struggle and I feel like separate aspects of my personality are fighting with each other.
I’ve always been a classic overachiever when it comes to education and my professional life. If you called me a geek or a work-a-holic I would relish in the fact that you perceive me that way. I like to be noticed for my marketing skills and how much I try to keep on top of trends. I’ll admit that I’m a geek, and am pretty proud of it.
So meeting up with social media marketers at a great conference should have really made me excited. Instead, the other part of me reared it’s ugly (and fat) head. I don’t fit. I don’t fit the typical go-getter blogger, marketer, president of my MBA class mold. Physically I’m slow (I walk slow) and tall (5′10) and very large. Instead of going up and striking a conversation with people as my thinner self would love to do, I found myself sitting against the wall in the conference sessions, not asking questions, not trying to network and connect with these people that my geek side really wanted to meet.
On one hand, I want to meet, connect, listen to stories, and be heard. On the other, I’m cringing in my seat, scared I’m standing out too much, spilling over the seat, wondering why no one is sitting next to me (and secretly thanking them for not). My normally happy self is transformed into one who scowls, trying to make people stay away. But inside, Skinny Emmie really wants to interact!
Does anyone else ever run into this problem? I know the solution is to just “be confident and be yourself” but that is probably like telling me to put a party hat on a roadrunner- it ain’t happening… not until I’m Skinny Emmie.
ETA: Found this picture on Twitter via @paulaberg who was speaking on a panel. Blech.
by Skinny Emmie on January 14, 2010
The January issue of SKORCH Magazine is out today and it’s awesome! Tons of great content, including my article entitled “Professional Plus.”
Check it out!
by Skinny Emmie on January 6, 2010
// This isn’t a sponsored post and there aren’t any affiliate links or anything, just raving about something I love. //
Got a shipment yesterday from Kiyonna, which is one of my favorite places to shop. I first started shopping with them when I couldn’t find well-made business casual clothes in a size 32. They go up to a 5x in everything, their quality is great and the fabrics feel great.
This is a terrible picture and my hair is uncharictaristically messy, but I love the Sweet Ruffle Bellini I just got. You can wear it open, or tie it (I have it tied in this picture), and it is super soft. Underneath I’m wearing their essential stretch camisole in white. I also own it in black and nude, and wear them under nearly everything I own. Only complaint is they run a little short in the torso so I order a size up, but I’m tall and have a super long torso anyway, so I’m used to this.
If you ever need a dress, you can’t go wrong with Kiyonna dresses. I have several and they never fail to produce compliments. Other items in my daily rotation that are Kiyonna include the Bellini Ballet Wrap, Kenzie Cowl Neck Sweater (I have it in plum and rust), Tory Cinch Dress and the Sidney Ruched Top.
This should serve as a case study in why plus size designers should serve the extended plus market and also focus on classic style, fabrics and fit. I’m tired of cheap-polyester-ill-fitting-crap. Also worthy of praise for going beyond normal plus is Igigi. I don’t own as much Igigi as I do Kiyonna, but that’s just because I found them later than I did Kiyonna. Keep up the great work designers!
by Skinny Emmie on January 6, 2010
Photo from David Ortez on Flickr
Way back in the day (10 years ago) I taught step aerobics and kickboxing at fat camp. This was pre-mashups and internet downloads, so now I hear all that I was missing!
The New York Post just put up a free album of the top mashups from 2009! If you need workout music, definitley listen to the sample and if you like it, grab the free download. It’s called “Best of Bootie 2009.” Seriously, how much more convincing do you need?!?
If I can hear workout counts in my head during this music, I’m sure you can too. I’ll have to go into my fat-aerobics-instructor story some other time (I know I still have a lot more Fat Camp Follies to write about), but in the meantime, grab this music and load it up on your iPod!
by Skinny Emmie on January 3, 2010
So, Fat Bridesmaid posed some questions on her blog and I wanted to take the time to answer them.
I ended 2009 as a Bitch... well, not really.
- Was 2009 good for you? Yes, there is nothing I can complain about. Had a rough start to the year being stressed about the little things, but everything calmed down with a job change in April, and again in November. Satisfied with 2009!
- What was your favorite moment of the year? Probably when I hit 40 pounds down and my coworkers surprised me with a card and a “congratulations” balloon that stayed floating for 3 months.
- What was your worst moment of the year? While on family vacation in DC trying to keep up with fam to get a burger from Ray’s Hellburger. I thought I was going to pass out or die from the heat, dehydration and walking up all these hills. Mortifying and a shocker at how bad of shape I was in.
- Where were you when 2009 began? Cozy under the covers sleeping.
- Who were you with? Hubs of course! And pup Lilly.
- Where were you when 2009 ended? On my sofa watching the ball drop with Dick Clark, sitting next to my dad, friend Anne and hubs.
- Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009? I didn’t really make any resolutions for 2009. At the time had the mentality that resolutions were just setting myself up for failure.
- Do you have a new years resolution for 2010? I believe I’ll have some resolutions, but those will have to be posted at a later date after I’ve reflected on things a little longer.
- Did you fall in love in 2009? No, but I continued to grow more in love with hubs!
- Did you make any new friends in 2009? I made some new blogging friends like Krissie and new Twitter friends in Lexington. Yay for social media!
- What was your favorite month of 2009? September
- Why this month? Positive mindset, winding down at old job, had a week off before starting new job in November.
- Did you travel outside of the US in 2009? Nope.
- How many different places did you travel to in 2009? Hm, DC, Raleigh, Charlotte, Atlanta, Nashville, Knoxville, Cincy, Indy, Louisville. So, 9? DC was the only vacation.
- Did you miss anybody in the past year? I missed a couple friends who have gone their own ways, but they’re not lost forever.
- What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009? The Hangover
- What was your favorite song from 2009? “Don’t Stop Believing” from the Glee cast and Fireflies by Owl City
- How many concerts or plays did you see in 2009? Just 1, the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.
- Did you have a favorite concert in 2009? Unfortunately, no.
- What was your favorite book in 2009? A Thousand Splendid Suns
- Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? No.
- What was the biggest lie you told in 2009? I say “I’m fine” a lot when I can’t articulate my feelings or just want to shut down in my own little world. This happened a little more than I would have liked it to in 2009.
- Did you treat somebody badly in 2009? I don’t think so, but feel free to correct me if I have!
- Did somebody treat you badly in 2009? Not necessarily “badly” but with lack of kindness and consideration? Yes. They are oblivious to it though.
- What was your proudest moment of 2009? Hitting 50 pounds down.
- What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009? My almost passing out in DC. See #3
- If you could go back to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be? Starting this blog (and my journey) earlier in the year.
- Where did you work in 2009? 3 places! 1 job in Cynthiana KY, the rest in Lexington. All in marketing.
- Favorite TV shows(s) of 2009? Glee
- Favorite Band(s) of 2009? OneRepublic, the Glee cast
- Favorite Food in 2009? Low carb meatballs in vodka cream sauce
- Favorite Drink in 2009? Venti black eye with heavy cream from Starbucks.
- Favorite Place in 2009? my house. I’m a homebody.
- Favorite person(s) to be with in 2009? Hubs. He works so much.
- Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2009? Hubs. And Lizzie.
- Favorite trip in 2009? It was for work, but I enjoyed going to Atlanta as I got to see a couple friends and have dinner with my mom’s old friend.
- Favorite stores in 2009? Zappos, Old Navy, Kiyonna
- Hardest thing you had to go through in 2009? 2 job changes. Even though both by my choice, it’s still very hard to leave somewhere and start new. I’m a little too loyal for that to be comfortable.
- Most exciting moment(s) in 2009? Starting this blog at the end of June and anticipating if people would relate to it.
- Funniest moment(s) in 2009? It’s been a pretty calm year. But the funniest moment that stands out to me happened on NYE when Anne’s boy (age 3) asked a very funny question to someone. So funny how kids ask questions adults are too reserved to ask.
by Skinny Emmie on January 3, 2010
Ok, so not really. But I had that Letters to Cleo song form Clueless in my head (RIP Brittany Murphy) after seeing these pictures.
V Magazine has its Size issue coming out on 1.14.10 and I’m totally running out to my local bookstore to buy a copy (or 2) so I can oogle these beautiful images of high fashion models who aren’t a size 0. And I’m going to put the pictures on my Vision Board as they embody my wishes to become Skinny Emmie: Confident, comfortable and beautiful in my own skin.
Seriously???
Seriously.
Need I say more? Check out more photos here and be sure to support V and buy a copy on 1.14.
So my last post generated some interesting replies, both on and off the blog. I really tried to think hard about why I wanted to lose weight. Motivation comes and goes, and as it does, I wanted to really think about the true reason that I want to lose weight.
