* I wrote this on my phone last night when I couldn’t get to sleep. Also, feet/leg picture in the post. If you’re weirded out by feet, don’t look! I’m so ready to go home tomorrow *
When I’m in the gym, there are times where I feel like I’m just like everyone else. I can move. My body is healthy. My heart responds properly to any stimulus I give it. It feels good.
Then, there are days like today. Those where, after spending most of my day on my feet and drinking very little water, I feel the severity to which my body still has to handle my weight.
My feet and legs have an indescribable ache. My feet throb. My legs are so swollen that I can’t see my ankles. I feel like someone pumped 10 pounds of saline in my legs, which just sits there, expanding underneath my skins surface. It’s times like these that I realize how hard carrying this weight is on my body.
Can my heart handle it right now? Thankfully, yes. But what about the rest of me? Apparently not. The weight is just too much for my legs and lymph system to handle when pushed outside of its regular routine. Even sitting at my desk job when I’m not traveling is tough because of the inactivity. I look forward to going home and propping my feet up for some relief.
Yes, I’ve had tests. Many tests. No, nothing is wrong with me other than my weight-induced pitting edema. I’m on a water pill. Yes I took it today. But still, this body was pushed, and now my years of body neglect are making themselves felt as I head to sleep with prayers for relief when I awake.
What keeps you going on your fitness and weight loss journey? What is the source of momentum?
Right now, I’m struggling with my momentum. I’m dangerously close to a breaking point. This has happened before. Life takes over- life without prioritizing my health- and things fall by the wayside. I’m vocalizing this because this time is different. I am completely aware of my mindset and my circumstances surrounding me. It’s like a car approaching a speed bump- only this time, I SEE the speed bump. Before, I would have continued at 100% and hit that damn bump without slowing down, and completely shocking myself in the process, stopping all the momentum I had.
Since my fitness journey started (again) and I began incorporating workouts 5x a week into my daily routine, I’ve been able to make it work. Work, family, friends- none of it was overly demanding of time outside of what I had already dedicated to it. The past couple of weeks (and this week) have been different. I LOVE my work. Really. LOVE it. I am so lucky to not only have a job, but to really, really like what I’m doing. I’ve got a few projects that are demanding much more of my time than usual, so the hours I have in a day to do other things have been cut. Still, I know that a week of either poor eating or not maintaining my workout schedule will put me back several weeks of work. I am not willing to let that happen. Not at all.
Add the pressure of figuring out eating and a fitness routine while traveling. Then add the pressure from the scale, which isn’t moving. It’s enough to make you want to say “TIME OUT!”
When I was working with Trainer Rob on Saturday, I flat out told him that I DID NOT want to be at the gym. As I warmed up, just the prospect of having to do a high intensity workout for an hour nearly sent me to tears. He understood. We did a couple of high intensity circuits, then focused on weights. I left the gym feeling so much better than when I entered. Of course, I went home and promptly fell asleep for 5 hours in my sweaty gym clothes, but that’s beside the point.
One goal this week is to continue momentum from the 5K. Re-watching my crying video to remind myself how GOOD things are when they’re GOOD.
Another goal is to find balance between my work commitments and workout out this week, since I’m away from my familiar environment.
So, I’m here. Still fighting. My punches just might be a little weaker this week.
I know that when I blog, I blog pretty happy things. Victories, “woohoos” whatever. Especially lately- there’s been so much good stuff going on!
via Erin Nealey on Flickr
This week, I’m swamped. I’ve overextended myself and my commitments to work, family, friends, etc. I’ve been working longer hours and sleeping very little. I did make it to the gym on Monday and Tuesday. Today was a rest day. I still have Thursday and Friday, then Saturday with Trainer Rob.
Some sort of breakthrough is happening with my mind though, because right now, instead of working late, I’d rather be at the gym. Yes, I said it. I’d rather be there, working on improving my body and sweating like a cold glass of water on a hot summer day.
Come tomorrow morning though, I’m not going to like getting out of bed at 5:30am. I’m not going to like fumbling to get dressed and strapping on my heart rate monitor on my raw and blistered chest (gross, I know. I need some Body Glide to wear under the chest strap). I’m not going to like getting in the shower after the gym, knowing that I’ve still got a full 12 hours of work ahead of me.
The point is, you don’t always have to like it. I don’t have to like getting up that early when I didn’t get to sleep until midnight. I don’t have to like facing a long day ahead after a workout. The point is, I’m doing it. I made my choice. I’m committed to this fitness journey. I’m going to strap on my Bondi Band I got from Callie @ The Wannabe Athlete (buy from her to help raise money for her Aunt’s cancer treatment) and I’m going to exercise. No matter what.
Tuesday morning, my alarm went off at 5:30 and I laid there a minute. A minute longer and I would have been back asleep for good. I had to say to myself “I’m making a choice… I’m making a choice… I’m making a choice…” And I went. I did it. I didn’t like it at the time, but when I was done, I was damn proud I made the right choice.
If fitness and weight loss were easy, we’d all be bouncing around in our awesome bodies with tons of energy and toned butts. It’s not. It’s hard. The road is long and really damn bumpy.
You don’t always have to like it – You just have to do it.
One of the questions I asked Shay during the 5K was “How do you manage it all? Your job, your family, your other committments?” It was kind of funny, beacuse she flipped it back on me and said “well, how are you doing it?” I explained that I just had to make the choice that fitness was one of my top priorities. Even if that means getting up at 5am for a pre-work workout, or going at 9pm because that’s the only time in the day I could make. And she said “Exactly.”
Exactly.
There is no science on how to make more time. Time is a limited resource. Each second that ticks by is another second that we’ll never, ever get back. Kind of scary (and a little morbid) when you think about it.
How do you choose to use your time?
Last night, as I was laying in the dark while my husband dozed beside me, my mind was racing. I knew the workload I had coming up this week and next week was very, very demanding. A lot of projects coming together at one time. Traveling next week for work. The house needs a good vacuuming/mopping/dusting. Hubs’ schedule isn’t any better. Pup needs to go to the vet and get groomed. I have a goal of blogging once per day. I made plans for two nights this week with friends. I’m two episodes behind on True Blood (crazy!). I NEED TO WORK OUT.
So the next couple of weeks are going to be a lesson in balance. How can I offset my work stress when I’m not there? Fat Emmie would have vegged, watched lots of TV, gotten take-out every night, and then snacked until it was time to go to bed. This Emmie got up and did her workout at 5:30am, went to work and was super-productive (albeit stressed), got home a little late, made cajun salmon and kale with garlic, watched “Losing It with Jillian” from my DVR, threw the clothes in the dryer, fed the pup, and am now blogging. As soon as I hit “publish” on this post, I will promptly get in bed with full intentions of doing the same thing tomorrow.
Balance isn’t easy. If it were, our lives would be much more easy-breezy. We are in control of our own choices. We have the power to say “no.” I might have to reschedule 1 of my nights out with friends. Does it kind of suck? Yes. Would losing my sanity or losing my rhythm of productivity and getting up early suck more? Heck yes.
So right now, make your choice. Tomorrow I choose to be balanced.
What do you need in your life to balance? How do you fit it all in? What are your tips?
Yesterday, I finished my first 5K. Woot! I didn’t finish it alone, either. I had a wonderfully supportive group of friends who were there to push me, and who finished with me. I was really overwhelmed with emotion yesterday (and still am today, but have turned the waterworks off), and made a video to thank them all: Anne (with James and Eliot in tow), Heidi, Kristi, Kelly Anne, Elizabeth, Noel, Amber and Trainer Rob. I don’t care that I’m crying like a baby in that video. How can one adequately express gratitude to a group of people who helped push you to a major goal? There are no words.
On my way to pick up Kelly Anne and Elizabeth, it was storming. I was concerned it wouldn’t let up and the race would be cancelled, but thankfully by the time we reached the race destination, the rain had stopped. I met up with my new friends as we got our race numbers on and t-shirts picked up.
Heidi, Me and Kristi
Me and Noel
Shay from The Biggest Loser Season 8, and a major inspiration of mine, was doing meet-and-greets at the Subway tent. Each of us took pictures with her and she was gracious and sweet. I shared a little about me starting at 455 pounds and losing 64 so far, etc. I asked her questions about doing it at home vs. on The Biggest Loser and she said that she has more appreciation for those who do it at home, because they’re not in a sheltered environment. You have real life issues you have to figure out and cope with, instead of being in seclusion focusing ONLY on your weight.
Shay and Me, pre-race
There were brief welcomes and speeches by Shay and others, however we were too far away from the stage to hear it. Soon enough, the gun sounded and we were off! Trainer Rob was hellbent on me doing the race as a high intensity day. I had a goal in my head of finishing under 1 hour, however honestly, I just wanted to finish! We did a 5 minute warm up, then went into high intensity intervals. 1 minute power walk or jog, then 1 minute walk, 1 minute jog, 1 minute walk, 1 minute jog, 5 minutes walk. So, each set is 10 minutes: 3 minutes high, 2 minutes walk in-between, then 5 minutes recovery. I am NOT a runner, and haven’t really done any workouts outside, so the heat and humidity was a lot to take in. I was on the verge of tears at some points when Rob would tell me to jog or power walk. Sometimes I didn’t do it. He kept pushing me to do it. My friends were pushing me. I honestly feel I did the absolute best I could.
The course was BEAUTIFUL. Trees, flowing streams, bridges, corn fields. It really was spectacular.
Around mile 2, we saw Shay with her group of Subway participants up ahead. She was like “You can do it! Come on!” Trainer Rob asked her some questions, and they chatted about crossfit and other ways of training, etc.
After seeing the time clock at mile 2, Trainer Rob knew I could finish in under an hour, so that was a good feeling/motivation in my head, despite that my body was just feeling slow and gross. My pants were falling down when I would jog, and my shirt was too short, and the camisole I wore underneath it was straight polyester and was sticking to me like crazy. Yuck.
When we had about 1/3 of a mile left, Shay came back to finish it with me! Talk about motivation.
Turns out she and I were sharing the same saggy pants story, so I’m glad I wasn’t alone! Somehow, Noel recorded some of our conversation while she was walking backwards. I’ll throw it in at the end of this post.
We rounded a corner and could see the finish line ahead. It was about 1/10 of a mile. Trainer Rob was like “let’s jog it!” so Shay and I went jogging:
Post-Race
I was so happy I wanted to cry. Shay said “hey- go ahead if you want to! It’s weight loss!” But I didn’t. I was too tired! I thanked her again and she took a group photo with us.
Anne, Heidi, Kristi, Kelly Anne, Amber, Trainer Rob, Elizabeth, Me, Shay, Noel. Eliot and James in the stroller.
Some of us all went out to grab breakfast afterwards. It was a great way to cool off and socialize.
Edited to add: Per Noel’s Garmin our time was 58:27. The official race time from the results today was 59:20. It took us a little bit to get to the starting line after letting the runners get off first. I’m fine with either time though
When I got home, I saw this on Twitter:
She DID tell me so. And all of you guys told me so. And the wonderful friends who were with me told me so. And I’m SO.GLAD.
Not sure when the next race will be, but there WILL be one. Right now, I’m just going to be happy with this accomplishment and check it off on my 101 in 1001 list.
Here’s the advice Shay gave me, as well as a photo slideshow.
Wanted to get this up really quick- thank you’s to those who completed the 5K with me. The video also should be titled “Skinny Emmie cries like a baby” but whatever. I’ll put a total race recap, pictures and video up later!
The Bluegrass State Games 5K Run/Walk is tomorrow! Can you believe it? A nearly 400 pound person doing a 5K. Trainer Rob wants me to do it as high intensity, meaning there will be some sprints in there. I’m hoping to finish in under an hour. That may not seem like much to some, but for me, it’s huge. I am taking these steps to become healthier, and I’m glad I’ll have a group of friends out there with me as well.
From Twitter earlier today:
Not only will Shay be there, but she tweeted me some encouragement too! (I know you guys think I’m probably some crazy fan, but really I’m not. Her being on the show was one of the things that contributed to my “aha moment-” that I need to take charge of my life and claim it as my own.)
I’ll add photos and videos tomorrow night or Sunday. Yay!
